Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott.
[00:00:18] Speaker B: Y' all ready?
[00:00:19] Speaker A: Let's go.
[00:00:24] Speaker B: Hey. Hey. Welcome back.
All right, so just a reminder. This week is our live workshop on how to lose weight after toxic relationships. And this is where we are diving deep into three core areas and core steps of what we need to do and heal in order to create the life and body you truly crave. And so we'll be talking about food and plans and habits and what is it that you actually do where we get tripped up in trying to follow the, quote, right protocol or the right plan. And really this idea of we like to try to lose weight in a vacuum. We like to try to lose weight in this very restrictive set of circumstances, which actually plays into why we end up sabotaging on the weekends in particular.
And so this, today, what we're talking about with sabotage, specifically on weekends is, is really playing into. And that's something we're going to dive into more on week, like on this workshop as well.
So today is a little bit of a precursor just to set the stage for what we'll be dissecting and diving into more in the training. So if you haven't registered yet, make sure you do that. You can find all the details at body you crave.com forward/june-workshop and I'll link up that. That I'll put that link in the description as well so that it's really easy to get on there. But this is going to really bring all of the pieces together because one of them is the habits piece. And there's a reason why we are self sabotaging because of our habits and what we are trying to do from a weight loss perspective during the week. And that is making it harder on the weekends.
Then very much tied and braided into that concept is the emotional eating that comes up. And the emotional eating piece is not just, I am stressed, bored, lonely. It's not just, oh, this is so fun, we're having such a good time. It is really this concept of screw it. And we, like I talk about this often. That is where our brain likes to go, screw it. I've always already ruined the day. I've already ruined the week. And it's this subtle giving up. It's a little quit. It's a mini quit of like, why bother? We feel very Apathetic. There's often shame, regret, frustration, anger, self loathing. But there's also this level of, this weak apathy of I've already ruined it, there's no coming back, I can't, quote, fix this, so why keep going?
And again, it's, if you have an idea or a thought of I have to be perfect or I have to eat on plan every single day, a hundred percent, I can't eat off plan ever, or I can only eat off plan once or twice during the week, and anything more than that, now I'm not going to lose weight. So now who cares? And it makes a lot of sense because when I was trying a weight loss program, this was almost 10 years ago now this is 2016, the program that I was trying to do and would have Coach had given me was way too restrictive. I was trying to go from first gear to fifth gear in one swoop. And it was like I kept stalling out. I couldn't do it for a single day. And that's why just, it was too much, too fast.
And one of the things that really tripped me up was on Wednesday when I hadn't stuck to my plan at all that week, I'm like, why bother? Why would I try? Why would I even try now? Because if I'm not going to lose weight, why am I going to put myself through the torture and the punishment of not getting to eat the foods that I actually like and enjoy? Why? Like, why? Why?
It doesn't make any sense, right? That's where my brain was. And so in order to release that, I had to tell myself, not like, number one, I had to fix my plan and make it realistic. But number two, I also had to tell myself, just because I didn't eat on plan yesterday doesn't mean this week is ruined.
And this is where we have to recognize the emotional side of this screw it concept. Because what can happen is maybe Thursday, Friday, maybe you have a pizza, maybe you have ice cream, maybe it's someone's birthday, maybe you go out to lunch, right? There are different things that come up as we are starting to get out of our bubble, right? Our bubble eating, our bubble diet.
And so we start to do these other things. But now it's all, I planned to eat a salad, and then I had a burger or then I had this pizza. And sometimes it's not, I had one or two pieces of pizza. It's like I was so stressed and so burnt out and so exhausted and so starved from the week that I ate an entire large Pizza. And now I feel like total crap about myself. It's like, not only do you feel full and bloated and uncomfortable in your body, but the emotions that we feel of, oh, my gosh, I've completely ruined everything that I just did this week. I've completely negated all of this work. I am. It's like you are playing a game of Chutes and Ladders and you get really close to the top and you take a slide all the way back to the bottom. And now it's like I have to start over from the very beginning, as if none of this work that I just did counted. And that is what I was one of my big beefs with the whole 75 hard approach.
Maybe it works for some people to help give them the motivation to keep going and to not just have a bunch of little quits, but for recovering perfectionists like me and a lot of my clients who have a lot of diet trauma in addition to relationship and childhood trauma, that is not helpful because it is this. What I've just done, what I've now accomplished. It's like, it doesn't count. It doesn't matter. And we are so used to. To nar people in our lives telling ourselves it doesn't matter now it doesn't. You lost five pounds last month, but you now you've screwed up or now you didn't do it again, so it doesn't really matter. They find ways of negating the good that you have done and the good that you have accomplished. So while this is very much an emotional eating thing, it's definitely tied into relationship trauma that we experience either from parents or from. Often it's an intimate partner, sometimes both or maybe a sibling. It's somebody who's very close to you.
And so when we have other people saying things like it doesn't count or it doesn't count unless you can do it again or it doesn't like, for some reason there's constantly this discounting of your accomplishments. And that often initially comes from someone else. And then we learn that, and then we discount it from ourselves.
So it's, I have. I, like, I've blown it. I've ruined it. I've negated all of the good, all of the hard work that I've put in so far.
So now screw it. Why bother? I'll. If I can't, right? It's like, I can't save the day, I can't save the week. So I'll just start over Monday and we throw away the weekend. We eat Our faces off through the weekend. We just give ourselves a full pass because we are ultimately trying to avoid feeling shame, regret, anger or self loathing frustration that's often directed internally.
So we might be upset with something else or some other external circumstance. But when we are emotionally eating from a screw it or an off plan eat or overeat, that is the internal like self hatred, emotional eating that's happening.
And that's what we have to stop. We have to really not just implement new habits and implement a different style of eating. And there's a process to that in terms of our mindset and allowing foods that we take, like allowing food to not be bad, to not feel like you are bad or doing a bad thing. Because you eat a croissant or a donut or a scone, one of these pastry items is not why you're overweight. It's not why you struggle. You are overweight or struggling with emotional eating because of how you are thinking about that one thing when you tell yourself, now I've done a bad thing, I am a bad person, screw it, I've already blown it. Who cares? Why bother? That becomes the problem.
Carb. Like I can lose weight eating carbs. And I told myself that I couldn't for a long time. The problem wasn't that I was eating carbs. The problem was that I was binge eating and emotional eating almost every single weekday night.
That was the real issue.
And so this is really important that we understand. There is a habits aspect when it comes to weight loss and that's where most of us just want to focus. But there is a mindset and a, an emotional aspect, an emotional layer. And those are the two that I often talk about the most. But there's also this trauma layer and we need to understand why it's there and how to break it. And just because the trauma and these thoughts and this diminishing and minimizing of your accomplishments, just because that came from a narci person in your life prior doesn't mean that they are now still responsible.
Because this has now become your thought, it has now become your pattern of behavior. And that's beautiful because when you are the problem, you get to be the solution. And so while it can feel hard and sometimes frustrating to look at, how did I create this, why did I create this? Especially if it's something that you didn't want to create.
It's hard sometimes to take that level of responsibility.
Because we like it. I don't like sometimes. We just, it's no, but I was doing all the right things. But when I take that level, when I look at, okay, here's how I can own this.
It is no longer my parents thought. It is no longer my ex's thought. It is no longer my sibling's thought. This is mine, which means I get to change it.
And when we can really do that with love and compassion for ourselves and not expecting perfection. Because remember, these thoughts are often deeply ingrained. They are deep patterns of belief, deep patterns and ways of being and ways of doing things.
And we have to create so much safety in our body, in our nervous system and in our brains, not just to lose weight, but to go through the missteps and the mistakes and the not being perfect and to be able to truly lovingly evaluate and work through it.
And so breaking self sabotage is way more than just, I need a different eating plan or I need to even just this concept of, oh, I just need to moderate. I just need to make sure that foods are not good or bad or off limits.
Like, there. There's so much even just within that one piece that we struggle with. Because remember, diet rules often give us certainty. So if I'm letting go of my diet rules for many people, that to them feels like they're letting go of the certainty that they're going to lose weight.
And that feels. It's like that's the level that feels scary.
And so we really need to bring in the awareness and understanding and breaking down this level of emotional eating and then the trauma work and understanding why these habits and patterns are here and truly understanding emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse in our lives and how it is impacting us now.
And I had a call with a woman yesterday, and I didn't know much about her backstory. I just knew there were a couple of key pieces and key things that I could help her with. And sure enough, she has a parent, two parents who are emotionally unavailable and certainly one maybe both with a lot of narcissistic traits.
And again, this is not about pointing the finger and diagnosing. It's about now recognizing this is who I'm working with.
This is the type of person.
This is what, like, this is their pattern of behavior. This is how what happened and this is how it's impacted me. These are the habits that I have now taken on. This is how I am now.
Even if you've left that relationship or you've gone low or no contact, it's like you become. And you now have that nar voice in your head. And so it's learning to see all the ways in which it shows up so that you can address it. And this is how you create long term sustainable success is we've got to be able to get back on track faster. Which means we need to have different conversations.
When we eat off plan, when we overeat, when we're emotionally eating, when we're binging, we have to have a different conversation and we have to hold space and the mental emotional bandwidth and capacity to be able to work through all of these pieces.
And this is typically the missing piece. Right. We see a lot of success stories, people who can lose weight for a short amount of time, but if that tends to be your pattern, we have to go deeper there. Then it's like I talked about decoding cravings last week a little bit. And so one of the pieces there is like understanding what is the craving trying to show you?
What is it there to tell you? Because it's telling you something. So if we look at sabotage on the weekends, it's trying to tell you something.
There's a message in it. Food isn't the problem, it's the self sabotage itself is not the problem. It is like your check engine light and we need to go under the hood and figure out what's going on. The light is not the problem. We don't need to punch the dashboard or try to get the light to go away. It's just an indicator.
And so I want you to think about self sabotage as this is an indicator that there's something deeper going on under the hood. So if you can lose two pounds during the week but then gain it back over the weekend, or Maybe you lose £20 in a couple months but you gain it back again over the next maybe six months, that is just an indicator that something is going on. So while we call it self sabotage and we really, it is self protection we have to look at, okay, why was it not safe to keep the weight off? Where was I going back to emotional eating habits? Where was I feeling entitled that maybe I could eat certain foods and keep the weight off or I could eat certain drink or eat. And I don't think it's even certain foods. It's eat or drink a certain amount and keep the weight off or keep losing weight. Right. So sometimes we get into this level of entitlement and this is where it is. There's so much data and so much that is conflicting around how long it truly takes to create a habit. And I've seen anywhere from 66 days all the way up to more like 120 days. And really it's like for a habit where you are completely rewiring and shifting from left to right, I think it takes probably more like 6 to 12 months. And I don't say that to scare you. I say that because so often there is. There are emotional levels, there's trauma, there's like abandonment wounds, there's shame. There's these deep levels that come when we've been and had narcissistic people in our lives or abusive, emotionally neglectful people in our lives. And don't. You can't hold yourself to the same standard on the same level as somebody who has not experienced that.
And so I think it's easy for us to feel like, oh, they can do it or somebody else can, why can't I?
And really you have been through so much more. You've bet you have just a different set of circumstances to work with and it doesn't make you worse. But if you think that you can just change a habit in a couple of weeks or even a couple of months, you might need longer to really flush out what has been running under the surface for decades, potentially your entire life until recent years. That is a long time.
So we need to have so much grace and so much compassion and know that it gets better and easier. But your level of growth, your level of success is dependent on you being able to look at these shadow sides, to look at where you feel the shame and to not run away, because that is often the problem. You are typically running away from this deeper level of work or you're doing it for a little bit, maybe you're scratching the surface a little bit, but you have to really dig in deeper. And even when you've lost the weight, there might be some emotional or relationship healing that still needs to happen.
And we can't just think our way out of it. We can't just meditate our way out of it or mindset our way out of it. We can't just think new thoughts. Like the thoughts and the mental ninja skills we need is one piece of it. It definitely is a piece of the puzzle.
But there are other deeper layers because of the trauma you've experienced that impact it.
That's why this training Thursday is specifically addressing and bringing in the trauma piece in a larger way.
I hope that you can join me. This is really, it's. There's a lot that goes into breaking self sabotage. This is a common pattern, especially on the weekends. And I've touched on a variety of these different aspects and so if you want to talk through your self sabotaging patterns, especially if it happens like consistently on the weekends, consistently on weekdays, consistently like you can lose 25 pounds, but then you regain it. And that tends to be the common pattern, like whatever that looks like. If you've recognized that there are patterns around these protective mechanisms around the self sabotage, then number one great place to start is with a free consultation. That way I can help you piece together this puzzle and make sense of it and start to decode it.
So you can schedule your free consultation at body you crave.com forward/schedule number two. Join me for this workshop. If this resonates with you and you're like, oh my gosh, that's exactly what I typically do. That's often what happens. Wow. I tell myself some of those things too. If you have seen yourself in anything that I have said today, you get on, get like, you've got to get into this workshop, it's completely free, there's nothing stopping you. But you've got to sign up and then you've actually got to watch it. Right. It's not enough just to sign up, you've got to watch it all the way through. And I'm going to show you where we start and like how we add on piece by piece. Okay. The replay will be available. I'm doing it around lunchtime, so if you can't make it live, there will be a replay play available that evening.
And this is all about understanding the missing links, the missing pieces, why it feels like you're doing all the right things but yet not getting the results that you want. And it's because we have to go a little bit deeper into the emotional, psychological and like trauma responses that we have. And we typically need somebody else to do that with us. That because it is a part of how we do life. It's so commonplace. We don't think anything differently. Like things just we don't. We need somebody on the outside to give us that awareness and to work through it.
So you can't find it in a book?
No, that's okay. All right, so I would love to see you Thursday. And I guarantee this is the missing piece. This is why it feels hard. This is why it feels like you can't be consistent. There are deeper and deeper layers that we have to address in order to truly lose it and keep it off. And I just want to offer here real quick too that when you have that experience of, okay, I know how to lose weight, that is going to help build your identity. And your self concept of I do know how to lose weight. I do know how to lose weight during the week. I do know how to lose weight over a certain amount of time. And now it's okay. This like I've got this. Here's where I want to go from there. Here's what the next step looks like. Now I'm going to work on this next evolution. But really letting go of stories like it's hard or I don't know how or anything like that. We have to really understand some of those big overarching stories. Just like we have to understand the big overarching trauma and how that holds us back.
Okay, for real now I'm going to stop talking.
I hope you have a fabulous day. Here's to creating the life and body you crave.
[00:20:57] Speaker A: If this episode resonated with you, it's time to break free from destructive cycles around food, alcohol and toxic relationships. Your next step Book your free Break the Cycle call where you'll finally see why your binge eating and relationship patterns are so deeply connected and how to break free from both for good.
You'll walk away with fierce clarity and a game plan to step into a life full of fun, adventure and self love. Grab your spot now at www.bodyyoucrave.com VTC.
It's time to break the cycle. I'll show you how.
