Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott. Y' all ready? Let's go.
[00:00:24] Hey. Hey. Welcome back.
[00:00:26] All right, so today we are going to dive into, really explain and flesh out this analogy of what happens when we are emotionally eating and why it can feel so hard to get help, to get support, to do something different. Why it can feel like I'm doing all the right things. Why isn't it working? Or what's stopping me, what's blocking me? Because that is something that I felt as I was starting to navigate this process and also getting to the point where I was like, okay, I'm not creating the results that I want.
[00:00:53] It's been over a year. I need to keep trying some new things. So there went. I went through this phase where I was trying a variety of different programs, coaching courses, like, trying to solve it. And then I spent about a year and a half even where I was like, okay, I have some other ideas of what to do, but I'm actually really not solving the problem. Things maybe were getting a little bit better, but then it was like things came back, and I kept thinking, if I could just change my job or if I could change this circumstance, then I would stop emotionally eating. And even though that circumstance might change the eating patterns and that habits, while sometimes they got better for a couple weeks, it didn't last. And so there came a point where I was like, okay, I have got to figure this out. And so before we dive into that, I want to share that I am hosting a new workshop on Thursday, June 12, and I would love for you to join me. And we are going to dive into why it is so hard to lose weight after toxic relationships. Because it is not just about the diet and failure and success and the diet trauma. It is the emotional eating. It is the relationship trauma, and it's how our brains get rewired and how your brain is now trying to find safety and security and how it will prioritize that over your success goals in any area of life. So it doesn't matter what part of life you are working on. This will come up. And maybe you are seeing this in multiple areas. Maybe you feel it with your career or your business or your parenting, in addition to your food and weight loss and those aspects. So this is really designed for people who are likely divorced, but you have at least left that toxic relationship. You have either gone no contact or low contact with a parent, an ex spouse or an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, You've left the toxic working environment. When you are in a place that is toxic and dysfunctional, you cannot heal. I don't believe you can heal in the environment that made you sick.
[00:02:49] Just a thought here. So this is for somebody who is on the who is out, but you find that you still have, maybe your ex's voice is still in your brain, their thoughts, their views, their beliefs about food, about your body, about weight, about what you should or shouldn't be doing, what's required. It's still in your brain and it still eats away at you.
[00:03:11] If you have some food rules where it feels hard to let go of things, where it's, if I want to lose weight, I should be eating this and I should not be eating that. So if you've got some like really strong food rules where it feels hard to let go of, if you know that you are an emotional eater, you are stress eater. Maybe you eat when you're bored or because you're sad or lonely, or you notice sometimes at night there are cravings and urges and you just really struggle to say no to that. This workshop is for you. And we are going to dive deeper into understanding how your narc brain has been trained. Right? Because that's what this is all about is understanding the programming that we are often wired with from childhood. And so for some of you, maybe you have already started noticing dysfunction with your family of origin, with a parent or a caregiver, somebody who was that parental role for you. It could have been an older sibling as well, especially if there was a significant age difference.
[00:04:07] Maybe you have been in a narcissistic or really emotionally neglectful or emotionally abusive marriage.
[00:04:14] It can be really hard to navigate all of these aspects and all of these pieces. And so often they feel like they are separate.
[00:04:23] But that relationship, those dynamics, how you learn to survive is what is showing up now with food body weight loss. And it's why there can be challenges and struggles to lose the weight, to feel confident, safe and secure, to lose the weight and confident, safe, secure in keeping the weight off.
[00:04:45] And that's really important, is that you don't just lose it once and then are terrified of regaining the weight. You don't just lose it once and then regain it. A lot of this is, and what I've been working with clients through and really starting to understand myself is losing the weight and giving yourself enough time to fully embody all of the changes necessary to where it's not just, oh, I have some of these habits for a couple months, but more of I have these habits for, for a year. I've had these habits for a year and a half. I've gone through this longer period of time where I've been able to lose weight and keep the weight off through a variety of different changing circumstances without letting food, weight loss, habits, your health fall down. The list of priorities, and that's a really big piece, is not giving this the leftover time, effort, energy, attention that it needs. And I'll do some separate stuff on that. I've got ideas for like down the road, but this is really important. And one of the things my clients have noticed too is when they have, even when they've hired me. But maybe weight loss still was getting the leftovers. It was still not a top priority for them. And the question is always, when are you going to make it a priority? Are you ready to live with a healthy relationship with food? Are you ready to start feeling better about your body and who you are and how you're showing up in this world?
[00:06:09] Because you can spend the next six months continuing to gain weight, continuing to overeat and emotionally eat every day, or you can choose and decide, no, this is a priority. I am doing this now. This is what I want and I'm going to start this work now. Not that I have to create the result or have this end thing immediately, but that this is what I want to be working towards and this is important.
[00:06:33] So I hope that you can join me. I'm hosting it at 1pm Eastern, 10am Pacific. And so if you can't join me live, there will be a replay that goes out. I will put the link in the description here so you can click the link register. If you are already a part of my email list, you'll get emails about that to make it really easy just to click a button and you're registered. But this is really designed to bring all of these pieces together on a deeper level with what I've learned over the last four years, specifically in this world of emotional eating and binge eating, and specifically the last two to three years of bringing in the relationship dynamic and starting to see patterns across all my clients. And it's been so wild to see how so many people who came to me for emotional eating or weight loss all had some type of dysfunctional relationship in their life. And sometimes it was a pattern and something they grew up with, and sometimes it was more who they were married to or who they were in a long term dating relationship with.
[00:07:33] But there are reasons why it feels hard and we want to make sure that we're solving the right problem. This is why I am really big on let's identify the real problem, the right problem, so that we have the right solution. Because every time we keep turning to new diets and new exercise plans and new things, new habits and new ways of trying to build a habit when we aren't addressing the emotions and our nervous system and how to create that deep internal safety without changing your self concept, it's never going to stick and it's never going to work. And that will only erode your self trust and self belief because you're going to look around at all the other people who are doing it and then wonder, what's wrong with me.
[00:08:17] Sometimes we have to spend a little more time, effort, energy, understanding what's even blocking us from getting started. Because sometimes we really struggle in that wanting to start taking action. And sometimes the challenge is more so we can lose maybe 20, 30 pounds. But you get quarter of the way to your goal, halfway to your goal, and then the sabotaging patterns really start to show up and that's often the point where then you would regain the weight. And so we really need to understand how trauma impacts our brain and what is really at play.
[00:08:51] So let's dive into this analogy because this is a big piece of it. I, I was talking with a client about why it's hard to let go of coping mechanisms. I want you to imagine that you are out in the ocean and there's maybe land far off in the distance, but you're really not anywhere close. Okay? And you are just treading water and there's no sharks. Okay, you're fine, you're just treading water. And then a storm starts to roll in and all of a sudden now you have a pool floaty and you're like, sweet, I have this pool floaty. I'm going to get on this and I'm going to cling to it for dear life because this storm is raging and this does not feel good, this does not feel safe. I need to hold on tight.
[00:09:31] And you make it through that storm. And so now you're on this floaty and you're like, okay, I'm all right, I can do this.
[00:09:38] But then another storm comes, maybe a couple days, maybe a couple weeks later, but there's another storm that comes through. And so you hold on really tight to this pool floaty and you're like, whew, I made it through.
[00:09:51] And so there are moments when you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm going to die. Oh, my gosh, this feels overwhelming. This is terrible. What am I doing?
[00:09:59] But there are also moments where things feel calmer, where you're like, all right, it's okay. I got this. I just gotta stay here a little longer.
[00:10:06] And as you are there in the ocean, there are, like, Coast Guard ships that will come in periodically. Sometimes they come in and things are calm, and they ask, hey, do you need help? And you're like, no, I'm good. I'm fine. I'm listening to my podcasts. I'm reading my books. Don't worry, I'm good. I got this.
[00:10:25] And so they go on. And then a storm comes, and you're holding on for dear life, and another Coast Guard ship comes in, and they're like, hey, do you need some help?
[00:10:35] Do you want to come aboard?
[00:10:38] And you tell them no, because it feels too dangerous to get off of your floaty and to go get help and support around this area.
[00:10:49] Because you don't know what life is going to look like without the floaty. You don't know how much life is going to suck. You might even drown on your way trying to get the support. Like, in your brain. It doesn't always consciously make sense to us, but what's happened is your brain sees it as. That would be really unsafe to get to that Coast Guard ship, the ship that's there to save you, to help rescue you. It feels unsafe getting there, but it's okay. I can stay on this float and I might drown because of all of these storms, everything that's going on around me, but I also can't get off of it. It's like this thing might pull me down, and yet I also can't let it go because if I let it go, I might also die. It is that severe. It is that scary to get the help, to get the support and to let go of, even if it's momentarily, to let go of the thing that is saving you in that moment.
[00:11:43] So it's like they might even throw you, like a life ring that you put around your waist, and you still don't want to put it on. You still can't put it on because it's no. Cause then I have to let go of this floaty. The floaty can't come aboard. So it feels really unsafe to let go of. Potentially the only thing that's keeping you afloat, as we think of this story and we think of what's happening here. And I want you to imagine that food is your floaty. Things are fine when things are good, right? It's yay. The floaty is there, but, like, it's not a big deal. And we can go about life as normal, but when a storm comes, we are eating and we are turning to food to feel better. We are turning to food to feel safe. We are turning to food to regulate our nervous system.
[00:12:27] This is a big one. This is very important to recognize. It's not just about handling emotions in the moment daily, day to day, week to week. It is how you have learned to regulate your nervous system when you feel dysregulated.
[00:12:42] It's the way that your body has learned to feel safe and secure. It's the way that your brain has learned that.
[00:12:48] And so, of course, you don't want to get rid of. You don't want to let go of that coping mechanism, because it's what's keeping you afloat. And in your mind, in your brain, it's like, this is where you've made it. This is what's saving my life.
[00:13:03] It could also be alcohol.
[00:13:05] It could be validation from someone else or from a dating app and multiple other people. Could be just validation from men or women in general.
[00:13:16] And sometimes when we are in these dysfunctional relationships, these toxic relationships, that other person is the floaty.
[00:13:25] And we're like, no, I can't leave this person, because it would be very unsafe without them.
[00:13:32] And we don't have the confidence in ourselves.
[00:13:35] It takes a lot to be able to get us to wake up and to be able to let go of that person because so much is attached. There's not just safety there, but there's praise and validation and feeling special and chosen and wanted, Feeling like we are doing the right thing, the good thing, Especially when you start to bring religion into it.
[00:13:55] This is what a good wife does. This is what a good husband does.
[00:14:01] And so even when things aren't working, even when it's not healthy, even when it is causing physical, mental, emotional harm and pain, we still have such a hard time walking away because it feels so unsafe, because we have to, momentarily. We haven't quite gotten to the ship. We have not gotten to shore. We have not gotten to dry land. And we have to let go of that pool floaty.
[00:14:29] Your brain is, well, if we let go of this pool floaty, what if we die trying to get to the ship? What if we get on the ship and then there's Another storm and then we capsize.
[00:14:39] I'm safer here. Yes, I might still die here, but there is still a level of safety and security here. And it's what feels familiar.
[00:14:48] This is why it is so hard to leave dysfunctional relationships.
[00:14:53] It's why it's so hard to go low contact or no contact with a parent. It's why it's so hard to get out of a romantic relationship that's really toxic.
[00:15:03] And because how we do one thing is often how we do everything. What we learn as a kid and how we grow up with those patterns, we keep recreating them, not just in relationships, but in so many other areas of life.
[00:15:17] So it's not safe to lose the weight. It's not safe to keep the weight off. It's not safe to get a better job. It's not safe to make more money. It's not safe to start that business and walk away from your 9 to 5 job.
[00:15:33] Our brains are wired for safety. That is what your habit brain craves. It is designed, it is wired to keep you safe and alive. That is the core.
[00:15:44] The challenge is when we want new things, we want different things. We want to be successful when we are ambitious and driven and motivated and we want something different for ourselves, for our kids, for others around us, for our communities.
[00:16:00] We want to have so much compassion for ourselves here because this is where we can get really frustrated with ourselves. And we think, gosh, why can't I keep it together? Why can't I just have more willpower? Why can't I just say no? Why is it that I always fall back into this binge behavior?
[00:16:17] What's wrong with me? Why do I keep attracting this same toxic type of person and we end up writing all men or all women are bad or evil or toxic. We throw everything away. Instead of looking at how you created those relationships not from shame, blame, judgment, self loathing, but with so much curiosity and compassion and really understanding the emotional needs that's meeting for you.
[00:16:43] And this is key. We have to understand the emotional needs that are being met either by the food, the alcohol, a dating app, another person.
[00:16:54] Because until you learn to meet those needs for yourself, it's going to be really hard to let go of that coping mechanism.
[00:17:02] So why you can only do it for so long? With most diets, you can only follow them for a few weeks, maybe even a couple months. It's really hard to let go of the food rules. Even when you come and work with me and I tell you no food is bad or off limits, you still have been brainwashed into believing certain foods are allowed and certain foods are not allowed when trying to lose weight. Here's what I should and shouldn't be eating. This is what it means to be low calorie. This is how many calories I should be eating or how many macros. Right. It is hard to let go of some of those habits because it's those food rules that often we think create our certainty for weight loss. And we don't want to put all this time and effort and money and energy into something and not create a result from it, right? Of course not.
[00:17:45] But so often we are focused on the wrong thing and we need to have a lot of compassion as we are working to rewire our brain. We're working to create safety, to achieve our goals. We are understanding the real core abandonment wounds that we experience in narcissistic relationships. That we can heal the shame that has been deeply ingrained in us, not just from ourselves and how we think about ourselves, but often we learn that from other people. As a child, I think I experienced a lot of shame that is learned. And I used to take that on as like, where did this come from? Why am I just so shamey? And so much of that is learned.
[00:18:26] It's not blaming, it's not being a victim, it's understanding why this happened. And now that you are a grown adult who can make your own decisions, make your own choices, you can choose differently.
[00:18:39] But we have to be able to let go of that pool floaty. We have to be able to get on the rescue ship that is there to take you for help to safety.
[00:18:52] And we have to be willing to trust ourselves.
[00:18:56] And it's scary, right? This could happen with a job too. Your pool floaty might be a really toxic job and work environment and it might be a job that you really don't like. And you're like, I can't leave this job because what happens if I go hop on a ship and I go to a new job and then I drown?
[00:19:11] It's this damned if I do, damned if I don't. It's a no win situation. It is lose, lose, and we've got to be able to break out of those.
[00:19:21] And so often we feel trapped. We feel like we don't have options. There is no good option. It is really, we are screwed either way.
[00:19:29] That is a really hard place to be. It's a really shitty place to be. Mindset wise, emotionally, this is what we are going to be exploring and working on more in this upcoming Workshop. This is what I do with clients, is help them understand these deep emotional and psychological reasons as to why. Why it doesn't feel safe to lose weight, why they can be doing well for a couple of weeks, and then they slam on the brakes, and it feels like then they start sabotaging everything. Why they can have good intentions and make a plan to get started with a new program, a new system for weight loss maybe. And then day one, it's like they are saying screw it, and they don't even get started.
[00:20:07] Or they're trying to do a plan that is so restrictive, they can't even do it for a single day.
[00:20:13] We've got to understand what else is at play.
[00:20:17] And I want to offer that when you have already left a toxic relationship, a toxic person, you have a piece of the puzzle.
[00:20:26] You've done it once, you have left one of these life rafts, you've left one of these pool floaties, and you can do it again.
[00:20:34] But we have to create the safety to do that.
[00:20:37] And this is what I'm here to help show you and help you to do for me to be able to stop emotionally eating, to stop binge eating while in a toxic relationship, that's impressive.
[00:20:50] So if I can do it while still in the midst of a dysfunctional dynamic, you can 100% do it when you're out of one.
[00:20:58] We want to find that peace and security and healing in one area, and then we can do it in others. And typically, this is why I do a lot of life coaching with people, is because a lot of times we aren't fully healed. We may have the legal divorce, we may have a legal separation. We might be broken up and maybe have been broken up for years, maybe even decades, but we haven't actually healed the relationship trauma.
[00:21:25] And while it sounds, and it seems like something totally different, it is impacting your ability to lose weight, your ability to believe in yourself, your ability to believe new things before you have the evidence.
[00:21:38] That is one of the hardest things to do for narc survivors. To believe something new when you don't have any evidence to support it yet.
[00:21:48] It is so hard, and you have somebody else's voice that you've now adopted as your own, running in the undercurrent of your brain.
[00:21:59] I don't know if you can keep this up.
[00:22:01] Okay, sure, you lost five pounds last month, but can you do it again?
[00:22:05] What if you regain the weight and then we have past experiences where we haven't lost the five pounds again? We did regain the weight and we completely threw ourselves under the bus and there was shame and guilt and regret and self loathing. And we thought we could create change and do something different if we just punished ourselves enough. If we were enough of a dick bag drill instructor, I could get myself to do the thing that I want to do.
[00:22:34] Change comes from punishment and self loathing. That was our thought process. But it's really a thought error, right? Is a thought error to believe that the only way that you can learn or the only way that you can not do something again, the only way you can do something different or do something new, is to beat yourself up.
[00:22:53] So often we think, if I can just punish myself enough, if I can just beat myself up enough, if I could shame myself enough, then I'll learn from it.
[00:23:01] And it's the complete opposite, because we cannot learn when we are in shame and self loathing and regret and frustration and fear and angst. And then we start going down a rabbit hole telling ourselves we're never going to do this.
[00:23:12] This isn't possible for us.
[00:23:14] We must not have the right genes, the right genetics. Now our hormones are out of whack, it's perimenopause, it's menopause. We're going to have all of these different reasons as to why it's not possible or why it's not possible now.
[00:23:26] And we're going to find evidence for it as to how it's true. And we're going to find other people to support that evidence as well.
[00:23:32] But we then give up all of our control, all of our power, and our goal now is to take it back. To no longer be the victim of somebody that's no longer in your life, to no longer let them have power and control over you and what you can or can't do and the success that you can create.
[00:23:51] But we have to address and go after the weight loss aspect in a different way than you've ever been taught before.
[00:23:59] It's simple. The process is simple, but it doesn't always feel easy because we are flying in the face of this brainwashed narc brain that we have and how we have been brainwashed over the years. And so many areas of life, we have to combat that. And that's exactly what I do with people.
[00:24:17] This is how you work with me. This is what we do together to create a true mind body transformation.
[00:24:24] If you want some help and you're like, hell yeah, sign me up, I want to join. The best place to start is with a free consultation to learn more about working with me. And to see if this is a good fit, you can schedule your free call at www.bodyucrave.com forward/schedule. And if you'd like to join me for this free workshop on June 12, you can sign up with the registration link in the description. I believe it's bodyyoucrave.com forward/june-workshop. I'm going to make sure that those are both linked up so you can sign up. Join me for that one hour training and we are going to dive deeper into these elements in a way that I've never described or taught them before. And I guarantee this hour is going to blow your mind.
[00:25:09] All right, I hope y' all have a fabulous week. Welcome to June. I am so excited for summer to be here. I think fall is probably my favorite season, but I absolutely love summer. And after all the rain we have had this spring spring and this gloomy, dreary weather, I am so freaking happy to see the sun. I'm not sure that I'm gonna love the humidity that's about to come upon us, but I'm so happy to have the sun finally here with us. Have a fabulous week. Here's to creating the life and body you crave.
[00:25:45] If this episode resonated with you, it's time to time to break free from destructive cycles around food, alcohol and toxic relationships. Your next step Book your free Break the Cycle call where you'll finally see why your binge eating and relationship patterns are so deeply connected and how to break free from both for good.
[00:26:05] You'll walk away with fierce clarity and a game plan to step into a life full of fun, adventure and self love. Grab your spot now at www.bodyucrave.com BTC.
[00:26:20] It's time to break the cycle. I'll show you how.
