Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott. Y' all ready? Let's go.
[00:00:24] Hey. Hey. Welcome back.
[00:00:26] All right. At the time that this episode airs, it is my 40th birthday and I am so excited. I'm so pumped for my 40s. And it's really shifted in the last couple of years. I would say I was maybe a little nervous to turn 40. I felt like, how am I 40 already? I feel like everybody probably feels this way. They're like, woman, I'm not 40. And I have received some of the best compliments recently of people saying I look in my late 20s or I look like I'm early 30s or somebody would have guessed I was turning 32.
[00:00:56] So I was like, yes, I will take it. And I have always looked young for my age. And so I remember being like 21 or 22 and still probably looking 15, 16 years old. And I remember thinking, this is going to pay off one day. I know it might be a little bit annoying right now, but one day when I am 50 and I look 35, I'm not going to care if I am. If I'm 45 and I look 35, I'm not going to care one day. This is going to be a blessing. It's been really fun because most people wouldn't normally guess that's how old I was turning. So I'm super excited. I'm having a party and with this episode, I'm going to piggyback off of last year's birthday episode that I did and also talk about some of the things that have been guiding and directing me the last couple of years and how things have shifted since even starting to think about and plan for divorce. When I created my one year future vision, as I was just starting the divorce process in the spring of 2023, I had to work on my belief and my conviction that I could create a life after divorce, that I didn't need my now ex, I didn't need his money, I didn't need him to provide for me, that I could really provide an amazing life for myself. So part of this was really building my self confidence and my self esteem. And so I created a one year future vision and then I did two and a half years. So to put me at 40 and then I did a five year. So in another two and a half years.
[00:02:23] And I have created a lot of what I've set out to do. And I am so excited because I know that there is still so much more growth and opportunity for me. But I have come so far, and what I've told a few people recently is like, my 30s were hard. There were definitely some amazing things. But I started off the decade still binging every single night. I was living with a house of other women. My ex was deployed. We were married. At the time, I hadn't really fully put the pieces together yet around emotional eating and binge eating. I was still consumed with food and mind drama around food and what I couldn't eat when I was going to eat next. I was constantly and obsessively exercising. I was really struggling, hating my body, not feeling good enough, really wrestling with a lot of things, always wanting to lose weight, never feeling pretty enough, thin enough. I started my 30s working another job, working for another company, and also with this desire of wanting to start a business and also really struggling. That first year, I had invested $20,000 and I made zero. I made absolutely nothing. And that was really disheartening. But I also knew while I needed some time to regroup and change course, I also knew that I still had this vision. I still had this desire to be a coach and to find where it really was my zone of genius.
[00:03:47] There were a lot of moves in this past decade. I lived in seven states.
[00:03:52] There was a lot of travel, a lot of back and forth. But I also went through a miscarriage. I also woke up to a lot of abuse in my life and a lot of dysfunction, and even the dysfunction that I was bringing to the table and really starting to recognize that over the last couple years. And I am so pumped for my 40s, not just because I look younger, but because I feel like I have completely transformed and I am a completely new person. And I really feel like that phoenix that's rising from the ashes, it's so much has burned and crumbled away, and I am now rising up, and this is my decade. It gives me goosebumps because I know I am in such alignment with where God wants me and the gifts and talents and the strengths and things that he has given me, that he has put on my heart. I know that I am exactly where I need to be.
[00:04:45] And a lot of it is also learning to lean on and trust him and need him every day, every week, every month.
[00:04:54] And while there's this goal and there's this commitment to creating an end result, there's also this detachment from the timeline. So I'm going to get into that just a little bit later as I talk about some specifics. But some of the quotes, the things that have really guided me. I know I shared this one a week or two ago, but it's good. Judgment comes from experience.
[00:05:14] Experience comes from making mistakes.
[00:05:17] And I feel like I have really turned the corner. My 30s really helped me to learn how to learn from mistakes. I really was able to drop the shame, to drop the judgment in so many big, profound ways. And yes, sometimes it will still sneak in from time to time, but I can navigate it so much better. And I don't indulge in that shitty thinking anymore. I really have taken my brain to a place where I can truly learn from mistakes. I can learn from failure. I'm not just hiding away from it so much that I'm able to look at recent events, recent things, as well as to go back many years, many decades, to really start to understand these patterns and habits and things that I adopted as a kid and how so often it was designed to keep me safe. It was designed as a way to survive.
[00:06:05] And really now being able to see and break through those survival mechanisms to create so much peace and so much freedom, not just with food and weight and body, but with relationships and friendships and the way that I think about myself, the way that I talk to myself, whether I'm on track and hitting a goal or I'm not, that is so profound. And really to not give up on myself, I would say one of the things I'm really proud of, I'm proud of a lot of things, but my decision to keep investing in myself, to keep working with a coach or in a mastermind or in some kind of container, like, to keep working on my brain, my emotional capacity, my resiliency, that is one of the things that I'm really proud of, and I know that's only going to continue.
[00:06:51] There are a couple other things that have been on my mind, especially the last couple of years. Two other quotes that I have really been working to embody and really let this live in me.
[00:07:02] And one of them is until you make the subconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you'll call it fate. And this is so key and so important because so often we let these habits, these patterns just run in our life without recognizing. This is just a subconscious pattern. It's a subconscious thought. It's just our default programming. And the more we can gain awareness, the more we can wake up and see it, the more you won't be able to unsee it. Right. It's just like when you wake up to dysfunctional patterns and dysfunctional people and red flags. When you really learn the lesson, when you have experienced real transformation, you can't unsee it. And the more that we can keep divorcing the patterns and the habits within ourselves, the coping mechanisms, the survival mechanisms, the more we can keep divorcing that. Because it's not just about divorcing a person. It's not just about breaking up with a person.
[00:07:56] It's about understanding those patterns within us that have us keep recreating the same things over and over again. It's like dating the same person with a different face. That's what we have to work on. And we don't just want to keep calling it fate or God's will. And so another one of my favorites has been the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. By Carl Rogers and this has been so profound because so much of this last decade has really been coming to peace and acceptance with what is.
[00:08:29] No longer trying to change someone when they don't want to be changed. No longer trying to change myself from a place of punishment or I'm not good enough or self loathing or insufficiency or inadequacy, feeling like I don't have enough or I need to make this change because where I'm at right now, it's not good enough.
[00:08:48] And this becomes the foundation for when I say you've got to love your body now and all the way down the scale, right? I accept myself now and it's when I do that then I can change and the change becomes so much more peaceful and we can release some of the trauma that comes with weight loss and that we've experienced with diets and diet ptsd. I'm going to talk more about that next week in the diet trauma 2.0. I've got a revised revamped training really around diet trauma.
[00:09:20] Part of our diet trauma is not just the food rules or what other people are telling us we can and can't do or we should or shouldn't do. It's how we are thinking about ourselves. It's how we're talking to ourselves. It's beating ourselves up when we regain weight. It's all of the negative thoughts and the negative beliefs and it's when we can transform our self concept. It's. That's what we need to rise up. When you think about this Phoenix, it's not Just habits and results that we're creating in life. It is how you see yourself. It's how you think about yourself. It's how you hold yourself to this high standard. You have so much self love and self trust and self compassion. I am so excited for this next decade because I can see such big transformation over the last three years and really over the last decade as a whole, but definitely in the last three years.
[00:10:09] And I know that the next 10 years are going to be even more incredible.
[00:10:14] Last year, episode 103 is the power of one year. And that's a birthday message. It's also the one year anniversary divorce. Iversary and I talk about the divorce was signed and it was final on what was supposed to be my due date. And I was actually born 10 days late. And so there was just a lot that happened within that. And I also talk about how to handle it when you do have a big goal. Because sometimes it can feel really daunting if you have a big weight loss goal or even if you have a lot of diet trauma and you have a lot of this constant food obsession and food noise and it feels really loud and very overwhelming. And it can just feel so big, like how am I ever gonna work through this? We break it down and we make it so much simpler. But I talk about how do we handle these big goals, how do we handle big changes, big things that we wanna make. And it's really one step at a time. That's what it is. It's one step, 1% better. That is always the key.
[00:11:09] So let me walk you through my one year future vision that I created in April of 2023. And I picked out the five traits characteristics that I want to embody over the next year. And I've just kept those the same. So it's decisive, calm, captivating, unapologetic and fierce.
[00:11:29] And I have stepped into more of these in different ways and different levels. I would say one of my things has been my willingness to feel. And I know there's not really a word I think that kind of sums that up, but it's like vulnerability, surrender. And this re. Surrender has come up as another word for me of just the alignment that I want to have in always trusting God and wanting to follow his vision, his plan for my life. And knowing that I'm going to keep walking until he tells me otherwise, I'm going to keep going down this path. And if God says to pivot or to change, I will move. But I'm not going to keep questioning It I'm going to stay on this path until he tells me otherwise. Side tangent.
[00:12:10] But I listed out how do I want to feel? I want to feel calm, confident, sufficient, successful and thriving.
[00:12:19] And then I went through and listed out like, where am I living? And the place that I had thought about earlier in the spring, early summer was the exact place I ended up living. It's where I ended up moving into and my relationship with myself. So this is just for the one year more. Self trust and to make and follow through on decisions.
[00:12:40] Confidence to handle any challenges that come my way.
[00:12:43] Peace with who I am and the value I bring.
[00:12:46] Self validation, praise and cheerleading and then healing my trauma and turning it into my superpower. And I think with that last one, I'm gonna keep doing more and more of that. But I can see so much where maybe in the last two and a half years that has really come to fruition. I did a little bit in that first year, but the first year was also a lot of finding myself in similar patterns, even similar thought patterns, and recognizing what was going on and how to shift it. And I have such a new perspective on it now, even just one extra year out. But I'm continuing to do that. I'm continuing to let that evolve and to grow.
[00:13:24] I want a strong relationship with Caleb and a strong connection with him to create the openness for him to talk to me about anything, where I validate his feelings and help him process through his thoughts and emotions.
[00:13:35] I don't give in to every whim or desire, but I can provide needs and some wants. Part of my goal was also wanting to learn how to comfortably say no and to find this balance between the yeses and the no's and being okay and holding space for his emotions when it is a no and knowing that he's got to learn how to hear the word no.
[00:13:56] Because at some point a teacher is going to tell him no and he's going to have to respect that. A coach is going to tell him no and he's going to have to respect that. And at some point he's going to start dating and a girl is going to tell him no. And he has got to learn that. He needs to respect that. And that starts at a very young age when he's learning. He doesn't always get his way and that's okay. He's going to survive. He's going to be just fine. Even though right now his habit brain just wants to totally freak out. I'm learning to better handle and manage my emotions. My Brain, my little freakouts. And I can help him manage his and hold space for that and allow him really this space to have emotions to where he doesn't have to have certain emotions in order to try to please me. That all emotions are safe, all of them are allowed. And then hobbies with playing guitar two or three times a week, not there yet. I am teaching body pump. I'm getting together with girlfriends once a month. I've not really explored too many new cities. There's been a little bit of that, but I think there'll be even more in coming months and over this next year. But I put in like, some things I'm looking forward to most, which is larger blocks of work time and having full days off from everything, which will make time with Caleb and time that I'm working even more special and valuable when I can take that break. And I have a break sometimes from him and I have a break sometimes from work. And it's finding that balance.
[00:15:17] And then I asked myself, what would it look like to drop the rope to stop playing tug of war. And I think this was in context with my now ex and it would be acknowledging his words and feelings and validate them. To not argue or try to convince and to say okay or not engage or don't say anything at all, really just learning how to disengage from the drama and keep my peace. And not just try to keep the peace for everyone, but to keep my peace and what feels in alignment for me, what I need.
[00:15:48] That was the one year. And then from there, what I want to create by my 40th. And I didn't put anything about a romantic relationship. I think at this point when I was creating this, it was not on my radar at all to be dating. I think it was more to be single. But I hadn't quite made the connection that I needed to learn how to be happy being single. So I did create that over the last year was like this peace and contentment and true joy and happiness.
[00:16:12] Being alone and not having a boyfriend or a man in my life in that romantic way.
[00:16:18] And then by the time I was 40, it was like, I want to be open to a romantic relationship. I want to feel confident that I can spot red flags quickly and end contact.
[00:16:27] I want to heal my attachment trauma and know what qualities I'm looking for.
[00:16:31] And I want to be open to a relationship but not needing one. So still feeling very sufficient and whole, just as I am. And I feel like I've created that. I've stepped into that More and more. And it was a little bit longer, bumpier of a road than I realized to get there.
[00:16:47] But it's exactly the journey that I needed to be on. And now I've created this as my end result. So it's like at the end of the day, I'm still doing this exactly on time. And I think that's what's so amazing. Even without even looking at this, I don't think I've even looked at this in the last year. But this is so fun to see. It's so good to look at. I set some business goals which I have not hit yet, but that's okay. I don't have a membership I'm not necessarily working on scaling. There are some things that I have not created yet. And I also know that there has been so much other personal growth and healing in the last two and a half years that I'm also really okay with that because I know that it's just gonna keep expanding, that my growth and achieving new things and new levels is gonna keep growing and there's just gonna be this ripple effect into all areas of life. And then I wrote out for my five year vision of, okay, so what's different from two and a half years? And I was like, on five years, I'd like to be in a healthy, loving, thriving relationship with someone who values me on all levels. We treat each other as equals. No one is above or below, better or worse than the other. But we are a true team.
[00:17:55] That is ultimately what I want. Somebody who treats me well, not just on a first date or in the first months of dating, but when they're stressed, when they're upset, when they're upset with me and something that I did or didn't do. Right. It's like there are some key characteristics now that I'm looking for.
[00:18:12] And part of this is now it's like there's this foundational healing that has happened and now there's going to be healing that continues in relationship with others, in conjunction with other people.
[00:18:24] It's so fun to see all of this starting to come to fruition. I didn't write out hardly any five year goals. I did say that I wanted to buy a home, I wanted to have my own home with an office, but that was about it. And so I've added to that a little bit more now of, okay, I think I may want a new vehicle.
[00:18:41] I have a hybrid right now and the hybrid battery, I've got it under warranty for the next maybe 2ish years. And so I'm like, okay, once it falls out of warranty, then I'm probably going to get a new one. Just even starting to think about that. Yeah, I get to play with and pick out a new car in a couple years. That'll be super fun. Thinking about some new business goals, how I'm working with clients, but also starting to add in the speaking events, the retreats, in person workshops, starting to plan for that. And a lot of this is also I'm going to plan. And there comes a point where I also have to pull the trigger. It's time where we've gotta just do it. And this is part of why I'm doing a retreat next year with clients is because this has been on my mind and on my radar for so long. I see it as like, the podcast where it's like, I've been thinking about it for years now, and it's time to do it. I'm gonna get better, but I gotta get started. And I can't just keep thinking, wishing, hoping, wanting. I mean, I can, but this is something that I actually want to bring to life.
[00:19:36] Just like getting my first tattoo, which is gonna be happening on my birthday. And I am getting these Phoenix, angel, win.
[00:19:45] And I'm also getting a script in Latin that says, she rises on her own wings. I have been playing with the idea of getting a tattoo. I've been scared. And really, we're coming down to that moment where I'm like, okay, let's just do it. If this is something you want, we're gonna do it. I have a speaking event, and I coordinated it and was able to make it fall in line with a concert that I wanna go to later this year. And so it's been really cool. Cause I still wanna be out there doing things and having fun and living my life and not just thinking about, oh, yeah, one day, One day, that'll be nice. But actually putting it out there and intentionally doing it, setting it up, following through that is what I have accomplished. That is what I am working towards.
[00:20:27] And it's so funny because I feel like it's been a long two years. There's been so much that has happened, and yet also it feels like it's gone by so quickly at the same time. But there's so much peace and contentment and ease that I've really worked hard at intentionally creating. When I think about even just, like, the dating side of things and the dating aspect, I thought I was going to find somebody very quickly. I think even though I didn't put it in here at the time I made it, as the divorce went on, there was this desire to have somebody in my life, and it was because I was using men and attention from men to meet my emotional needs.
[00:21:04] That's something now that I really work to address. And so while the abandonment wound may still get triggered, while attachment issues may still come up, while there still might be things moving forward, I also. I'm continuing to learn and grow and evolve in this way in this area. And I know it's only going to get better from here. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to still have challenges or obstacles or hardships, because I know that is part of the trade off of life.
[00:21:30] It is going to be 50, 50. I've made even more peace with that. I've gotten so much better at holding space for my emotions, being able to allow them, to feel them, to process through them. Even just starting this podcast like it started when I was in my 30s, and just how much it's grown since I first started it in 2021, it's wild.
[00:21:51] There's still gonna be patterns and things that I'm still gonna be working to shift and to divorce the patterns and these habits, especially still around things like people pleasing. I'll do an episode on that soon, most likely as we get into the holidays, because I think the more that we are around people and family, I think that's where it can tend to come up. But I notice that I am so quick to change my stuff to try to accommodate other people, even when I'm not even asked. Like, they're not asking me to change it. They're also not running their stuff by me and asking, does this work? I'm just jumping in to make it work. And so I'm like, huh, that's interesting.
[00:22:28] So more on that later. But even being able to wake up and spot that pattern faster and faster. All right, here's to 40. And Lord willing, I have another 40 or 50 years left. But no matter how much time I have left on this earth, I wanna make it count. I wanna make it matter. I want my voice to be heard. I want to help women change their lives. And I hope to also find somebody that I can do this crazy, messy wonder.
[00:22:56] All right, I am hosting a party this evening with a bunch of friends and family. I'll be coaching my son's soccer game tomorrow morning. That's been so much fun. I'm really glad that I got into that in the spring. And I will keep y' all posted. So far we are undefeated.
[00:23:13] We've only had two games but we are undefeated.
[00:23:16] And then my dad and I are taking my son to a dinosaur expo like an interactive exhibit type of thing this weekend. So I'm really looking forward to that. But I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and we will be back next week with a little bit heavier topics. Talking about trauma diet, trauma, trauma versaries, how do we navigate and go through different stages of change, stages of acceptance, things like that. And then we are going to start to get into some holiday stuff. And so just to put a little buzz in Your ear, Saturday 27th September I will be hosting a holiday themed workshop. It's going to be Handling the Holidays five Myths of Holiday Weight Loss. There's not a link to sign up yet. I will be sharing that soon, but I'm going to do this. It's a free event. Anybody can come and we are going to talk and start thinking about and planning through the holidays because so often they can sneak up on us really easily. And I also want to empower everyone listening to know that you can still enjoy the holidays and lose weight at the same time.
[00:24:19] So if that's something that you want to do, if you're like, yes, I'm in. I want to lose 25 pounds by the end of the year. Let's go and still love and enjoy your life as you're losing the weight, I can help you do that. Your next best step is to schedule a free consultation so you can visit bodyyoucrave.com schedule find a time on my calendar and we'll talk more about where you are right now and where you want to be a year from now, two years from now, what does your future vision look like? And I'll show you how to bring it to life. The potential obstacles and challenges that you're going to face and how to overcome them with ease.
[00:24:57] All right, here's to creating the life and body you crave.
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