Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott. Y' all ready? Let's go.
[00:00:24] Hey. Hey. Welcome back. And welcome to our episode really exploring emotional drinking. You see all of these episodes, I feel like you can take food and replace it with alcohol. You can take one mechanism and replace it with something else. But sometimes it's helpful to have a specific, concrete example of one thing over another.
[00:00:45] And one of the things that I noticed is that I got really good at catching my emotional eating, but then I had to get better at catching it when it was coming out as emotional drinking. Because even though I wasn't turning to food, I could still be turning to wine or a cocktail or a spritzer for a sense of relief, a sense of joy, pleasure, some excitement in my day, right? I could still be using it for that little hit of dopamine.
[00:01:13] And what's really fascinating is then after my divorce, I also recognized that I did this with a dating app. I wasn't turning to food. I wasn't turning to alcohol because I was aware of those two things. But I started turning to an app, and I started turning to men complimenting me, men praising me, and that being my source of dopamine. And because of all of the core wounds that I have and issues around men and attention from men and dating and things like that, that became an even easier source to then turn to.
[00:01:47] And really what we want to be doing is really understanding. What is it there to tell us? Because the fact that this is happening is not bad.
[00:01:55] It's just there to help us understand new and deeper coping mechanisms. It's there to help us understand things at a deeper level, to help us better identify where we are still wanting to avoid certain emotions, or we're trying to use something or someone to meet our own emotional needs. And when we do this in relationships, when we stay in these toxic relationships, it's because this person is meeting an emotional need for us. And because they're meeting that need, it's very hard to walk away. It's not just about leaving because things are bad. It's like they love bombed you. They met this need and this desire for love and affection and attention, and they met it really hard, really fast. So when the abuse, the neglect, the control, the manipulation, the demeaning words, when those pieces come around in the dynamic, we don't recognize them as, oh, this is not a good sign, I need to leave. We think, how do I get back to when things were good? How do I get back when he was love bombing me? Typically, we didn't know that we were being love bombed. I would say most people didn't know that at the time, but we kept looking for this person to meet our emotional needs. That's a big reason as to why we stayed and why it was hard to leave is because if they're meeting this emotional need, it's like we're trying to give up that coping mechanism.
[00:03:14] It's the same thing with food and with alcohol. It's going to be really hard to give up a coping mechanism if you don't have healthier options and healthier coping mechanisms to replace that with. If you don't know how to allow yourself to feel emotions, to process them, to sit with them, to experience them as long as needed. And typically, if you grew up with narcissistic or emotional abuse, certain emotions were not allowed. You could only have the emotion that your parent or your caregiver wanted you to have or thought was appropriate. Right. So there were times when I see this play out with my son where my son will feel sad or disappointed and he'll express that. And then his dad is like, what, are you not grateful for what you've got? Don't be sad, don't be upset. Don't throw away a good day with your bad emotions.
[00:04:01] He is very resistant to other people's emotions and he very much has this view of other people need to have the emotions that I want them to have.
[00:04:10] And he'll say things that manipulate and push people to believe his line of thinking.
[00:04:16] And that's often what we grow up with. So it's like that's what we know. And because it's familiar, that's why we stay in that dynamic and that's why we keep getting into that dynamic. It's why we leave one toxic relationship and we keep getting into one after the other after another. They're usually just dysfunctional and toxic in different ways. They're like a little bit different flavor of dysfunction. Right. That's how I think of it.
[00:04:38] But let's bring this back to alcohol because I think this is really important that we recognize it's never just about the alcohol. It's never just about the wine or the cocktail. There's always something deeper underneath. I remember towards the end of my marriage, and this was the spring of 2023, I was drinking about two glasses of wine almost every single night. And looking back, I wasn't drinking because I was out of control or I was an alcoholic or I had a drinking problem.
[00:05:06] I was drinking because I was wanting to escape. I liked the little wine spritzers that I was making. They tasted good. They were light and refreshing, especially as the weather was heating up. Like it was a very nice evening thing to do. It signaled that the day was done. And be quite honest, by the end of the night, I was kind of tired of drinking water.
[00:05:24] I was like, please, I just need something else to drink. But really beyond that, beyond just the, this tastes good. This makes me happy.
[00:05:33] It was giving me an escape. It was like a tiny pocket of pleasure and relaxation when other parts of my life were feeling particularly challenging, or when I saw the end was near, when I was dreading what was coming next because this was happening. This was about one year after I woke up and realized just how bad my marriage actually was. I'd already recognized that he didn't see his actions, his behavior, his words as a problem.
[00:06:01] And so, because they weren't a problem, of course, they don't need fixing, right? It's like people don't fix what they don't think is broken. He didn't see it as broken or being an issue. And so that was very frustrating for me. I also was really disappointed and let down that he didn't follow through on his promises or his commitments, like finding a therapist or a counselor or being willing to work with me more on finding a church, about not being so controlling and domineering about that.
[00:06:27] And really deep down, there was a part of me that just kept hoping that he was going to change.
[00:06:31] Maybe he would change. Maybe he could see the light. Maybe if I talked to him just right or I said just the right thing, maybe he could see things from my perspective, and then he could become the man I wanted him to be.
[00:06:44] Because there was so much potential.
[00:06:46] There was so much potential. We could have such a great marriage if he could just get his shit together right?
[00:06:54] And I guarantee that's what he thought about me.
[00:06:58] We could have such a great life if she would just stop fighting so hard for this stupid vision and just play house like I want her to. If she could just be quiet and be happy and grateful for what she's got. If she could just do all the laundry and all of the chores, if she could just be that stay at home, parent and pop out all the babies and parent them all 24, seven, we could have such a great life. And I didn't want that.
[00:07:22] So now we are nearly 10 years into the marriage that I very clearly recognize is not going anywhere. Because the thought of doing another 10 years like the previous 10 years was a big hell no for me. And that's what I had to do, was I had to stop pretending like things could change, because the only way I wanted to stay another 10 years was if things changed. And you can't play that game. You can't play, well, if things change, if they do that, if they don't do this over here, we cannot put those caveats. We have to look at all of the last five years, 10 years, 20 years, however long it's been, if this stays exactly the same, do I want more of it? And this goes for romantic partnerships. It goes for relationships with parents, it goes for relationships with friends. It goes for religious groups and dynamics within that. It goes for your career or your job.
[00:08:13] If you look at your history and that amount of time there, do you want the exact same experience for the next set of time?
[00:08:21] That's what we have to look at. Is it a yes or a no to that? Because so often that's where we get stuck, and that's why we stay longer than we should in these dynamics, is because we keep thinking, well, maybe they'll change.
[00:08:34] Or you keep trying to change yourself, you keep trying to fix yourself. And I think by this point, at 10 years, I had already spent the first nine years thinking I was the problem and I needed to change. And I kept reading books, going to workshops, talking to pastors, talking to pastors, wives, seeing counselors. I kept doing all the things, thinking I just needed to do something better. I just needed to communicate better if I could change. And there came a point then in that year nine, where I was like, oh, maybe it's not me. Maybe I'm not the one that needs to change.
[00:09:04] But now I need to convince somebody else that he needs to change, should change.
[00:09:10] And when he doesn't think he has a need to, that is a very moot point.
[00:09:15] So I could tell that this marriage was not going to last. It was not going anywhere. Because at the end of the day, I kept wanting him to be somebody that he wasn't. And he kept wanting me to be somebody that I wasn't, that I'm not. But because we recently moved states, I also knew that we couldn't legally get divorced and pursue that process until we lived in our new state for six months. So. So I was kind of biding time, building my business also still secretly hoping he would change, that something would be better, that maybe we could make this work. There was still that little bit of hope that I was hanging on to.
[00:09:50] And to be quite honest, I was also terrified of the process and how I thought he would respond. I was terrified of not just having to live on my own, but to live on my own now, paying all my own bills for the very first time, and to raise a son by myself 50% of the time.
[00:10:08] It felt very scary. I was very much dreading the divorce, not because it was going to be my second, which it was, but because I'd heard so many horror stories from other women where it dragged on for years. It cost them tens of thousands of dollars, and I did not have that kind of cash for lawyer bills. But I especially didn't have the nervous system capacity after being constantly triggered over the last 10 years with. Without much of a break, really, my entire life without much of a break.
[00:10:36] And so it's no wonder that the wine was a bit of an escape. It helped me pass the time until I could actually do something about my situation.
[00:10:43] It helped me make the nights a little bit more enjoyable, a little more fun, gave me something fun for my mouth to drink instead of just water.
[00:10:50] And it's interesting because I was very aware of any emotional eating or emotional drinking during my divorce, which thankfully only lasted three months.
[00:10:58] But those three months were intense. But because the emotion was so intense, I was very aware of it and very aware not to drink, not to eat. I was very much on guard and kind of on the lookout for it to make sure that I wasn't doing it, because there was a lot of grief and rejection and anger and fear and uncertainty about the future and a lot of these big emotions that came up over that summer.
[00:11:22] But in those months of waiting, those months of subtle dread, subtle uncertainty, the hemming and hawing, the back and forth, the maybe we could work this out.
[00:11:34] It's that back and forth that kept me in this low level state of uncertainty, maybe even anxiety. And it became easy just to start reaching for a drink, especially if he was also drinking. But I spent those months not just fighting time and hoping and praying that things would change, but it was also me trying to not rock the boat. Don't make him angry, do whatever it takes to keep the peace.
[00:11:59] And underneath that, there became this slow level of acceptance that this man that I was married to didn't love me the way I wanted him to. He wasn't capable of change because he wasn't capable of True self reflection.
[00:12:13] And when I was really honest with myself about the type of marriage that I wanted to, there was this deep knowing that I would never create it with him.
[00:12:21] And that was a hard place to get to. But because of those several months, I was able to get there. I was able to build that conviction of, here's the future, here's the life that I want. This is ultimately the marriage that I want to have with somebody, and I cannot create it with my current husband. That's a very awkward time to get, especially as a Christian. I had already been divorced once who told herself, divorce is not an option. Divorce is off the table. Never can I ever.
[00:12:49] And he very much was of the same mind. Like he was miserable, but he never would have initiated a divorce because then he would have been the bad guy. He would have been the bad one going outside of God's will or God's covenant or. He very much moralized this decision and I think did a lot of his own mental gymnastics to make me the unbelieving spouse so that he didn't have to fight for it, he didn't have to change. He could just move on.
[00:13:15] And you know what, y'? All, I felt very misunderstood my entire marriage.
[00:13:20] What was a few more months of feeling misunderstood in the divorce? Right. If that's what it took. And those several months, even though there was some emotional drinking going on those few months leading up to the divorce and me initiating that, it allowed me to make peace with being the villain.
[00:13:36] I was willing to do that. I was willing to be the villain in his story.
[00:13:40] I wasn't trying to. I wasn't trying to hurt him. I never was.
[00:13:43] But I also had to recognize that I couldn't change how he thought, how he felt, how he saw me, the stories that he told himself about certain things. And I tried, I tried so hard for so many years to get him to believe my side of the story, to get him to see things from my perspective.
[00:14:02] And there came a point when I realized, I've got to drop the rope. I can't keep playing this tug of war.
[00:14:08] And so even though there was some emotional drinking leading up to the initiation of the divorce, what's really interesting is there was barely any over that summer when we were actually getting divorced.
[00:14:20] And I really allowed myself to grieve and to process all the big, heavy emotions, rejection being one of them, because I think there was a part of me that while I look back and I'm grateful, he didn't fight for the marriage very much, there was still A part of me that wanted him to fight for me, that wanted him to fight for us and for our family, that wanted him to really look at what could he change and was he willing to do anything?
[00:14:47] And he wasn't.
[00:14:48] And I had to learn how to not take that personally and not make that mean something bad about me.
[00:14:54] Because this issue that we get wrapped up in, around, well, is he gonna change? Can he change? Will he? There's this fear that you're gonna divorce or separate and he's gonna change now for somebody else. Like someone else is gonna get this good, best version of him. And if you had just hung in there a little bit longer, you could have had it too. I think that's the lie that we believe is like, if we could have just stuck it out, he would have changed for us and then we could be happy.
[00:15:22] But that never would have happened. I know. Regardless of whether he changes for anyone else in the future, number one, I don't think it's that possible. But number two, even if he does, right, even if he does, it was not possible for him to change with me.
[00:15:37] That was the place that I had to get to. And I had to look at years worth of evidence that I had over and over again from our first year of marriage.
[00:15:46] This was not a recent change of events or turn of heart. This was long standing, repetitive, over and over and over again. And what I started to recognize was not just the big incidents, the big blowups, the big fights. It was the subtle things that happened day to day, week by week.
[00:16:05] And that's when I realized things are not getting better and they never will for us because he doesn't see a problem with it. And so if he doesn't see it as a problem, he's not going to be invested in finding a solution.
[00:16:19] And it's why he had never been invested in finding a solution prior.
[00:16:23] He saw me as a problem. He saw my issues as a problem. He saw my low sex drive as a problem. He saw my stress levels as a problem. He saw my desires and my ambition as a problem. He saw my wanting and growing a business as a problem.
[00:16:39] But he did not see himself as one.
[00:16:42] And that's what I had to acknowledge and had to accept.
[00:16:45] Part of why I think this is all coming out now too, is it was a very interesting time of drinking for me, where it wasn't super excessive. Two drinks a night is not super excessive, but it was almost every night for two, maybe three months.
[00:17:00] And if I look at the criteria for what it takes to be a functioning alcoholic.
[00:17:07] Pretty sure it's seven drinks in a week, and I was doing more like 10 to 12 range. So I was definitely meeting that benchmark. And that was a little scary. But it also showed me that I want to be with somebody where I don't need to use alcohol as an escape. And so often, just like with food, we don't make alcohol the problem we have to look at. Why am I reaching for it?
[00:17:30] What is it doing for me?
[00:17:33] That's ultimately why we are emotionally eating or emotionally drinking. That's why one glass turns into three, is because you have permission giving thoughts for that first glass of wine. And then you have a permission giving thought, an excuse or a justification for why one turns into two, and then two turns into three. And usually by that point, when you get to drink number three or even number four, it's like, ah, screw it, I've already blown it. Who cares now the bottle's already open. Might as well just finish it off. It's not gonna taste as good tomorrow, right? We have all kinds of justifications for why we ought to just finish it off, why we should just drink more. Sometimes it's a subtle more is better. And this Americanized belief that I think we have of like, more is better, more is better.
[00:18:18] Instead of recognizing what is actually driving this pattern underneath it.
[00:18:23] What's fascinating for me is that the emotions got bigger, they got more intense, they lasted longer, they felt worse in my body, with my nervous system in that regard, they felt worse. And yet I drank less because I was very much aware of what was happening and what was going on, and I was already creating my escape because I no longer needed to escape my life.
[00:18:46] What I was really wanting was an escape from the marriage.
[00:18:49] And when I legally couldn't do that for state laws, I felt trapped. I felt helpless.
[00:18:57] And helpless is one of the core four wounds of narcissistic abuse. If you remember the series from last year, which, if you have not listened to it, that is a fantastic series. I highly recommend you go back and listen to those episodes. And feeling helpless is a very, very common one. But that was the solution, was recognizing, what about my life am I trying to escape?
[00:19:17] And now what if I allowed myself to actually do that, to actually leave that part of my life, to change that part of my life intentionally, on purpose, with conviction?
[00:19:29] So the question now I'm going to flip back to you.
[00:19:33] Where are you potentially escaping?
[00:19:36] What is the alcohol solving for you?
[00:19:38] Or what might it be solving for you? I think sometimes we can Get a little flustered and feeling like we have to find the thing, and the one thing it's got to be right, and we got to get it on the first try. Right? Like, our perfectionism can kind of come up here, but instead we just want to get curious and say, what might the wine be solving for me?
[00:19:56] You bring a lot of love and a lot of compassion and get really curious about it.
[00:20:00] What is this really doing for me?
[00:20:03] And of course, now I can look back and see how I created this little ritual where my day ended with wine. And I didn't realize how much I was really seeking a feeling of relief. I didn't realize how much of my life I was living simply waiting for the day to be over. I getting to the next day.
[00:20:19] So rather than thinking about, well, how do I stop drinking three glasses of wine? What if we asked a better question?
[00:20:25] What if instead we asked, why am I needing so much relief from my life?
[00:20:29] What parts of my life am I actually seeking to escape?
[00:20:33] And if we flip that, what would it look like to build a life that you don't constantly need an escape from?
[00:20:40] What if you finally got to build a life that actually felt like yours?
[00:20:44] Because that's exactly what I have done for myself, and it's the same process that I take clients through.
[00:20:51] I've been thinking a lot about what it means to create a life that actually feels like yours, where it's a life that you want, it's a life that lights you up, it's a life that gives you purpose and meaning and passion, and it feels fulfilling. It's not just something you're trying to survive. It's not just something you're trying to get by. It is a life worth living.
[00:21:10] And I'm constantly reminded of this when my birthday comes around, in part because when I was 25, I met a woman who had been through breast cancer treatment, and she was in remission, and she finally started saying yes to herself and yes to the things that she really wanted. So she was becoming a sommelier. She was doing this year. Long trip. Can't remember all the things that she was doing, but it was like she finally started living her life.
[00:21:37] And I wish I would have asked her a little bit more about her relationship and her divorce and some of those pieces, because I guarantee there was some toxic, dysfunctional stuff going on in there, just based off of what I know. But she gave me such a gift in that she shared how life is precious, how aging is precious. Aging is a gift.
[00:21:57] And on our birthdays, Rather than dread getting older and dread how we look and dread the loss of our youth, what if we instead saw it as a gift, as a beautiful gift that today we have breath in our lungs and that we have this chance to do something meaningful and purposeful with our lives.
[00:22:16] And so Saturday is my birthday and I'm turning 41. So it has me reflecting and really thinking about the last three years post divorce, because I just hit my three year divorceiversary, but also thinking about what do I want the next three years to look like?
[00:22:33] And then if I really get big, what do I want the next 30 years to look like?
[00:22:38] And when we start living with purpose and intentionality and that future vision, we end up creating it faster. And this was one of the things that I was really struck when I was going through my divorce. I actually worked with a divorce coach and I crafted my one year future vision and I didn't even have to be looking at it every day, but I ended up condensing that timeline and I created nearly all of it in six months.
[00:23:03] And I think that's really amazing. When we can take something and we have this vision, we don't have to stare at it, we don't actually have to keep our eye on the prize necessarily. We actually have to go out and create a life that we love, create a life that lights us up, create a life where we can advocate for ourselves, create a life where our yes is yes and we are allowed to say no without fear of repercussions.
[00:23:26] What would be different if instead of spending another year trying to become the woman everyone else wants you to be, you spent the next year becoming the woman you want to be.
[00:23:37] Don't let another year pass you by before you finally start choosing your own life.
[00:23:43] Because I am turning 41, I have a special birthday offer which is 8 months of private coaching for $4100.
[00:23:51] I'm opening up 5 private coaching spots at this birthday rate and the offer ends September 15th or when all five spots are claimed.
[00:23:59] And we will work together, September through April 30th of 2027. So eight months each month you get two private coaching calls and voxer access between calls where we can talk, troubleshoot coach, you can ask questions, you can process and it's eight months where you'll learn how to stop people pleasing, stop outsourcing your self authority and start creating a life that actually feels like your own.
[00:24:26] If you are curious and want to learn more, your next best step is to schedule a free consultation. You can Visit body you crave.com schedule to get on my calendar and let's talk and see if this 8 month offer is the right fit for you. I hope you all have a fabulous week. Here's to creating the life and body you crave.
[00:24:51] If this episode resonated with you, it's time to break free from destructive cycles around food, alcohol and toxic relationships. Your next step Book your free Break the Cycle call where you'll finally see why your binge eating and relationship patterns are so deeply connected and how to break free from both for good.
[00:25:11] You'll walk away with fierce clarity and a game plan to step into a life full of fun, adventure and self love. Grab your spot now at www.bodyyoucrave.com VTC.
[00:25:26] It's time to break the cycle. I'll show you how.
