Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott. Y' all ready? Let's go.
[00:00:24] Hey. Hey. Welcome back. All right, welcome to this episode and conversation around what it looks like to love others with boundaries or to love people at a distance. I've had conversations recently around the topic of unconditional love, and really especially as it relates to parents, whether it's biological or step parents, maybe adoptive. But as we kind of look at what's going on with our family of origins and the roles and the dynamics, the things that we learn, a lot of times we pick up these childhood patterns that repeat as adults. And that has been one of the things that I've noticed. And it's why I often ask when somebody tells me about their marriage or their former marriage to tell me a little bit about their childhood. Because typically I see a lot of these same patterns. I felt it myself. And having a stepdad who is very emotionally volatile, emotionally abusive, and just growing up and never liking him, and it was really interesting. I rarely felt like we were connected. And so I've had a really great relationship with my mom. But I know that there are still some people listening who don't have a great relationship with their mom, whose mom is very narcissistic or very passive aggressive or very difficult. I think for a lot of people, it's like they label it as difficult when really it's actually abusive. We just don't know how else to describe it.
[00:01:43] But Mother's Day, then, can be. It can be hard, and it can be hard when you've been with somebody or you grew up with somebody. You've had someone in your life who has essentially created this trauma for. For you and set you up to be less successful in romantic relationships and friendships with your career. For me, I look at it as if my stepdad wasn't in the picture or if my mom had married somebody else. I think about how could my life have been so much better and so much different?
[00:02:14] And there's some guilt that comes with saying that because it's not that things were always bad. And just like in our marriage, it's not that everything was always bad.
[00:02:24] That's what often makes it so hard to leave, is that there were good times. There were times when you felt loved and valued and felt like a team. You felt like you got along well. You cooperated, you could communicate, but something happened, something shifted. Whether it was this gradual shift or you got off track, and it was like you could never rewrite the ship. You could never get back on track. I got the opportunity to pray at the end of the church service yesterday, and I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to pray about, but I knew it was going to be on the topic of love. And there were a couple of different pieces that came up for me, me, because one is I have so much more love and compassion for single moms. Where I used to have a lot of judgment. My judgy pants were hiked all the way up. And becoming a single mom and going through that myself, I realized that I had this judgment of, they just chose poorly. They should have known better.
[00:03:16] And now on the flip side, I'm like, oh, now I get it. Now I understand love bombing and trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance and all of these psychological terms and aspects where it's, oh, they probably weren't always a douchebag. They were probably really sweet and loving and kind, and they made you the sun, moon, and stars for a time.
[00:03:38] It's like, that is just so indicative of this cycle and generational cycle of trauma and abuse that we can find ourselves in.
[00:03:47] And so that had crossed my mind of maybe I talk about that on Mother's Day, because this has been a very humbling and really empowering experience the last couple of years. I also have been thinking about boundaries, especially when it relates to parental figures and what do we want those lines to be? And what does it look like to love somebody and set them free to love somebody, but know that it needs to be at a distance. And that's very much how I felt about my divorce, was I'm going to love him enough to let him go, to set him free, to no longer keep trying to make him somebody he doesn't want to be, to really create the ultimate boundary, which is divorce, which is saying, you no longer have access to me in this way because you did not treat me well. You did not treat me right.
[00:04:32] And that's how I see boundaries with parents and parental figures. So whether it was a godparent or a stepparent or somebody who is in that parental role, we can still have strong boundaries. And it doesn't mean that we don't love them. We can love them and still not give them access to our lives. And that can also bring up a lot of guilt. It's come to the surface a little bit more the last Couple of weeks in particular. And so when I was praying in front of the church, I brought up this concept and I said, lord, help us to be a light to others. May we be a conduit to show your love for other people.
[00:05:11] And may we also have wisdom and discernment to know when we need to love at a distance and we need to love with boundaries, and we need to create the space for what that looks like and holding space for all of the people here who might have a stretched or dysfunctional or challenging relationship with a mom. It is hard to reconcile that level of abuse and trauma and just all that we have been through with somebody who we thought was supposed to love us, who gave us life. And I know that can be really difficult. That's something that is more for me on the father side, not so much the mother. I have a lot more father wounds, I would say, but they are still just as painful, they are still just as challenging, and they mirror one another. A lot of times. They're very similar. When I look at my clients who have more of that mother wound, they very much have similar dynamics and similar patterns, coping skills, coping mechanisms that I have with a father wound. It's something that we just want to be aware of and to create more peace and ease with it. And I think, for me, what I notice is it's a physical sensation. Like, it is my nervous system responding. I will feel dysregulated in my body because of the guilt or because I feel like I'm doing something bad or something wrong or I shouldn't be doing this. It's something like that. I feel it in my nervous system the loudest, the biggest. That's how I know something's off from there. I can typically pinpoint then what's the emotion, what's the thought? But it is that physical sensation in my body of the tightness in my chest and my stomach, the churning, that very dysregulated feeling. And, ugh, it feels terrible. I don't feel calm. I don't feel relaxed. My heart may not be racing, but it doesn't feel steady. It takes a lot of effort to breathe and just breathe through it. And I also know this is also healthy. This is normal. And these sensations and trying to get out of them is often what has happened allowed me to keep dysfunctional people in my life, was my unwillingness to feel it. And the more that I allow it to come up, the more that I allow myself to process and to feel it, the better I am, the healthier I AM because this is not just about physical health. This podcast from the very beginning was not just about creating the body you crave. It's about creating the life and the body you crave. Because the body ain't gonna mean shit if you don't have a life that you also love. And this is where it doesn't come down to just the body. Because a smaller body doesn't fix a broken self concept. A smaller body doesn't create healthy relationship dynamics with other people.
[00:07:49] A smaller body doesn't get you out of trauma bonds and emotional abuse.
[00:07:54] A smaller body does not heal your trauma.
[00:07:57] It is not a bad thing to be working towards weight loss. And it is not a bad thing if you want to use GLP1s as a tool to help support you on weight loss journey. But let's not pretend that life is just going to get magically better because we've lost weight. Haters gonna hate.
[00:08:12] Baker's gonna bake.
[00:08:15] And while it's easy enough just to think that we can shake it off, and some things we can. Sometimes we can. Sometimes things hit hard, sometimes things are deep. Sometimes we have these deep wounds and we have these deep patterns in ourselves that are designed to keep us safe, designed to keep us alive. And those can come out even more around holidays like Mother's Day or Father's Day. What's important here is still to look at what is happening and what are the patterns that we learned. Because a lot of times this is what also brings these father and mother wounds together. It's not just the repercussions and how we keep ourselves safe. It's the maladaptive coping mechanisms that we've learned along the way.
[00:08:59] For example, learning to distrust your own perceptions. You no longer trust yourself. You don't trust your intuition, you don't trust those little gut feelings, right? It's like something feels off, but you're told that everyone's fine, or something feels off, but nobody else seems to be acting that way. Everybody else is either ignoring it or they seem to be fine. It's not bothering them, but something's wrong. And it's this being dismissed, overridden, corrected. And this is where often it can start from an outside perspective in the beginning, and then it becomes self driven, where now we dismiss, we override, we minimize, and we can come up with this logical explanation of, oh well, I must be overreacting, I must be making too big of a deal out of this. I must be misinterpreting it, I must have misremembered it's. Like we have all of these excuses and justifications, and a lot of it is, I must be overreacting. And we override those gut intuitions.
[00:10:00] Another common pattern, though, is minimizing and justifying poor behavior, explaining away things that didn't feel good. Ultimately, we're trying to make somebody else's behavior make sense so that we could tolerate it.
[00:10:12] So this is where it's like, oh, she was just stressed. She had a really hard childhood. She just has these health conditions.
[00:10:20] He just fill in the blank. We minimize, we justify, we excuse. It's no wonder we do that with our excuses and justifications to eat and to turn to food.
[00:10:32] But we do this so much with abuse, and it's how we make sense of it, Especially when it's a parental figure or a significant other, somebody who is supposed to love us at our core is now being abusive.
[00:10:45] That is really tough for us to reconcile. And so we have to downplay it because it keeps us safe. I could see it very easily with my ex of, like, I had to downplay the abuse and the demeaning and cruel words that he would say, the passive aggressiveness, the silent treatment, acting as if I am not there, like, physically cutting me out. There were so many aspects and so many times when that would happen, and I had to just justify it. I had to excuse it. I had to find a way to override it, because there were so many reasons why I felt like I couldn't leave. Part of it was I didn't want to get divorced again for the second time. So I told myself divorce was not an option. But part of it was also, so much of my worthiness was wrapped up in him choosing me. It was, I'm special because I'm chosen, and because he chose me. Now I'm special. And if he stops choosing me or if I were to walk away, it was like I lose part of this worthiness.
[00:11:40] I know it sounds extreme, but I think that was a big pattern underneath it. And so I had to minimize. I had to justify and excuse it because I so desperately wanted to believe that he really loved me. And I think this comes up with parents, too. It's like we so desperately want to believe that one of our parents, who may be abusive or at the very least neglectful, that they really love us, they really care about us. And it's so hard to reconcile why they say the things they say, why they do the things they do.
[00:12:09] And so we say things like, well, he was just really stressed. It's not that bad. She didn't mean it like that. There are more good times than bad times. So it's okay. It's not always like this. It's not always bad.
[00:12:22] I would say that a lot.
[00:12:24] And I said that in my marriage a lot because I learned it as a kid. I learned it in childhood. It's not that I overlooked red flags in my marriage. It was one I. I didn't even see them as red. Hell, they were like non existent. I didn't even notice them because it just felt normal. It was as normal as breathing. It's just what you do. It's just what happens. But I would shut down just like I did as a kid. The other piece that is often very common is taking responsibility for other people's emotions. Feeling like it's your job to keep the peace. It's. I'm responsible for their negative emotions. And so now I'm also responsible for fixing them.
[00:13:02] They feel a certain way. It's now my fault. It's my fault. I gotta fix it. If they're upset I did something wrong.
[00:13:09] So we're walking on eggshells. Often we're avoiding conflict because we're trying to avoid their response or their reaction.
[00:13:17] So it's like, don't wake the beast, don't poke the bear, just tiptoe around it. And it's fascinating because my ex said this about me, which I found very confusing.
[00:13:27] He said that he had to walk on eggshells around me because I asked him to choose his words carefully. I asked him not to just say whatever he thought in the moment and to just be mindful about what he said and how. And that meant he had to walk on eggshells. And that was really hard and really frustrating. When you're trying to communicate something with somebody and say, I feel this way. And they're like, I feel this way about you. You're making me be responsible for my emotions. You're making me be responsible or to think compassionately or with empathy about my words. How dare you. Now I'm walking on eggshells. Now we're at an impasse, right? And it's basically minimizing how you're feeling and saying that they don't have to listen to it because they're now claiming you do the same thing. It is just this toxic, dysfunctional soup. It is so confusing. What a mind fuck. Totally. There's just no other way to say it. But then there's also the blame shifting that plays into that. Whether it's subtle and more covert or whether it's overt emotional manipulation. There is often a level of blame shifting. Then we internalize it and we take that on. That must be my fault, that must be why it's me. We over apologize. We have so much self doubt. We tend to people please and appease and try to make things better for others. We're always prioritizing somebody else's preferences or desires or needs above our own. When it's a parent, when it's with a mom, it's so hard to be in this position and to be in this dynamic. And ultimately what we're doing here is we confuse familiarity with safety. So it's because it feels familiar, it feels safe. And that's often, I think, what gets us caught and staying there. But I think a lot of it is we feel guilty if we try to enforce boundaries, we feel guilty if we start to walk away or if we want to create that boundary. We feel like we can't leave. And as a kid we couldn't.
[00:15:17] When you're 7, 8, 9 years old as a little kid, you could not leave, you could not escape.
[00:15:24] Your system had to adapt and it had to adapt by staying and learning coping and survival skills. It learned to survive in that dysfunctional system because there was literally no other way.
[00:15:37] And that can lead to long term dysfunctional adult relationships.
[00:15:42] And it's so fascinating too because even as adults, it can still feel really hard to leave, really hard to opt out of that dynamic, really hard to say I don't want a relationship with you and to walk away completely.
[00:15:54] While this can come up with our own lives, with our own mothers, you might also be listening and experiencing this with your kids. And maybe your kids have shown some dysfunctional traits.
[00:16:06] Maybe your kids have accused you of being abusive or the narcissistic one, or who have cut you off.
[00:16:13] My son is so young right now. I think this comes up more when you have adult kids. When you have kids who are teenagers into their 20s, maybe 30s, that's when we can feel this a little bit more coming from kids and feeling maybe you get lumped in with your ex and because your ex did some bad things, that gets projected onto you. And now you are also part of the problem.
[00:16:34] But there still can be this dysfunction of we feel like we can't leave a pattern even when it's with your own mom or dad. And so you stay, you stay in that cycle. And sometimes we stay because we want access to the other parent or we want to make things easier on them. But sometimes we stay because we feel Guilty leaving. We feel guilty holding or enforcing a boundary. We feel like a bad person, a bad child, a bad Christian. Because I should just be able to forgive and forget. I should just be able to put it in the past. But it's okay. It's okay if you don't want a relationship with them. It's okay to say, I can't have a relationship with you right now and have that be towards a mom or a dad or another parental figure. It's okay if you have that towards an adult child. Because as much as I think about loving my son and loving him unconditionally, there is unconditional love for him. And there will still be boundaries if needed. There will still be lines that he is not allowed to cross when he's little and he says, I hate you. I say, no, no, no. We do not say that. Number one, that's not true. Number two, we don't say that to Mom. Number three, I will always love you no matter what. There's a certain protocol that I will have. And usually it's a sign he wants attention.
[00:17:49] But if that happens when he's an adult and he's like, I hate you so much, if he says that with the fire of a thousand suns, and I can tell that is real passion and real hatred. We're gonna cut this right here, and it's gonna feel painful as all get out, I guarantee it. But this is where we look at how loving somebody sometimes at a distance is what's best, and it's what's needed. And it may not feel like it's what's best for you, but maybe it is.
[00:18:16] This is where I just wanna plant that seed of maybe this is the best option. Just like it might be with a parental figure. Maybe loving them from afar, loving them with some distance is actually what's best.
[00:18:28] What was really cool to hear is that after the service, I had a couple people come up to me and they thanked me for the prayer that I prayed and how I brought in boundaries and just how meaningful and impactful that was because of a situation going on in their life.
[00:18:43] And then the pastor had messaged me and another woman afterwards. And he also mentioned that there were other people who came up to him. He was like, I don't think you know this, but there are some people in the church who are going through a difficult time in this concept around loving somebody with boundaries. And what do you do and how do you handle it? This has been going on behind the scenes, and unbeknownst to me, I Didn't know this. I just knew that this was on my mind, this was on my heart.
[00:19:10] And especially in church, we get hit with this. You should love others all the time. You should love others above yourself. You love others at all costs. You love others unconditionally.
[00:19:20] I think that a lot of it is bullshit. I think loving others is important. Yes. But there are some people where we have to love them with boundaries and we have to have lines and we have to say, you do not get access to me in this way anymore. If you can't treat me well, if you do not speak nicely to me, this is your gentle reminder and also the acknowledgement that you're not alone in this. There are a lot of women, a lot of men struggling with issues and situations and dynamics just like this.
[00:19:47] And if this is, you know that you're not alone. And this is why I believe so much in coaching. It's why it will always be a part of what I do. Regardless of weight or physiology or metabolic health or as I'm Talking more about GLP1s, this is still an important piece that we have to dive into, that we have to explore, that we have to heal. That's what it's all about, is creating better mental, physical and emotional health.
[00:20:14] So if you'd like some help with that, I would love to chat and share more about my process, how I help people and what that looks like and what that would look like for you. The next best step is to schedule a free consultation where we'll talk more about just a brief history of where you've been, where your goals are, what you would like to achieve, like this time next year.
[00:20:34] And I'll walk you through what I see as being the critical pieces. So I have a three pillared process that I walk people through and usually we all need support in all three areas, but that's gonna look different. It's very nuanced. It depends on the individual. There is no one size fits all. That's the beauty of coaching, is you can take it and we can take this framework and now apply it to you. And what does that look like? What stands out for you? Where do you need extra help and support? And if that's something that you would like to explore, I would love to be a part of that journey with you.
[00:21:06] So I hope that you had a wonderful weekend, no matter how you were celebrating.
[00:21:11] And maybe this was also a weekend of grief. It could have been a weekend of grieving and heartache. Give yourself the love and the compassion to have those times and to know that the more that you allow it and you process through that emotion, the easier it gets to deal with it. The more you fight it and resist it, the harder it becomes. The bigger it becomes, the more it comes up, the harder it feels like you can't shake it.
[00:21:36] And that's where we have to feel. And sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to feel angry. Like, I really think for women, suppressed anger is at the root of a lot of our physiological issues. Our physical body is being deteriorated by suppressed anger. I definitely believe that is a key component here. And so maybe you just need time to be angry.
[00:22:00] But when you allow all of the emotions to flow through, to process them, now you can take a breath and decide, how do you want to move forward?
[00:22:08] What do you want this dynamic to look like?
[00:22:11] Because you have power, you have control. You are not helpless anymore. It just might feel uncomfortable, it might feel terrible in your body to set a boundary or to enforce one. But this is our work. This is how we grow and this is how we build that emotional resilience.
[00:22:29] So know that I'm thinking about you all. I'm praying for you this week and I hope that you have a wonderful week ahead. All right, y', all, here's to creating the life and body you crave.
[00:22:45] If this episode resonated with you, it's time to break free from destructive cycles around food, alcohol and toxic relationships. Your next step, book your free break the cycle call where you'll finally see why your binge eating and relationship patterns are so deeply connected and how to break free from both for good.
[00:23:05] You'll walk away with fierce clarity and a game plan to step into a life full of fun, adventure and self love. Grab your spot now at www.bodyyoucrave.com BTC.
[00:23:20] It's time to break the cycle. I'll show you.
