[00:00:02] Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott. Y' all ready? Let's go.
[00:00:24] Hey. Hey. Welcome back. All right, so we are going to, once again talk about emotions. And I am going to be using the feelings wheel and the Emotional eating Guide, this tool here. So if you have not downloaded it yet, grab it. It's in the description. Make sure you get it. But it is there, and I want to walk you through how I'm using it this weekend and this week to process through various emotions.
[00:00:47] So it's been an interesting week. There's been a lot of ups and downs, a lot of things, just like in life in general. But I had started dating somebody in June and July, and we broke up. And he's great. He's wonderful. We had a wonderful time together. And also there was this kind of nagging feeling of like, he's not the one.
[00:01:07] And I could sense it the last two weeks. And I think he's been feeling it, too. And I think he gets that feeling about me of, she's wonderful, but she's not the one. The energy's not there to take it to the next step. And so he messaged me the other day and brought this up, and he was like, I'm not trying to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you, but this is how I'm feeling. And I really respect and admire him for his willingness to initiate this conversation because it's been on my mind and something that I also felt like I needed to initiate. And so even though it's mutual, there is this feeling of rejection and abandonment. And this is really important just to notice the physical sensations that come up. And I was hoping to do it in person, but he did it over text, and that was fine. He was very polite and respectful and very kind. We've had very easy text communications. And I think this really also goes to show the quality of his character. And as I was telling another friend, I was like, he's really helped to restore my faith in men, if I'm being completely honest. There have been a lot of wins out of this situation. Even though he's not maybe my end person, he has shown me more of what I want and given me more hope in men as a whole.
[00:02:21] So a lot of perks, a lot of positives here. But I noticed the other day when I got his text. The physical sensations, like my chest tightened, my heart rate was beating quicker, my stomach was like in knots and churning.
[00:02:35] And as I was reading it, it was like, it didn't really come as a surprise, I was feeling it too, but it was just this sense of, oh gosh, we're doing this now, okay?
[00:02:46] And just noticing what was coming up for me and the way that I had characterized that emotion and that sensation in the past would be anxiety.
[00:02:54] I've always just associated it and with relationships, associating those physical sensations with anxiety and kind of fear around that person, fear that things weren't going to work out. And I think ultimately what I've just put together was it was fear that they were going to leave. It was anxiety that they were pulling back, they weren't going to be there anymore, and at least not in the capacity that they had been in my life.
[00:03:19] And so what I was actually feeling was abandonment. And noticing while anxiety feels similar in my body, there was a slight difference when it comes to relationships around it triggering this rejection and abandonment.
[00:03:34] And it's, it was just, it was a larger, more all encompassing sensation in my stomach, in my chest, with my heart. It was like, it was a lot. It felt different than when I was just anxious about like divorce proceedings or anxious about getting my own apartment, paying all my own bills for the first time in my life ever really.
[00:03:54] And so it's. It felt a little bit different.
[00:03:57] And what's also really interesting to see is that's how it felt in other relationships. And it was like these physical sensations in the past were so bad that it either kept me in the relationship, I would fight for a relationship that I really didn't want or want to be in or feel like was the right fit for me. I would either stay or it was very easy to then buffer and to turn to food, to turn to alcohol, or more likely, to turn to the arms of another man. And it was really easy to just jump into a new relationship, just turn to somebody new. There was an episode probably a month or two ago around why does this keep happening to me? And it came up and out of a conversation with my sister around relationships and these dynamics and how often we can get out of relationships and we have a thought and sometimes even a hope, a desire of, oh, yeah, I'm gonna stay single for a little bit. I'm not gonna date for a couple months, or maybe it's even just a couple weeks, I'm gonna be single for a while. And maybe you don't Put a timeline on it. But what initially starts out as a couple weeks or a couple months dwindles down to a couple days because we are so used to somebody else, another human meeting our emotional needs for us.
[00:05:09] And so what was really fascinating was to see how these emotions and these sensations came back up. As I was day and we were exchanging some stuff. I had some of his stuff to give back, he had some of mine and we met up to exchange things and he was going somewhere after that and he was looking really nice. I don't know if this is a work thing, but my brain was also like, is he going on a date? Who's he going on a date with? Where's he going? It was so weird because once again my heart was racing and even as I was going to meet him, I noticed my heart was racing here. My stomach was in knots. Like there was still this sensation that was coming up after he left. Just noticing and like sitting there in the car and I turned down the radio and I just sat there because I was like, I just need to sit still and to be with what is happening in my body. Because it wasn't just the physical aspects, it was also what was happening in my brain. It was the thoughts about are you missing out? Are you rejecting now and turning away this guy that you should be fighting for? Are you turning away maybe the only good guy left in all of your town? Do you really think you are gonna find somebody who is going to meet the bar that he has met in terms of the emot emotional intelligence and emotional quality of this person? There's a lot of doubt and a lot of fear and are you sure this is the right thing? There was just a lot. And what I recognized though was as I sat there and I noticed the churning in my stomach and my heart racing and the tightness in my chest and I was like, oh, this is abandonment. This isn't just anxiety about anything. This is actually the abandonment that I felt. And this is what I felt in breakups. This is what I felt and why I didn't want to get divorced. And for a long time like divorce was not an option and why it would be like, oh no, I need to cling to him and keep him with me, keep him in the marriage at all costs. So it was like, who do I need to be to make sure he stays? And then even in dating relationships since then and I can go back to even college where just feeling these emotions and having this kind of back and forth swing of oh, he's not the one for me, oh, he's the love of my life. Oh, he's not like these kind of big extremes.
[00:07:13] Part of this is also knowing I have my own back, it is safe to not be dating somebody. I know how to meet my emotional needs. And this is also still new for me. This is a new process. This is something that I really have just been doing for the last year of really identifying where men in particular have been meeting emotional needs, where they have made me feel special and chosen and wanted and desired, and they've met this wound and this abandonment wound that really stems from childhood. What's normal that I have spent my entire life avoiding this? It's normal. I have tried to outrun and overthink all kinds of relationships. Questioning and debating, should I stay, should I leave, what do I do? And ultimately not wanting to stay, even if it wasn't the right fit, and just noticing, oh, this, this is what's happening, this is what it feels like. And when that abandonment wound gets poked, because it's almost like a bruise where you poke it and it still hurts, there's still that, like, recoil. My body still flinches, I still pull back, right? There's still that visceral response that comes immediately.
[00:08:24] That is not a problem.
[00:08:26] And one of the things that we have to remember going through divorce or post divorce is that the goal is not to be happy all the time.
[00:08:35] The goal is not necessarily to just be feeling good.
[00:08:39] That is not the point of this. Our post divorce life is not just about trying to feel good.
[00:08:45] The point is to learn how to allow all of our emotions and to notice what's coming up and when.
[00:08:53] I don't know if this would feel differently if I was the one initiating it, if I came to a place of peace and reckoning of, okay, we're gonna have this conversation and we're gonna do it now. I guarantee I still would have felt some of this. I wonder if I would have felt all of it. But what a gift this is. Like, what a gift it was to have him message me first, to have him trigger this and to trigger this response, because it allows me to learn more about myself and it allows me to really practice allowing the emotion, allowing the sensations in my body, learning from them, putting the pieces of this all together. Because that's the other thing is, like, now I'm starting to recognize what abandonment feels like in my body.
[00:09:36] What I used to think was just anxiety, I now see as it is abandonment. It is rejection at a very core level. And now I get it. Like, what a gift this has been.
[00:09:48] And I can hold space for all of it and not need to numb it out, not need to distract myself, not need to jump into a new relationship, but really just be there for myself.
[00:09:59] And part of healing this abandonment wound. Because if you go back to the episodes from early June, I forget. I think it was like the one forties. One of them in particular was around abandonment, how that is one of the core wounds of narcissistic abuse. So it is very normal that I would feel this because not only did I feel abandoned at times and with that wound get poked in my marriage, but it really was initiated and started and then triggered in my childhood and then all throughout my time growing up. And so this is a very deep wound for me. And that's okay. Like, I can love myself through this. And I'm learning now what it looks like to heal that on the back end and how to have so much love and so much compassion for myself and better understand and identify with, like, what does it look like to have my own back? What does it look like to meet my emotional needs? What does that mean? Like, in practicality, with the actions that I'm taking, What does that mean and look like with how I'm thinking and talking to myself? What does that look like with the physical vibrations in my body, those emotional sensations that I'm experiencing?
[00:11:09] And so while I wouldn't have written the story this way a couple days ago, I also see how this is all unfolding exactly as it should.
[00:11:19] And so this feelings wheel is so helpful because it starts to open up our mind and show us more of what are we feeling. Because it's not just sad. Yes, there's some sadness, but there's more there. There's more to it. There's this, like, vulnerability piece, I think that's there. I think it's triggering a little bit of loneliness and it's triggering some of these other aspects, these other pieces.
[00:11:42] And this all makes up how I handle relationships, how I'm gonna handle dating, how I'm gonna handle breakups in the future, how I wanna around dating and who I'm going on dates with. This is what the wheel is there for. To help you to pause and identify what you're feeling and then give yourself permission to feel it.
[00:12:02] And this is where I sit down, I close my eyes, I put my hand on my heart, and I just start breathing.
[00:12:09] Deep breath in and then a deep breath out.
[00:12:13] And just find that rhythmic pace, in and out. And I notice what is happening in my body and I let it be there.
[00:12:25] I'm not in a rush to hurry up and make it go away.
[00:12:28] In fact, I took it with me to the grocery store.
[00:12:31] There are going to be times when we're going to need to take this emotion with us as we go about our day. I can still be friendly, I can still smile. I don't have to fake anything. I don't have to fake anything, extra excitement or anything like that. I also don't have to be down and in this like deep despair depression.
[00:12:50] I can just let it come with me. Along for the ride though.
[00:12:53] That's what this is all about. It's noticing where we experiencing things, what it feels like and just creating the safety of. I can feel this. This is not a problem.
[00:13:04] Nothing has gone wrong. In fact if anything, everything has gone so right with this. Because I've had this breakthrough and really understanding why I end up in relationships longer than I really need to be or longer than I ought to be.
[00:13:19] And how I can be able to break free from any future relationship that is not the right fit. And noticing that what emotionally is going to get triggered. Noticing those physical sensations and also being really aware if I'm ever wanting to jump into a new relationship. Because in the past I think I was starting to tell this story and then got sidetracked. But in the past there would be either like guys in the wings, people who were nearby that I could like easily start a relationship with, or it would be maybe a couple of weeks, maybe like a week or two. And then there was somebody new. I don't even think it was more than like a month. And then I had a new boyfriend. And it was almost like they were just here. They just appeared. I don't know, I can't control it. It's a God thing. And so when really sometimes there are other aspects at play. And yes, God 100% orchestrates the meeting of two people. I do believe that. And I also know that sometimes people are there to be our lessons. They are there to be that karmic lesson.
[00:14:24] But there are also going to be people who are there to be that right fit.
[00:14:29] And this is all part of learning. It's part of the journey. And this is how I'm also building my self trust. Knowing that I create my emotional safety. I create the physical safety in my body to feel what I am feeling and trusting that nothing has gone wrong.
[00:14:44] I don't need to hurry up and get out of this.
[00:14:47] Everything is here and I can hold space for it and it can Be here as long as it needs to.
[00:14:53] Today, the next couple of days, this next week, maybe the rest of the month, however long it needs.
[00:15:00] I can just sit there and be there with it and all of the uncertainty and maybe fear. Because usually it is a chemical cocktail that we are experiencing.
[00:15:10] And as we get better and better at holding space for negative emotions, we no longer need to eat over them, we don't need to drink over them, we don't need to turn to a dating app over them. Right. We don't need to turn to these other things, other people, to meet our needs.
[00:15:26] And as we learn to hold space and expand our capacity for negative emotions, this starts to allow us to expand and create space for positive emotions. And this is often something that we don't think about, but is also really essential is that in narcissistic relationships we are used to this idea of good things don't last, success is not safe. When is the other shoe gonna drop?
[00:15:50] While we can skew to that toxic positivity, our brains can also skew towards this constant toxic negativity. Where sometimes our brains are just so wired to go to worst case scenarios or good things happen and then you doubt them, you don't trust them.
[00:16:06] It would be like getting good news of, you know, your best friend's coming to visit.
[00:16:10] And then you're like, but I don't believe it until she's actually here. She might not, she might miss her flight, she might not get on the plane, she could get sick. You're like constantly doubting good things coming to fruition.
[00:16:20] And that is a normal way that your brain has kept you safe. Because in these dynamics, there was love bombing, there was intense positive emotion that felt so good and so amazing, but then it was taken away, it was withdrawn. And sometimes there was criticism, sometimes there were a lot of negative harsh words. Sometimes it was like an emotional withdrawal. Sometimes it was their presence that was withdrawn. And you were given the silent treatment. There were all kinds of ways in which that love and that in that intensity as well, it didn't stay there. And it swung just as intense as the positive was. It swung to this really intense negative emotion. And then we now it's like our shame gets triggered. And so now we are working hard to get back to that love bombing stage. We're working to get back to when it's good. But because we've been through this cycle and this pattern over and over again, and often with multiple people and multiple relationships, so many dynamics, we don't trust the good.
[00:17:19] It's not safe to feel good.
[00:17:22] It's not safe to be successful.
[00:17:25] It's not safe to feel like you're winning, things are going your way. Even when things are good, there's still this waiting for the other shoe to drop.
[00:17:33] And sometimes your success, you feeling good, you feeling positive, Threatened the narcissist.
[00:17:39] It threatened them, it threatened their potential positive, their potential success, or if they were super negative and they just wanted to live in a bubble of negativity. And so anytime you felt good, that was a problem. They need to bring you down.
[00:17:53] You're not allowed, you can't feel good, you're not allowed to feel that way.
[00:17:57] We learn that we can only experience a low level little bit of success.
[00:18:02] And there's a lot of questions around, can I keep this up? Can I sustain this? Can it really be this good? Can it really be this easy? And this is often what we would call self sabotage. That's what comes in, is when it's like it's not safe to hold onto the success. And we experience that in weight loss. And so this is why you might find you've lost 10, 15, maybe even £20. But then you fall out of habits or you start binging again or emotionally eating, or you're not doing the things anymore. And this is all a protective mechanism.
[00:18:35] So again, self sabotage is just self protection. I want you to always be thinking about that of like your brain is trying to keep you safe. There is something about your weight loss that doesn't seem most likely sustainable and therefore it doesn't feel safe.
[00:18:51] And so even if it is, even if you are doing things differently, like in a new way and losing weight, it's still because in the past you weren't able to keep the weight off. It's normal that even now it might not feel sustainable.
[00:19:04] That is a normal part of this. And this is why we are rewiring your brain. This is why I work with people for six to 12 months. It's why we spend so much time focusing on the thoughts and the emotions and the capacity that you have to experience good, not just negative. Yes, we often need to expand our capacity for that too, but we also need to expand the capacity to feel good in losing weight and really uncover all of the negative thoughts around. I can't keep it up, I can't sustain it.
[00:19:35] And a lot of times these are just default thoughts. They're not even true. Like when you actually stop and question them. I actually did this with a client this week. We stopped and I was like, so what is not sustainable about this. What doesn't feel like it could continue or it can keep going. She didn't really have an answer. It was more of, I don't know. I just. I'm afraid that it won't last. I'm afraid that it's not sustainable. I'm afraid I'm going to regain the weight. Because that's been the pattern, that's been the habit for so long.
[00:20:02] It's normal that this is coming back up because your brain is trying to protect you, and because of the narcissistic abuse, your brain is trying really hard, even harder, to protect you. And especially around something like your body and weight, where maybe some of your worth and value was held before, maybe it was a point of criticism from the narcissist in your life. But we have to create a sense of peace and contentment and safety and creating success in losing the weight and trusting yourself around food, trusting yourself to navigate holidays and parties and special occasions and all of these aspects.
[00:20:42] This is what it's all about.
[00:20:44] We started out talking about relationships and looking at things from this relationship dynamic, but it plays so directly into weight loss as well. And these are often two pieces that most people aren't connecting. Most relationship coaches or therapists are not also talking about food, body weight loss, and vice versa. People who talk about food, body weight loss, maybe even emotional eating, typically are not talking about relationships and definitely not talking about the toxic, dysfunctional relationships that you find yourself in.
[00:21:14] And this is my specialty. This is my zone of genius. This is where I want to help you. Not just survive, not just get by, not just make it, but I want to help you create a life that is so good, it blows your mind. It's so good you don't need an escape from it. And part of that then, is holding space for all of the emotions, all of those core wounds that get triggered, as well as holding space for success and belief in yourself and belief that you can keep going and you can keep doing and more is possible.
[00:21:49] It's going to feel a little scary. And I would say that is often a sign that you're on the right track. And what most clients say when they come to work with me, it's like they're so excited. And there's also a bit of fear. It's like, I'm excited and I'm also terrified. Both together, it can be yes. And.
[00:22:05] And that shows me, that tells me that you are on your growth edge, you are ready for this.
[00:22:11] What you want wants you back. I promise what's for you can't miss you. Everything is happening in just the right time to teach you the exact right lesson you need in the moment.
[00:22:24] And getting what you want doesn't always feel good.
[00:22:28] I am getting everything I want today. I am getting more than I could have ever expected, more than I wanted. I'm learning so much from this experience and it feels freaking terrible in my body. Like, it just feels awful in my body.
[00:22:43] And that's okay because that awfulness, that terrible feeling, that like gut wrenching, pukey feeling literally is only lasting a couple of minutes. And then as I allow it to be here and I'm not fighting it, I'm not trying to push it out or make it move, make it end.
[00:23:01] I'm just allowing it to be here as long as it needs to, it starts to die down.
[00:23:05] How I noticed I was feeling even an hour ago has shifted that pukey, uncomfortable. Oh my gosh, this feels so freaking terrible right now.
[00:23:17] Just holding space for.
[00:23:19] Didn't even last more but a couple minutes.
[00:23:22] I was telling my mom as well. I have come a long way from the first breakup after the divorce where I was literally crying on the bathroom floor.
[00:23:32] I'm not even joking. Caleb was in the bathroom and he was upset and crying about something and I just dropped to my knees to give him a hug and I was like, I know, baby, life is just so hard sometimes. I wasn't mocking him, I wasn't trying to make him feel any certain way. There was so much empathy. I was so there in the moment with him of, this is fricking hard right now. I feel you, baby. And just gave him a big hug and we both sat there on the floor crying. Okay, I dated this guy for three months, right? The first guy after the divorce because it, it triggered that abandonment, it triggered that fear of the future, and it triggered grief and this loss and different aspects from the divorce that I hadn't fully processed because I was so quick to start dating.
[00:24:19] I started dating the weekend before I moved out. I was so quick to start dating again until get on an app. And I was just like, could somebody please just tell me I'm pretty and maybe buy me dinner? That would be lovely. Could we just do that? That's all I need. Like, the bar was so low.
[00:24:34] And slowly, little by little, people have been helping me to raise that bar to where I now have a healthy standard, to where I now have fairly high standards, I would say. And I'm not going to lower them. I'm going to trust my Intuition. I'm going to trust those gut feelings. I'm going to trust those little inklings.
[00:24:53] And that takes time to build. It takes practice to build. It takes experience to build.
[00:24:59] I wrote down a quote that I have been meaning to use in a podcast and I keep forgetting to bring it up and to address it. And I don't remember exactly where it comes from, but the quote is, good judgment comes from experience.
[00:25:11] Experience comes from making mistakes.
[00:25:15] I'm going to let that sit right here for just a moment.
[00:25:18] Good judgment comes from experience. This is how we learn.
[00:25:23] Experience comes from making mistakes. We could take these words and we can adjust them. Listening to your intuition comes from experience.
[00:25:31] Trusting yourself comes from experience.
[00:25:34] And this experience in both those cases come from making mistakes. It's the willingness to look at it, the willingness to evaluate, the willingness to grow, the willingness to evolve, the willingness to try just one little thing new, just one little thing different.
[00:25:49] It's all happening for you all in the right time. Even when we can't see it, even when it doesn't make sense, this is all happening for you.
[00:25:58] And if you have experienced narcissistic abuse, one of my biggest recommendations now is to identify what abandonment feels like in your body. What do those sensations feel like? That is so key. If we can start to feel and recognize this is what it feels like.
[00:26:15] This is the abandonment wound that is getting poked and pushed on right now. It's normal for there to be this natural response. It's normal that my body is responding in this way.
[00:26:26] Nothing has gone wrong. And I hold space for me. I hold so much love and so much compassion. And I remind myself that I'm here, that I've got this. I talk to the little Jilly Bean inside and I remind her, little five, six, seven year old little Jilly Bean.
[00:26:43] I tell her, Big Jillian's got this now. We are about to do some epic shit, girl. Come with me. Come along. Mama's got this right. You just start talking to her. You talk to those inner parts, those younger parts, and you remind them, yes, it's okay to feel this way.
[00:27:00] This is normal. And I've got this. Now Big U is in charge. It's no longer Minnie. You running the ship. Thank her for her patience. Thank her for what she has done for you. Thank her for keeping you safe.
[00:27:15] You can see her. You can validate her. You can love on her. Give her a hug.
[00:27:21] And now she doesn't have to try to drive the car. She can now sit in the backseat and relax and listen to the music and you've got this.
[00:27:30] If you don't have the feelings wheel yet, make sure you download it because I think this is such a crucial and important piece of the puzzle here and it walks you through specific questions that you can ask yourself. And this works whether it's food or it's a person, whether it's a relationship or it's something else, other things that are triggering you. This is not just about food. This is turning to anything as a coping mechanism. And this is about any aspect in any piece of life.
[00:27:58] If you would like some help in navigating your weight loss journey, emotional eating, healing from narcissistic and toxic relationships, learning how to date better, learning how to have your own back and trust yourself more, I've got you.
[00:28:12] I would love to help you really create on purpose this life by design. A life that you design intentionally. A life so good it blows your mind. It's just not going to make sense to anybody else. So if you'd like to chat, you can schedule a free
[email protected] forward slash schedule.
[00:28:33] Links will be in the description, but I can't wait to talk more. All right y', all. I hope you all have a fabulous week. Here's to creating the life and body you crave.
[00:28:45] If this episode resonated with you, it's time to break free from destructive cycles around food, alcohol and toxic relationships. Your next step Book your free Break the Cycle call where you'll finally see why your binge eating and relationship patterns are so deeply connected and how to break free from both for good.
[00:29:05] You'll walk away with fierce clarity and a game plan to step into a life full of fun, adventure and self love. Grab your spot now at www.bodyyoucrave.com VTC.
[00:29:20] It's time to break the cycle. I'll show you how.
