Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott. Y' all ready? Let's go.
[00:00:24] Hey. Hey. Welcome back.
[00:00:25] And welcome to another episode around this topic of identity. And this is what I feel like my subconscious has been processing the last few nights through dreams. And I've found that for me, that is where a lot of my emotional processing happens. I find that my dreams, there's deeper meaning to it. It's usually not the people or the exact details of what happened. It's like what that represents and what I'm seeing and what I've been picking up this week has been really fascinating.
[00:00:55] And so I'm going to take you back a couple of nights because I've had dreams every single night the last three nights. But we're going to start with the first night because I think that was actually the most interesting. And it really left me, like some of the emotions lingered. The sensations in my body, they lingered. I know that I'm not the only one like that. Right. I'm sure you've had this experience too, where you've had a dream and you woke up and it was something about the memory of it, what happened, the details, or even just how you felt when you woke up. The body sensations. Right? It's like it sticks around for a little bit and we can't always make sense of it. We don't always fully understand. But this, I think, can be such a useful insight and useful tool because sometimes this is where we're seeing, where we are truly transforming and integrating and changing our identity at that root level. And so when our subconscious starts to pick that up, that becomes really powerful. I'm going to take you back to Sunday night. And I had two fairly vivid dreams. So the first one was actually a dream within a dream. So I thought I had woken up, but I was still dreaming. It's very interesting, but in the first dream, in the initial dream, in the dream, I had this experience with somebody that I know in person. I'm going to call him Joe. And in that dream, I felt very unsafe emotionally, physically. I can't remember the exact details, but it was like, I don't feel safe around this guy. I don't like him. I don't like this.
[00:02:20] And I was trying to tell my boyfriend about this. So in the dream, it was actually Sebastian. He is in the dream, and I'm trying to tell him, and he's not getting it. He's kind of like, I don't see what the big deal is. I didn't feel like he had my back. And I was like, this is a problem, and this is enough of an issue for me that it's worth breaking up over.
[00:02:39] So then I think I wake up, but now this is the next part of the dream. I'm still dreaming here, but I, like, quote, wake up, and I'm talking to Sebastian again, and I'm telling him about this dream, and he, again, is like, oh, yeah, I don't see it as that big of a deal. And to me, I'm like, if you don't see why this is a big deal and why this is an issue, this is grounds for breaking up. This is not okay. This is not what I want for myself. That was really interesting to see how within both of those two dreams, it was like I was given another opportunity. And both of those times I was saying, something doesn't feel right. This is not safe. Then I actually, for real, woke up.
[00:03:19] But in this dream, Joe was really embodying emotional danger, intimidation, somebody who is not safe, not somebody I want to be associated with. My brain wasn't focused on him so much. It was actually my response, how I interpreted it, the decisions that I wanted to make in response to how I felt, and then also my response to Bash's response in my dream, like how he experienced things, what he said years ago. I think I would have responded differently to both men. I think I would have told myself that I was overreacting or I need to have more compassion or more grace, or I just need to stuff these feelings down and get over it. Or maybe I would have prioritized other people's judgment over the assertion of my own judgment, my truth, how I'm experiencing things, my intuition, and my discernment. Instead of prioritizing and maybe going back to some of these default patterns, dream me, like, my subconscious mind was saying, this is unacceptable. This is not okay. And it was saying it to both of these men.
[00:04:24] So even when other people didn't believe me, nobody stood up for me. Nobody had my back. I didn't try to convince them that there was a problem. I validated myself. I decided that this was a big deal to me, and that was the only thing that I needed. I wasn't trying to change him. I wasn't trying to change Joe in the dream, I wasn't trying to change Bash. In the dream, I wasn't trying to convince him. I wasn't trying to get him to see it my way. I wasn't trying to say it from all these different angles and try to play the Holy Spirit right. It was like all of the ways that I had previously adapted in marriage and in relationships and dating and even with parental figures, I didn't go back to that. It was like my subconscious has already been strongly programmed to discern and to decide who is safe and who is not and to have my own back and to validate that and to have healthy attachment as well. Of I'm not going to try and change you. If we are not aligned on this and this is a big deal for me, that's okay. But now we are not in alignment with one another. And being able to move forward from that, the willingness to let the wrong person go instead of trying to make the wrong person the right person, that's huge. That's huge for me personally, especially because I have deep abandonment wounds. And it's very hard to let go of people, to let go of men, to walk away from a potentially great guy, or to have this kind of fear of, am I blowing this out of proportion? Am I making this a bigger deal than it really needs to be? Because I am somebody that tends to justify, excuse, minimize bad behavior, toxic behavior, or at the very least, dysfunctional behavior.
[00:06:03] And I can also buy into stories of other people justifying and excusing their dysfunctional behavior, and I just go along with it and agree.
[00:06:11] What I found, though, was that Dream Me had a very strong conviction and belief that my safety matters more than keeping this relationship. That conviction was the same in both the dreams, both in the one where it originally happened and then in the second one where I was telling the story of what happened. I still had that same conviction and that same view of how I'm feeling physically or emotionally. And my safety is more important than keeping a certain person in my life.
[00:06:43] I think years ago, too, I may have been resentful or upset. I might have stuffed it down. And I think sometimes we underestimate how much those patterns have been just. They just turn on autopilot. And what's interesting, too, is usually when I don't agree or somebody doesn't agree with me. I think in the past, there was a lot of feeling misunderstood. I didn't recognize it going through my divorce. It wasn't until afterwards that I recognized. And it was actually after a breakup, after the first guy that broke up with me after the divorce, I felt so misunderstood. And I Felt like the breakup was so unnecessary, and it was, like, so extreme to a simple miscommunication. At the time, that's how I viewed it. And now I see it as a good thing. But back then, feeling so misunderstood, that felt so terrible. And it really tapped on how I actually did feel a lot of that throughout my marriage and feeling like I was always trying to justify or explain or re explain or get somebody to see my point of view. In my dream, I didn't feel that at all. I wasn't upset. I wasn't trying to avoid feeling misunderstood. I wasn't wrestling with that thought or emotion or anything in that realm. It was very much more assertive. This is who I am. These are the types of people that I want in my life. If you don't like that, that's okay, right? It's like I have created my own rules in which I want to live by, and I want other people who are in my life to live by these rules too. And so if we can't agree on those, that's okay, but we're not the right fit. And I think about my divorce. We did not want to play by the same rules. When I want him to be somebody that he doesn't want to be and somebody that he's not, and vice versa. When he wants me to be somebody that I'm not and that I don't want to be, we can't play by the same rules. It does create a lot of frustration and a lot of feeling misunderstood. It's so fascinating to see how in the dream, it was like I didn't think I had a communication issue. It was not a communication problem. It wasn't that I needed to say it again or say it harder. It wasn't that I had my back throughout the whole time. That was really powerful to see. So even though I woke up and I still felt like this weird, creepy feeling of, oh, this didn't sit well, I also recognize all of the internal and emotional power and strength that I did have in the dream, which I believe is reflective of how I have grown over these last few years.
[00:09:03] So that was dream one. Okay, two dreams. The dream within the dream. But essentially that was dream one. And then I had a dream around being in an airport and navigating an airport. And so I was in the lounge, and once again, Bash was there with me. And then he left. He went on ahead to the gate. I don't know if I was gonna finish eating or I was gonna finish doing something, and then I was gonna Go. And I realized I didn't know exactly what gate I needed to get to. I needed my boarding pass. And so there was this machine in the lounge where I could try to get my boarding pass. So I printed something off, and it didn't give me a gate number. It didn't give me any details. And so I'm trying to find my reservation confirmation number. I can't get it now. There's a bunch of people around waiting. And so I'm trying to cut the line to try to get this reprinted, and the machine freezes. So now I'm like, okay, we're boarding soon. I'm about to miss my flight. I need to just get walking. And so I'm like, screw this. I'm going. I'm going to go out into the terminal and just figure this out. So I start walking. I'm trying to call Bash, and it's not going through. I. And then he's trying to call me, but I can't answer. It's like something with the connection and the service, we can't communicate. I don't know that he's getting my texts, but there's this kind of sinking feeling of, I think he's already in the air. They have already left, and I don't even know where I'm trying to get to, but I'm trying to connect with him. That's not working. I'm like, all right, I'm going to figure this out. And my thought was like, I need to at least get to the gate, and I need to find it. I'm going home. At this point, I think I was in New York, and I'm trying to get back down south. And so I know where I'm going. I'm trying to get home. And my thought was also, okay, might have missed this flight, but I can at least get booked on the next flight. And even if I have to stay overnight, it'll be an inconvenience, but I can figure this out. I will get home. There was also this just, like, knowing and conviction determination of, I'm getting home.
[00:10:49] I start walking through the airport, and I'm talking with somebody at a gate, but trying to figure out, how do I get back to this city? And then I learn that all flights have been grounded.
[00:11:00] Now there's a little bit of hope. There's a little bit of, oh, my gosh, I might still make this original flight if nobody's leaving. All flights have been paused. I might still have time. I keep walking, and I end up going through this Little corridor, and I end up outside of the airport and I can see the terminal. And so there's this very conscious thought of like, okay, I'm now outside, I need to get back in there. And I'm walking around this little, almost like a little strip mall type of thing. And there's like some restaurants and there happens to be this pink steakhouse. I don't know why it was a pink steakhouse. I don't know why my brain likes certain details, but it was a pink steakhouse. I remember walking by and thinking like, oh, that sounds good, but I need to find my gate. I am trying to get home.
[00:11:42] That's where the dream ended. I woke up, but I didn't feel a lot of anxiety throughout most of it. There wasn't a lot of panic. It was more of this confidence of, I'm going to figure this out, I'm going to find my way, and even if I get delayed, I'm still going to get home. There wasn't a lot of fear, anxiety, panic. This is where I'm like, oh, my goodness, that was an interesting night.
[00:12:02] After doing a little bit of research and write everything out and try and find some of these interpretations and these through lines of what are the patterns? What is this symbolizing? What does this represent?
[00:12:12] And airports almost always symbolize transitions. Right? You're in between two places. You're no longer where you were, but you're also not fully where you're going.
[00:12:22] And I think that is spot on. Exactly where I'm at in life.
[00:12:27] I can see so much of this transition and integration and moving from one thing, one place to the next. It did make me laugh as I thought about how reflective this is of just transitions and navigating. And I think it's within business. There's this transition happening for me within relationships. There's this transition as Vash and I are getting closer and developing a stronger relationship, even just in this overarching post divorce transition and what life looks like and really curating it and designing it on purpose, being really intentional with it. Let's get into some of the details though, because I think this is really interesting. Okay, so I didn't have a boarding pass, right? And a boarding pass gives you permission to get to the next phase, right? Because it's permission to get onto the plane that's going to take you to that next phase.
[00:13:18] And I didn't lose the flight, I lost clarity. The machine froze. There was no gate, no confirmation number, no directions. It's very symbolic of I didn't have clarity, but I still had the destination.
[00:13:31] I still knew where I was going, and I still had certainty that I was going to get there. And I was even able to talk myself through, even if I missed this flight, I'm still gonna get on the next one. Which, again, honestly, is where I've been of. I'm not questioning the vision. Sometimes, though, I've been questioning the logistics or I've been questioning some of these other pieces.
[00:13:53] For me to scan out, to pull back and look at the last three years of being divorced, I'd say that has been a lot of it. I've had a vision for my life, and yet the logistics and how I'm getting there and when have also fluctuated.
[00:14:08] Then there was no phone reception. And this one was really actually very unique because in the dream, I was not mad at Bash at all. I was not mad at him for leaving. I did not feel abandoned. I was not upset at the phone company that I couldn't get through. It was very much, I'm trying to get help and get support, but I'm also maybe outsourcing that a little bit. Right. Cause I'm also looking for boards. I think that was the other thing, is I was looking for the arrival departure boards, and I couldn't find any. I'm trying to find all the ways that I can to get where I need to go. Part of that circle uncertainty, though, was outsourcing to someone else. I wanted him to tell me, where do I need to go or to even tell me, has this flight even left?
[00:14:48] Right. I wanted some external validation or reassurance or something, and I couldn't get that external certainty. I couldn't ask somebody else where to go or what to do. Has the flight yet? There's no external reassurance. I had to reassure myself. And then I had to start navigating myself and continue to run through my list of what are my options, how do I solve this? And I do. I dig into this deeper level of determination and grit and this I can figure it out attitude. Because even if I missed the first flight, I still knew that I could get to the next one. I still knew that there would be others that I could get on, even if it had to be a day later.
[00:15:28] It was very much the sense of confidence, grit, determination.
[00:15:33] It wasn't anger, it wasn't panic. And when I realized that no flights were taking off, I felt a lot of hope. There was excitement. There was like this surge of, oh, I can still make it. Because I think initially there was a Little bit of fear and urgency of, oh no, I'm going to miss my opportunity. In reality, nobody's leaving yet. I haven't missed my opportunity. And so it almost felt like my subconscious reassuring me I'm not behind, I'm not late, I'm still in progress. Everyone's on pause.
[00:16:04] That was really powerful. And the fact that I wasn't just bitter and resentful either at Bash and just making it his fault. And why didn't you wait? Nothing was directed at him. It was very much problem solving and then re emphasizing. I can figure this out. It makes me think of when I had this determination, when I was really working on my emotional eating and binge eating habitat of I will figure this out. I might have to try different courses and programs and coaches and podcasts and books. I might need a variety of different things and I don't know exactly what's going to work when, but come hell or high water, I will figure this out. Because this habit doesn't feel normal and I haven't lived with it my whole life. I knew that there was a life where I could eat carbs and still be a healthy weight. I knew there was a time where I wasn't constantly thinking about food and obsessing about it. There was a time when I wasn't binging.
[00:16:56] So it was like there was this certainty of, I know that I can do it. I just need to figure out the path for me and what that looks like. But it was very much this. No matter what happens, I am going to figure this out. And really, regardless of how long it takes. Me too.
[00:17:11] As I started looking at some of these themes between both of these two dreams, now is old Jillian needed reassurance and she wondered if she was overreacting.
[00:17:21] She was waiting to be rescued. There were fears of being alone or being abandoned. And she wanted to keep relationships even when they felt unsafe and even when there was evidence that they were unsafe and in her body she could feel that they were unsafe or something was off. Even when there was this spiky anxiety. It's very interesting to see how that was very much me in real life. This wasn't just old Jillian from a dream. This was like, this was me. This was how I operated.
[00:17:50] Now dream Jillian is mirroring the me today, right? Who trusts her perception, who leaves unsafe situations, who doesn't require or need everybody to agree with her or validate her.
[00:18:04] She solves problems independently.
[00:18:06] She believes that she's going to find a way, and she does. She commits to figuring it out. Regardless of what that solution might look and the timing and how long and all of these little details. It's like there's this overall commitment to, I'm going to figure this out. I am getting to this destination.
[00:18:25] And she protects her own peace. And she protects her own peace above any unhealthy attachment or any fears of abandonment or of abandoning others.
[00:18:36] That is exactly the transformation I've been articulating in my work is to stop living by everyone else's rules and to start trusting yourself enough to follow your own inner compass.
[00:18:48] What I saw with this first night of dreams was that my subconscious is literally practicing what I preach and it's showing up and how I relate to Sebastian in my dream, which mirrors how I've been in real life too. Because in both dreams, Sebastian doesn't become my hero. He is not the hero. He is not my rescuer. He also doesn't become the villain. This is really important. I don't also villainize or make him the problem in the first stream. His lack of response simply revealed my boundary. If my partner is going to consistently dismiss my safety and how I'm feeling, that's not a relationship I want to stay in.
[00:19:28] The power isn't in changing him. It's knowing. Here's how I respond in this situation. Here's how I respond to this dynamic.
[00:19:35] And in the second dream, he goes ahead to the gate, and then I have to navigate alone. But I don't feel that as abandonment. I don't get angry or resentful. I simply adapt. There's this new belief that I have been actively working on and working to create within myself. And I see this as now I'm starting to fully embody it, not just in my waking moments, but in the deeper subconscious level. And that's that I deeply value partnership. But my ability to navigate life does not depend on someone else rescuing me. I can rescue me. I have my own back. I can figure this out.
[00:20:14] It's not so much now of I need a man and I need a relationship because I need to feel special, wanted, worthy. I need the attention or whatever it was that they were doing for me. It's like, I don't need that now. It can truly become, I want.
[00:20:29] And this is tricky because I think for some men, they want to feel needed, not just wanted. There's kind of like a line, right, for masculinity, where it goes from being healthy to unhealthy. And there's a healthy level of genuinely wanting to feel purposeful and needed. But there can become an unhealthy level where it's like savior complex, where it's like, I want to save them, I want to be needed to be the savior, to come in and rescue someone.
[00:21:00] I am not a damsel in distress that needs to be rescued, and I don't want to be one. I don't want that. I think there may have been a time when I did maybe align with that identity. Even if I didn't consciously think it. There was still this outsourcing of views and certainty and confidence and belief and just different dynamics. And now I'm looking at, no, I can do that. I can stand on my own two feet. And now coming into a partnership, it can be truly healthy teammates and equals and not a I need this person in order to survive, or I need this person in order to keep breathing. I think that really showed a huge evolution in how I do dating in particular, relationships as a whole. But definitely romantic relationships and dating.
[00:21:49] Neither dream really ends with panic or fear. Like, they end with confidence. They end with agency and some certainty. And this is how I can tell that my self, concept and identity are changing, because I see it. I see it now showing up in my dreams very vividly.
[00:22:06] My question to you is, if your subconscious already believed in a stronger version of yourself, what would change if you started believing in that stronger version of yourself too?
[00:22:19] It's about remembering the woman underneath all the conditioning and integrating it with what you've learned over these last few years.
[00:22:28] It's this integration of wisdom from recent years and awareness with your true self. The version of you before all of the pleasing, the perfection, the coping mechanisms, all of the maladaptive coping mechanisms that we have, that true, authentic, unapologetic version of yourself.
[00:22:50] And one of my favorite sayings and something that came up as I was writing out some notes for this is this thought of what's for me, can't miss me. If I miss one flight, I'll take another. If one strategy doesn't work, I'll do something different. If one opportunity passes, another will come. What's for me, can't miss me. Because I'm the woman who keeps walking. I'm the woman who keeps going, who commits until I hit that end goal, until I find my gate, until I get to that next location.
[00:23:18] One thing that really gets eroded after toxic relationships or throughout really, is self trust. And one of the biggest ways we learn to trust ourselves is with people, with friends, co workers, romantic partners. And one thing that I've been doing in dating is really trying not to change somebody, but letting them show me who they are. And this is how I've done things with Bash. And it's exactly how I'm operating in the dream, too.
[00:23:43] Self trust isn't just about making bold decisions. Sometimes it's refusing to manufacture certainty where it doesn't yet exist. It's allowing reality to unfold instead of rushing to define it. And the idea really extends beyond relationships because it's not about acting faster as much as sometimes. It's observing longer and being open. And that, to me, feels very aligned.
[00:24:08] It's worth noting here. Once again, I was not questioning the destination. I wasn't questioning whether I was going to get home on that plane. It was the specific time of day, not necessarily where I was going.
[00:24:20] Maybe you're not questioning your dreams anymore, but maybe you're questioning the timeline, maybe you're questioning the strategy, maybe you're questioning the how or some of these other pieces. The destination you've got that you know where you're going, you know what you want. The question really becomes how? Because at the end of the day, we're not trying to change your habits. We're trying to change the woman who's making the decisions. We're changing the place from which you're making decisions so that you truly 100% love your reasons. We're not just trying to lose weight or build a business or leave a relationship. Find a relationship, drink less, make more money, put yourself first. Right? Those things are all great. They matter. But they're the fruit of something deeper. The real transformation happens because you become a woman who trusts herself, A woman who doesn't need everyone else's permission. A woman who knows what she wants, who honors her intuition, who sets boundaries without guilt or with guilt, can feel the guilt and still sets them and enforces them anyways.
[00:25:25] Who keeps walking even when she can't see the whole path.
[00:25:29] Who knows that if one door closes, she's going to find another.
[00:25:32] And she stops asking, what should I do? And starts asking more. What feels true for me, what feels aligned?
[00:25:40] Because once that identity shifts, everything else begins to shift with it. It's remembering who you were before the world told you, who you had to be. And it's shedding the rules that were never yours. Learning to trust your own inner compass and creating a life that actually feels like yours.
[00:25:58] So if you've been listening to this podcast and something inside you keeps whispering, there's more for me, listen to that voice.
[00:26:06] This is your invitation. This is the season where you stop waiting for somebody else to tell you it's okay to choose you.
[00:26:13] You get to become the woman who gives yourself permission.
[00:26:16] You're gonna build self trust, rediscover your own voice, connect with the woman you already are underneath all the conditioning. And from that place you'll build a life that doesn't just look successful on the outside, but it feels deeply aligned on the inside.
[00:26:33] Our goal is to become more fully ourselves, to stop abandoning ourselves. To actually give ourselves permission to want what we want and the freedom and the awareness to actually look at it. Permission and acceptance around this is what I want. And making those decisions with yourself in mind, ultimately creating this deeper relationship with yourself where we rebuild your self concept after a toxic relationship. Because there are a lot of pieces that get eroded. Self trust being one of them. But also shame and abandonment and feeling helpless, feeling stuck.
[00:27:09] But you are not stuck. You have wings and you can soar. And it's learning how to use your wings. It's learning how to use those ashes where you you've burned parts of your life down and now what do you want to create with it?
[00:27:24] And let's create something powerful. Let's create something magical.
[00:27:27] Because there is so much more life left to live.
[00:27:31] If you are ready to create a life you don't need an escape from and finally heal from the diet trauma, relationship trauma and everything you've been through and really create something magical and new with it. I'd love to help. Your next best step to explore private coaching is to schedule a free consultation and on the call we'll talk through where you are now, where you want to be and exactly what's getting in your way. Because one of the things that I know to be true is that a well defined problem is a problem half solved. So often we need clarity on what the real problem is that we're trying to solve and then a simple clear path of how to do that.
[00:28:11] So whether you are unclear around what's the actual issue, why you're not creating the results you want or the path and the plan that's actually going to create something new, I can help. This is my zone of genius. It's what I excel at is helping you to see your personal blind spots. So schedule your free call and we'll chat more. Then have a fantastic rest of the week.
[00:28:34] Here's to creating the life and body you crave.
[00:28:42] If this episode resonated with you, it's time to break free from destructive cycles around food, alcohol and toxic relationships. Your next step, book your free break the cycle call where you'll finally see why your binge eating and relationship patterns are so deeply connected and how to break free from both for good.
[00:29:02] You'll walk away with fierce clarity and a game plan to step into a life full of fun, adventure and self love. Grab your spot now at www.bodyucrave.com BTC.
[00:29:17] It's time to break the cycle. I'll show you.
