Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott. Y' all ready? Let's go.
[00:00:24] Hey. Hey. Welcome back to Part two of Reclaiming youg Body After Trauma.
[00:00:29] Now, one of the things that has really come up, and one thing that I've been reflecting on, is how we try to control food because we're trying to control our bodies. And so this is why, again, it's like all of these dynamics are so tangled and intertwined, and we can't talk about our bodies without also talking about food, because these two go hand in hand. And so often when we have a dysregulated body and nervous system that we don't feel safe in, it's not safe to feel emotions. It's not safe to be a certain size, shape, or weight, because we learn that's how we have to earn love and approval and praise. And so we learn that we need to control and manipulate our bodies. And how do we do that? We control and we manipulate things like exercise, but definitely food.
[00:01:18] And I believe this is where our dysfunctional relationship and toxic relationship with food really stems.
[00:01:25] Often it is trying to control food so that we can control our bodies. It's like, I am not good enough in and of myself. I am not good enough in this size, shape, or weight, but if I can lose the weight, then I'll feel good enough. This is why we're often in such a hurry to lose the weight and lose it quickly. It's why we have a hard time slowing down, learning to enjoy the process. We're like, f that I want to feel good enough. I want to feel better.
[00:01:52] And because so much of our own self love is attached to our bodies, we're like, I can't love myself at this weight. I can't love myself now. How could anybody else find me attractive? How could anybody else love me right now? And this is where we don't want to shame ourselves. We want to bring so much love and so much compassion. But we have got to stop lying to ourselves. We have got to stop sugarcoating and trying to just bury our head in the sand like an ostrich. And trust me, I have had plenty of ostrich moments in my life. I've had plenty of ostrich seasons in my life. I would say many of us have, especially around relationships. When it comes to parenting, when it comes to our family of origin and our parents, I guarantee we have dozens of experiences like this. And this is where, though, we have to start telling ourselves the truth. And the more that we can do that and have love and compassion, the more we can hold space for guilt and shame and any negative emotion that comes up, the more capacity we have to feel. The less we need food, the less we need alcohol, the more we can create a peaceful, neutral relationship with food. But we also have to recognize that we keep trying to control food so that we can control our bodies. It's so deep and it's so entangled. But this is why I feel like I can't talk about our body and our relationship with our body without also talking about our relationship with food. So just know that's part of why this is such a big topic. And as I look at some of the concepts and ideas that I wanted to share, so much of it relates back to food. It really does. Because at the core, that's what's happening. It's not about willpower. It's not about just try harder. It is really an emotional capacity. And anytime we can expand our capacity to feel, we want to feel good just as much as we want to feel and allow ourselves and be willing to feel the negative emotions and know that they can't hurt us, they won't kill us, we aren't going anywhere, because that is what's going to change our relationship with food. I no longer need food to regulate my nervous system when I can regulate it for myself. I no longer need food to escape this negative emotion like guilt or shame or regret or loneliness, when I can allow myself to feel that and trust that it's not going to last forever?
[00:04:14] So it's, how long can I feel this? Can I really create the capacity so that I'm not trying to escape it? I'm not trying to outrun it.
[00:04:22] And sometimes it's simply that we're so used to those hits of dopamine. We're so used to being constantly stimulated that it's not that we're bored. It's just we don't feel, like, instantly stimulated in the moment. And I think that's another key reason as to why we can be reaching for food emotionally.
[00:04:40] It may not always feel like we're outrunning something negative, but we do want to feel better. We want to feel pleasure, we want to feel joy. And we have put so much emphasis on the food. It's like, well, life won't be fun without the food. Life is going to suck. Life is going to be dreadful when I go on this diet. And it's the same thing that I was thinking about when I first had this idea around not dating for a year. I was like, man, this is going to suck.
[00:05:06] Life is gonna be terrible.
[00:05:08] And really I needed to create a life where I felt comfortable and I loved my life being single, that's what I really needed to work on was like, I am safe, I'm secure, and I truly love my life when I'm single. That way I'm not needing somebody else to make me happy. I don't need somebody else to meet these emotional needs. I am meeting them for myself. That's the same approach that we're intake with dating and relationships moving forward. It's the same approach we're going to have with food and with alcohol so that you can feel calm and grounded, so that you can feel neutral. It doesn't matter whether you're at a potluck or a buffet or out to eat or on vacation. These patterns, these habits go with you everywhere you go. And that's important is that we have a lifestyle. We have this approach that we can take with us. It's why I believe so strongly in what can you do for the rest of your life without hating your life. Meet yourself where you're at right now and get just a little bit better, 1% better. That's what we want to do. And we're going to learn not just how to allow negative emotions, but how to re regulate your nervous system. Because part of what feels so uncomfortable about emotions is the physical vibrations in our body that we get. It's the physical sensations that come with the emotion. So I know when I'm feeling anxiety or abandonment. Often my heart is racing, my stomach's churning, my chest can feel really tight. It feels so uncomfortable in my body.
[00:06:35] And in the past, that is when I would often look to food or look to alcohol or I would try to appease somebody else because it's. I can control them in a sense, if I can get them to calm down, if I can get them to just be nicer, if I can get them to not leave me now I'm going to be safe. And what we want to do is create safety in our bodies to feel, safety to feel the sensations, safety to feel and to be like with the nervous system response. Because the dysregulation is often why we have a dysregulated relationship with food, because of those dysregulating people and our family of Origin and parents or grandparents or caregivers that we grew up who were very emotionally unavailable or emotionally volatile. Creating the space and the safety to feel and to really, quite frankly to be a human. This was one of the things that really started to weigh on me was recognizing even with my ex, I couldn't just be a human with a human emotion. It was like I wasn't allowed to feel stressed. I would get this shame and guilt from him around. You've had a babysitter three hours today. What do you have to feel stressed about? You shouldn't feel stressed. I'm stressed. And I don't know if it was this game of my stress is bigger than your stress, but I just felt so invalidated and so unseen and really all I needed in that moment was a hug. It's okay, sweetie. Don't worry. We're going to figure this out. And if he would have stepped up in those moments, granted he didn't have the capacity to. I can see that now. But it helped me to realize I want to be married to somebody who can step up in those moments and say, what do you need right now? How can I help? And a lot of times it was just that physical touch of give me a hug that helps to soothe my nervous system and re regulate. And then if he was like, hey, let me make dinner tonight. Can we make dinner together? Why don't you let me take the baby and you go take some time. We're like, go walk the dogs. Let me take the baby. Let's come back and we'll eat dinner together in just a little bit. Right? That's what I really wanted. And so that was helpful for me to recognize how I was trying to do all of this all on my own and then try to please him and caretake for his emotional needs. And. And I just didn't have the capacity for that. It was like I felt so dysregulated in myself and I was trying to care for all these things and all these people and it was like still not safe. It wasn't allowed for me to feel stressed or to feel overwhelmed or me to feel sad. And recognizing that allowing myself to feel it made it easier to make decisions, made it easier to move forward, made it easier to talk about all of these different aspects. And that's what we're learning how to do. This is not about the food, it an under feeling problem. It's how we keep trying to escape. We're trying to escape emotions sometimes we're trying to escape out of our bodies. We're trying to escape life and this life that we're in and this hand of cards that we've been dealt. And instead we need to figure out how do I make the best of it. I think about cans of cards, right? We're dealt certain cards and in some of the games that I play, it's like we can pick new cards and then we discard some. And there are some cards that we can't get rid of, right? Like our bodies and health conditions. There are going to be certain things that, like, this is what we're living with. These are simply the cards that we were dealt. There are other cards, circumstances that we can control and we can change, like where we're living or who we're in relationship to, or who our friends are or what kind of career we have. We can constantly be drawing new cards and discarding ones that don't work for us. And it's all about learning how do we find this balance and recognizing what can I control, what is within my power.
[00:10:06] Not from a place of trying to white knuckle in willpower and fight for something, but not trying to control our bodies in that sense, but recognizing there are going to be circumstances in my life that I can change and I'm going to want to change so that I can enjoy life better. And I'm creating more of what I want in every part of life. And there are going to be some aspects that I can't necessarily change, but I'm going to change how I think and how I feel about them. So I think about my body, right? I'm 5 foot 3 and I'm about 120 to 125 pounds. I have more of an athletic figure. There are certain aspects that I can't change. Aside from wearing high heels, I'm never going to be 5 foot 8. I have curly, reddish strawberry blonde hair. I am not going to have straight blonde hair like my cousin that I used to envy. I was so envious. There are just certain aspects that I recognize. Like I'm not going to try to force my body to be something that it's not. Or like trying to change my eye color, right? It's like I'm going to change how I think and feel about it. I can't control or change that specifically.
[00:11:11] And so this is where we look at what is within my power, what is within my realm. And when we focus on the habits, when we focus on our health, when we focus on what does a life look like that I even love, how do I start Moving towards the life that brings me joy and pleasure. How do we start to love and make peace and acceptance with my body? Now, even in the process of changing it, this all gets so intertwined. But one of the big questions and one of the things that came up as I was talking with some girlfriends last night was, what are you really hungry for? And so often we are hungry for love. We are starved for love and for praise and for affection. We are starved for that, not just from other people. And this is the problem, is we keep looking to other people to do that for us. Rather than learning how to love and praise and validate ourselves, we keep making that dependent on other things. It's dependent on my body size, shape or weight. It's dependent on how much money I make or how big my house is or how fancy my car is. It's so dependent on these other things when really it's like, can you love you for you, for your integrity, for your character, for your willingness to break cycles.
[00:12:20] It's not about taking away food or taking away alcohol or punishing yourself with exercise. We don't remove the food. We add life. We give our life meaning and value. And we praise the progress. We praise how we're showing up for ourselves. We praise the willingness to keep going even when it's hard.
[00:12:38] We praise the grit and the resilience and the commitment.
[00:12:43] And we recognize that we keep turning to somebody else to make us feel good about ourselves. And the great irony is that at one point they did often, those dysfunctional people, they did at a time, make us feel really good about ourselves. And then something happened and it flipped. And then they would tear us down so that they could feel better about themselves. And then we just feel like shit. But yet we stay, because that's how we feel, like wanted and special and needed. It's how we prevented the feeling of abandonment or maybe shame. And so the more that we have willingness to feel, the more we expand that capacity, the more we heal our nervous system, the more we can come home to our bodies. It's not about shrinking the body. It's not about trying to control and manipulate and make it look a way that it's not going to.
[00:13:32] It's learning how to lean in and love our bodies, to find the clothes that fit our bodies and fit our body types. I have a dress that I'm going to be donating, not because it's a bad dress, but I just don't love the way it fits on my body.
[00:13:47] Dresses that cinch at the waist, a Little bit more are better for me because I don't have a very defined waist. I don't have large hips. In fact, my shoulders are slightly wider than my hips. I have a little bit more of a triangle shape, but it's also very athletic and just straight.
[00:14:02] So it's like certain clothes, certain outfits are not going to look great on me or certain styles. Like, I love the style of like, crop tops with leggings. That's not a great style for me. I do not have a long torso.
[00:14:13] It does not look great. Even though I try to pull it off. Like, it's just. And there's nothing wrong with my body. But there are certain styles that just aren't going to look great on me. Or like wide leg jeans. Wide leg is making a comeback. I don't look great in it. I love my skinny jeans, though. You are going to have to pry those off of my cold, dead body. Like, I'm going to wear those forever. And it's the willingness to embrace that and to not make that a problem. To find the beauty, to find the joy and to recognize like, it's okay. I'm going to learn how to love my body now. I'm going to talk nice, I'm going to think nice, I'm going to praise, I'm going to validate. I'm going to look at where I'm winning, where I'm succeeding, and I'm going to stop quitting on myself. I'm going to stop make quitting an option. And this is important because we always have the option. We can always quit. But it's in these hard moments when we feel like quitting, that when we don't quit, the breakthroughs come.
[00:15:05] I hope that this comes off as reassuring of I can quit or I can break through. And when I don't, when quitting is no longer on the table, I am guaranteed to break through. I will break through. But it's gonna be tough. It's going to be challenging at times because I'm gonna come up against a lot of thoughts, a lot of beliefs, a lot of drama as to how I've always done things in the past. And we don't have to make that an issue or a problem. We can recognize when that comes up. But it's like this is the moment when we feel like we're failing, when we're not winning, when it feels hard, when it feels. And we have to be in it for the hard parts. We can't just play the game and we can't just play the weight loss game. So long as we win, so long as the scale goes down in the ways that we want it to, it's like, I'm only going to play monopoly, but only as long as I'm winning the whole game all the time or I'm only going to play this sport or do this activity. Like a pickleball is really big right now. I don't play, but it's like playing pickleball, but you're like, oh, I'm only going to play so long as I win the whole game. And I'm always winning. That's no fun. No, you have to be in it for the whole game. I think about my son, sweet guy, and he wants to always win and he gets really upset when he doesn't win. And there are a lot of times when I let him win, but it was so funny. We were racing, it was around the holidays and there was this little path that we started racing on and I would get close to him and then he would cheat. He would get off the path and cheat so that he could win. And I'm like, no, no, no.
[00:16:30] This is going to be one of those hard lessons and one of the things he's going to start learning and be more conscious and aware of, of like how to lose. And it's okay, it's okay to play the game and to lose. There has to be some of those opportunities. Now, some things in the grand scheme of thing, it's like, doesn't really matter. I am not a win at all costs type of person. And especially with him, I want him to win, I want him to feel successful, I want him to play. But I also know that this is a very valuable life lesson is learning how to lose and how to come back and play again, learning how to get better, learning how to evaluate, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many attempts you make, because you are becoming a new version of yourself, the version of you who has the results and can maintain them. This doesn't mean you just have physical results. It means you have the mental and emotional capacity to maintain them forever.
[00:17:22] This takes time, it takes effort, it takes repetition. And we don't have to shy away from it. But it's recognizing that I'm not always going to be winning and can I stick with it? Can I have my own back even in the hard times? This is why I believe so much in coaching. It's why I feel so convicted. And having a coach, having a community, having other people with you for these hard times, for these Moments when we want to quit on ourselves, when we get frustrated, when we're not seeing the results that we want and we decide, I am not giving up on myself. I am going to keep going and I'm going to figure this out and I'm going to use this as data. I'm going to reflect back and look at what's working, what's not working, what will I do differently next time? That is a very simple, basic evaluation that you can use. And with clients, I walk them through different evaluations for their week, for their month, for an overeat or a binge to really understand and help you get to the heart of what's playing out. This is why I'm offering the conquer your craving cycle call. Because it's not just about the craving. It's about. It's understanding the cycle. And that's why this whole month, we are going to look at one real moment, one specific example where you feel out of control around food or alcohol and walk through why it's really happening, what's really taking place and what's going on. What is truly driving that craving, driving that urge, and how to meet it differently, how to show up differently. Because most of us don't like the version of ourselves that. That quit when we quit, especially when we quit on ourselves, we don't like that version of us.
[00:18:57] So while it can be an option and we can give ourselves space of I always have the option, but I don't like the version of me that quits. So now I'm going to take it off the table. My option now is I'm going to break through and I'm going to commit. This is what I feel like when it's like we go all in on ourselves. We go all in on transformation. We go all in on thinking and doing differently. This is how we change our lives. Not just with food, not just with our body, but it's how we show up in every part of life differently at such a better level. Because over time, what we want is we want to be the woman and we want to be the man. We want to be the person whose emotional stability that day is not dictated by the scale. It does not matter what that scale said at the beginning of the day. It does not become the highlight of your day. It does not become the permission to eat your face off. It's also not the driver of the punishment for how you need to exercise or what you can't eat. I know that you want to be the person who can praise and validate Yourself as your composition is changing, as your body is changing, regardless of what the scale says, you can find the wins. You can look in the mirror and give yourself a genuine compliment. You can say nice things about yourself, about your body now, even when you still want to change it, even when you're still on a weight loss journey, that you can find things that you love and value and be grateful for.
[00:20:20] So many times I think we take our physical health and simply being able to walk or move comfortably for granted. I know I do. And those moments when I have hip pain or knee pain or I tweak my neck or something, and it's in those moments where I'm like, wow, I really underestimate and I undervalue sometimes how grateful I am for my body and to be able to move or to be able to sleep or to be able to sit comfortably. But I know that you want to be the person who can be at a picnic or a holiday party or a buffet and can enjoy a few bites of food without overeating, without bingeing, without feeling afraid of food, without feeling like you need to white knuckle, who can feel ease and peace to feel relaxed around it. You're no longer living in the mercy of your cravings and your urges.
[00:21:05] I believe that you can stop binge eating, you can stop emotionally eating. I believe that you can be the person to where the highlight of your day is not food.
[00:21:14] We can make life the highlight. We focus on creating the life that we crave, the life that we desire, so that we are not seeking to meet our emotional needs. With food and with alcohol. These are the things that we learn. These are the things that I'm going to teach you how to truly release emotional eating so that you can lose weight from a place of self, love, grow your confidence, feel amazing in your body, and stop repeating those same loops over and over again with food, with alcohol, and with dysfunctional people.
[00:21:47] Because often we are still in those same cycles, those same patterns with people that we can get into. With food, this is not about quick fixes. It's not about new diet plans or new food rules. It's about rebuilding safety and trust. And this is how weight loss becomes a byproduct. It becomes a byproduct of how you're showing up and how you're changing your life from the inside out. It's no longer a battle and it's no longer, I need to control food so I can control my body so that I can feel good enough. And this is one of those Things where, like, logically, we know, yep, I know I'm worthy. I know I'm good enough. But it's not embodied. We don't feel it in our bones.
[00:22:26] We don't feel it in our gut. It's one of those. I think it logically, but from a habit brain standpoint, it still feels far away. It still feels like, no, I need to earn it, I need to achieve it. This is why people who love you, naturally or easily, it's not gonna feel safe. Something's not gonna feel right because you're not. You're used to having to earn it to achieve it. And when you don't have to anymore, even though that's what we want, it will feel uncomfortable, at least in the beginning. That's why I'm here to help you. This is exactly what I'm here to help you do, is to reclaim your life, reclaim your body, reclaim your confidence, and reclaim that sense of self worth.
[00:23:05] All right, that was my little part 2 semi rant.
[00:23:10] This is something that I'm so passionate about because this is often what drives our relationship with our bodies and what's underneath. It is really often what drives all of the dysfunctional relationships in our life. And so we want to start with healing our relationship with ourself. You go first. I go first. I don't wait for somebody else to compliment me. I compliment me. I do that. I found that when I truly started to love and value myself, when I was complimenting and praising myself and validating myself, compliments from men no longer felt like such a high. It wasn't feeding my soul anymore because I was doing that for myself.
[00:23:48] I go first. And that's what I'm going to help you to do, too. You go first. You validate, you value, and other people will be attracted to that. They're going to like that. They're going to see positive things in you. But now a compliment can make you smile and you can be appreciative, you can enjoy it, but it's not the highlight of your day either. I remember when I was on a treadmill and I had just been running for like an hour, and I was stretching, and this guy came over and he was like, sorry to interrupt, but you are the most amazingly beautiful woman I've ever seen. And I just wanted to tell you that. And he walked away, and I was kind of like, whoa, what just happened? And for a long time, that was the best compliment I had ever received, even though I felt guilty because it didn't come from my husband. I was married at the time, and it came from another guy. That was also a sign of, something's off, something's not quite right. If the best compliment I have ever received comes from another man and not my husband, there might be something going on. But it's interesting how I attracted love bombing from a stranger. Like, somebody could sniff that out in me. But for a long time, that was, like, so meaningful. It was so impactful, in part because I was not telling myself that same thing. I wasn't like, yeah, I know.
[00:25:06] I was like, are you crazy? I'm sweaty and gross and my hair is frizzy. And like, what are you talking about? I'm not beautiful. It was like I was arguing with him. I didn't actually. But in my head, I was. I actually thought I was being punked. I was, like, looking around, like, are there cameras? What is going on? Because I didn't feel that strongly, and I didn't feel that love and that value for myself. That's why it was so easy for dysfunctional and toxic men to get into my life and for me to be attached to them so quickly, even when it was, like, such a line. Even dating after my divorce, even when I knew about dysfunctional relationships. And there was one guy who had dropped some lines of like, I just want you to know you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Like, he knew exactly what he was doing, and I fell for it. It was like, oh, my gosh, this feels so amazing. Even though part of me knew it was just a line, he was probably saying that to other people. But there was another part of me that was like, oh, no, he's only saying this to me. I really am.
[00:26:03] It was like I was still looking for that praise and validation, specifically from a man, from a romantic partner or a potential romantic partner.
[00:26:12] That's what we gotta heal.
[00:26:14] That stems from childhood. That stems from my lack and my inability to do that for myself. We got some stuff to work on, y', all, and that's okay, but let's do the work. Let's actually get in there and do the work to truly transform ourselves.
[00:26:30] To reclaim yourself.
[00:26:33] All right. Happy Valentine's Day. I hope this comes out on the 14th.
[00:26:38] It might end up coming out on the 15th. Either way, I hope you have a fabulous weekend. Here's to creating the life and body you crave.
[00:26:50] If this episode resonated with you, it's time to break free from destructive cycles around food, alcohol, and toxic relationships. Your next step, book your free. Break the cycle. Call where you'll finally see why your binge eating and relationship patterns are so deeply connected and how to break free from both for good.
[00:27:10] You'll walk away with fierce clarity and a game plan to step into a life full of fun, adventure and self love. Grab your spot now at www.bodyyoucrave.com BTC.
[00:27:25] It's time to break the cycle. I'll show you.
