Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott. Y' all ready? Let's go.
[00:00:24] Speaker B: Hey, hey. Welcome back and happy holidays. I hope everybody had a fantastic Christmas. Hanukkah, whatever. You celebr right. I hope you had a fantastic holiday week or two weeks. And we are now to the week of New Year's and this is super fun, super exciting. I always love the new year. And while I love Christmas and I'm sad the fall season is over just because I love it so much, I also get excited about the new year and what we often deem as being this fresh start. This weekend, Saturday, January 3rd, I'm actually going to host a free workshop. And it's around this concept of creating your future vision. And so it's called From Survival to Desire. Because so often what I found is that women don't know how to tap into the desire. We don't know what we want. Even when we were married, we didn't know what we wanted. And so often what we wanted wasn't allowed. We were shamed for it. We were told we couldn't have it, so why bother? We were told it was stupid or dumb or we just needed to be more content with what we had. Don't want too much, don't want too big. There are all of these phrases, all of these sayings that really have kept us small for so long. And so often it was somebody else, often somebody narcissistic, who is trying to keep you small so that they can feel bigger. And the challenge here is that has really played into our self concept, our self belief. And we have such limitations over what we think is possible and what's available to us. This workshop is really designed to help you to tap into that. Because not knowing what you want is not a failure. It's a survival skill. It's how you learn to survive. It's part of that coping mechanism. Because for many of us, we learned to want what was acceptable, what was allowed by others. We learned to want what kept us safe. We learned to want what didn't rock the boat. We learned sometimes to stop wanting altogether. We would shut down the desire because we weren't allowed to have it. And so because of all of these, like, really, there have been years and decades of this happening and perpetuating this problem. Rather than leaning into desire, making decisions from desire and letting that be good enough. We put so much pressure on decisions. And I remember going to college and trying to choose which university to go to. And I put so much pressure on picking the right school versus letting desire lead and trusting that no matter where I went, I would find friends, I would get a great education, I would have great opportunities, I would come out of it with just this amazing experience and amazing potential for the future.
And it really wasn't as high stress, high pressured as I was making it out to be. And that's okay, right? A lot of this is learning in hindsight and what I hope to be able to pass down to future kids and nieces and nephews and to be able to give that guidance. But this can be something where we really, we don't know what we want and it can be really hard to figure that out. And so often what we want is for other people to change, for other people to choose us, for other people to stop treating us poorly. We want the good without the bad. And part of waking up to abuse is often we have to accept and acknowledge what is. And that can be really hard coming out of it and out of survival mode. We really want to focus on creating this place of peace and acceptance around what is right now, while also holding space for the vision and what you want.
And the really cool thing too is that as I take clients through this, it's often something where we can take a one year future vision and do it in six months. We can take a three year vision and do it in two. And that is the beauty of this. And so often it is not about creating a quote, smart goal or the right goal. This is not about goal setting. This is a reclamation. This is reclaiming your wants, your, your desires, the vision for your life. That's what this is all about. And so this workshop is live Saturday, January 3rd. It'll be at 7am Pacific, 10am Eastern. So I know it's a little bit early for those Pacific coasters, I get that. Sorry.
But just wanting to do it, I find that I am the most awake, the most alert. I have the most kind of bandwidth in the morning to be able to play in division. And my intention with this is that it just gets you started.
It is that foundational piece for starting to think and play with ideas. And so a replay will be available. But it's something that you can let simmer over the weekend, over the coming weeks. Because here's the thing too is like everything doesn't need to start January 1st, right? We love it when things can start on the first of the month, when things can start on a Monday. But in all reality, it doesn't have to start on a Monday or on the 1st. Give yourself time to let things simmer and you can also start taking action towards certain goals or certain ideas, certain desires, while trusting and knowing that maybe we only have part of it. And it's like I take action and then the next step will reveal itself.
So one of my beliefs is that clarity comes from taking action. And sometimes we just have to get started. We just have to jump in and start doing something, start moving towards those goals that we want. And then as we get going, we're going to refine and get clearer and clearer on what we want. We'll be able to pivot, we'll be able to see, oh, no, that's not what I want over here. I want to change course and change direction. I want to go this way instead.
But we have to start from survival to desire. Is what we're doing right? Breaking out of survival mode and heading into desire, leaning into what is it that you actually want and giving yourself permission to want it and to create it. I've intentionally designed this to help people who feel disconnected from their desire, the direction or clarity, and to help them relearn how to want again, how to tap into that desire, how to figure out what it is that lights them up without guilt, without fear, without pressure. And then we're going to translate that into a really solid, grounded, one year and three year vision that you can start implementing immediately. By the end of this workshop, you're going to stop saying I don't know what I want, and you're going to start seeing your future with clarity, self trust and permission. Without forcing yourself to be someone you're not, without forcing yourself to be somebody else's dream girl, forcing yourself to be who they want you to be. You'll leave with a clear vision and path. And if you want support in bringing that vision to life, then you'll also know exactly how we can do that together.
But the idea here is that I'm going to take you on a group journey. And this is typically what I do with one on one clients, but we're going to do it as a group. I've refined my process slightly from what I've done with clients last year. And so everyone is invited and this is what we're going to do together. The intention here is you can take it and run with it. We're going to look at obstacles. We're going to look at challenges. If you want to just take it, you will be set up to be successful.
But in order to work through the trauma, the mindset, the emotional capacity, the blocks, the challenges that come your way, what I have found is that it is best to have a coach and a community to help guide you on that. But at the end of the day, that's your decision. You get to decide what's best for you.
So this is different than your traditional goal setting approach. This is not about smart goals. This is not about goals where you never fail or you never miss expectations. And this really isn't about helping you to decide faster or how to write it in a way where it's now quote, perfect. I'm going to help you feel safe wanting to feel safe, acknowledging and letting yourself speak that out loud. To believe it, to say it, to put it down on paper.
I'm gonna help you separate conditioning from the truth.
To stop outsourcing your desire and that inner knowing to somebody else or to multiple other people. We don't need to outsource our desire and let groups decide. We don't need friends, we don't need family members weighing in on what our goals should be. No, no, no. You get to decide that. This is where we rebuild that self authority. I'm gonna teach you how to trust that. It's also not about having that perfect goal where we never fail, where missed expectations don't exist because they're going to happen. This is about creating a simple plan that you can execute on consistently, not just in January, but throughout the entire year. And identify potential obstacles and roadblocks now, plus a plan to overcome them.
So your trauma triggers, mindset and beliefs, your emotional capacity. Because so often we try to create plans and goals in a vacuum, right? It's how we often do weight loss. It's how we unintentionally set goals in all other areas. We don't plan on real life. We don't plan for the challenges, the setbacks, the obstacles. We don't plan for the unknown, just like we don't plan for the known. And this is where we have to get really clear on, okay, what is likely to happen. What do we know is likely to get in our way? And this is gonna come up in all areas of life, but this is so we don't get so frustrated. I remember when I was married and my ex would create these budgets, but he would create like a very perfectionist diet plan type of budget. It was not a real life budget. It didn't account for things that came up quarterly. It didn't account for like the dog vet bills and medicine, and it didn't account for maybe extra spending when one of us got sick. There were certain aspects where it's like, he's not accounting for real life. So in his mind he's like, look at all this extra money we have. And then when instead of 2,000 left over every month, we have 500, in his mind he's like, what the hell? Something has gone seriously wrong. But really nothing has gone wrong. He just wasn't planning for real life. And he would get so upset and so off that we only had 500 left over at the end of the month instead of 2000, when really he just had unrealistic expectations. He had to change the expectations. He didn't have to get so frustrated and worked up. That now becomes our job. That's what we get to do.
So this is where it's not just about setting the goal, but also looking at how you're going to achieve that goal, how you're going to accomplish it, and knowing that it has to fit your season of life. Like my season right now, there are going to be some weeks where I can be highly productive and some weeks where I can't. Having a 5 year old is fantastic. He's so much fun. It's a great season of life and it can also be challenging. It can also be a lot. And single parenting right now, like that can be a lot. I don't have to make that a problem, but I want to plan for that. I want to plan for the travel, I want to plan for the holidays. I plan for these things to happen. And I also leave some space and some wiggle room for things that I also don't expect.
That way, when something comes up, my brain isn't freaking out thinking, oh no, this shouldn't be happening. I'm thinking, this is right on track. I'm right on track. This is right on plan. Of course some stuff was going to happen that I wasn't expecting, that I wasn't going to know. And it brings us out of that fight or flight because it's like anything that throws us off of our normal plan can throw us into a trauma response. Because in our brain we go so quickly to, oh no, I missed one day, I missed one meal, I missed one thing. And now it has forever ruined the rest of this quarter, the rest of the month, whatever it is. We don't have to let these small obstacles derail entire days, weeks, months. We we just get right back on track and we don't get so caught up in the timeline. And I think that is one of the hardest things for us to do, is to be committed to a goal, yet detached from how it happens and how fast it happens. That is one of the more coachy concepts that I get into and that really becomes our work.
But there are a lot of reasons why wanting feels hard, and there's a lot of trauma reasons, if I'm being honest. There are a lot of reasons as to why wanting things has been such an obstacle, or identifying what we want, saying what we want, believing that it's okay. And so we're going to dive deeper into these aspects in the workshop. But just as a little snapshot, I want to share a little bit more about some of these ideas and how they show up. So the first one is the fear of disappointment, fear of disappointing yourself, fear of disappointing others. And I'm going to do a whole separate podcast on this. I've been thinking about it and working with clients on it for several weeks now.
This is often one of the biggest challenges for us is we feel responsible for other people feeling disappointed. And so we try to control ourselves and what we do and what we achieve so that nobody else feels disappointed. But we're also very resistant to feeling disappointment. Ourselves and disappointment. It usually isn't the issue that typically, while we can feel down, it's not this big heavy emotion. It is often a domino. It is one of those initial dominoes that can knock over a lot of others that have us feeling really down, discouraged. We can have a lot of self doubt, it can trigger failure, shame, inadequacy, all of the ways in which a narcissist used to control you. And so this is really about us reclaiming our own goals, reclaiming our own failures, reclaiming how we think about this and what we make it mean. Disappointment in and of itself is usually not the problem. It's that we feel guilty if we're disappointing others. And we feel guilty even if we're disappointing ourselves. Or we feel such shame, such self loathing, such neglect, if we let ourselves down, if we don't hit our own goals. And so a big piece of this and the process is really learning how to have your own back. How do you go with yourself through the failure, through the mistakes, through the missteps, and actually be able to learn from it. And the antidote to shame is self love and compassion. And if we are on a goal to achieving something, we also have to get curious and Evaluate what's working, what's not working, what continues to get in my way, where am I getting stuck? And giving yourself permission to focus on one thing at a time, not trying to change, not to trying too much, too fast, because that just creates more trauma, especially around dieting. But we can also have this fear of wanting too much or a fear of wanting the wrong thing. And so we will tamp down and kind of stuff down the desire and the wants. Because if you're anything like me, you were likely shamed for what you wanted. You were shamed for wanting more, for wanting better, for wanting different. You were told that you were being unrealistic or you were delusional or why can't you be grateful for what you have? You shouldn't want more, you shouldn't want bigger, you shouldn't want better, you should be grateful for what you have, you should be content, right? And now there's this moral aspect that gets put on. Well, if you are a good Christian, if you were a good mother, if you were a good wife, then you should want these things, you should do these things. You should be more content, more satisfied. Don't rock the boat, don't get too big, don't take up too much space, don't be too loud. It's really this stuff yourself down, fit in this little box that is more palatable and more acceptable to other people. And now you're safe.
And now we're going to learn how to break out of that. But we have to create a lot of safety. There has to be mental, emotional, physical safety to be able to do that. We want to understand why it feels so hard. This is why, this is why this, these are the things that get triggered. This is where self sabotage comes up, is because we aren't realistic with this.
But we can have a fear of wanting and not following through, like a lack of self trust and self belief. We can have a fear of outgrowing people, so potentially abandoning others, which leaves us feeling guilty. Nope, can't do that. That sucks. Or we feel abandoned by others, even if we're the ones outgrowing them.
And this is really interesting because this is how I felt. I very much outgrew my ex husband and yet I also felt very rejected, very unwanted, very abandoned. In the divorce that I initiated, like I still had those emotions and those triggers that came up because he didn't want me, he didn't fight for me. I realized he didn't really love me. It was a really hard truth to accept.
But at the same Time. I also had years of evidence as to how that was actually true. And it just, it hurt, it was heavy, it was a lot. And so much gets really woven into these aspects around goals.
And you may have also been told like, you're not good enough, you're really not that smart, you're not that great. You should just set your sights a little bit lower. Don't go for something too big, right? We have other people saying, nope, stay in this little box. Color in these little lines. Don't get too big, don't get too loud, don't be too much. It's this weird balance of we are too much and yet not enough at the same time.
And it sucks. We can't do anything right.
Some questions for you to think about and to journal on and meditate on would really be what was safe to want or to have?
And question two is what was not safe to want or to have?
Because there inevitably are going to be programs that we downloaded that we picked up from other people. And sometimes it was from family members, sometimes it was from teachers or pastors, or it may not have just been your ex, but that definitely can come into play.
What you were allowed to want, what you were allowed to have, what you should be wanting, should be having. It's like we wash out the vibrancy of who we are and our personality because we're trying to be the good one, the good wife, the good Christian, the good mom. And so this workshop is strategically designed to address the gaps in most goal setting approaches.
We are going to focus on restoring self trust, not just creating clarity. Yes, we want some clarity and awareness of where we want to go, but, but you need to build the self trust to get there and some self belief that you can do it too. I'll help you soothe your nervous system before creating the vision because this is how we get anywhere. We have to identify, allow and process through thoughts and emotions before creating something new. So we make peace with and accept what is now the good, bad, the ugly in order to create the change that we really want.
And this is a done with you process. It honors the parts of you that are hesitant, fearful, scared, uncertain, doubtful.
Instead of shaming them or trying to bulldoze over them as if they don't exist. Again, that is why self sabotage comes up is because we just try to bulldoze over it. It's like we look at these diet plans and we're like, oh yeah, sure, I could totally do that. In the back of your mind you're like, oh hell No, I am not giving up my mochas. Oh, absolutely not. And sometimes it truly is like we just have the best of intentions. We're like, oh yeah, I can go from binging every day to just eating two squares of dark chocolate. Yeah, that should be realistic, right? And logically, maybe it does make sense, but that's not how it actually works.
So if you want to stop binging rather than thinking that you can just go cold turkey, it hasn't happened yet. Promise you it's probably not going to happen again because it is not a food problem, it's not a food issue. It is an emotional capacity issue. It's an under feeling issue.
And a lot of times we are really afraid to feel. We're afraid of the physical sensations in our body. We are afraid of what certain things are going to mean about us, about our lovability, about our acceptance, our place in this world. There's such a domino effect and like this ripple effect around what these aspects mean and say about us. And for some of us, part of this might be breaking out of survival mode. It might be really making peace and changing your divorce story and no longer being the victim, no longer feeling guilty for the divorce. Maybe your growth is to feel proud of your divorce, to feel proud that you left, to feel proud that when you realized how bad it was, you got your kids out, even if they were adults, even if they were in high school, no matter how old or how young you left, for them, to give them a better life, a better chance at creating healthy relationships and to see healthy relationships and dynamics, that is my goal for everyone. That's very much how I feel about my divorce. And it is very contrary to how a lot of churches and Christians and various religious communities view divorce. It is often very shameful. It's very much something's gone wrong. It's a failed marriage, like the way that we talk about it is horrific. And while nobody ever sets out and intends to get divorced when we get married, that definitely was not my desire. And for a long time I told myself that was not an option, but I had to put it on the table because I had to realize that what we wanted were vastly different. And how he was treating me was not okay. And I can be proud of that. I can be proud of that decision.
And for some of you, it is the emotional blockages. It's these emotional blocks getting in the way of truly listening for hunger, of breaking free from emotional eating and binge eating habits. Yes, we can start with healthy habits and incorporating healthy habits into your lifestyle. But if you really want to address this, you really want to work on it, we have to address the emotions, we have to address the trauma. We have to focus on the healing side of things, not just what you put in your mouth, but I'm going to help you to create a process, to make action plans that are realistic, that fit your real life, not the perfectionist fantasies that we like to plan for. Or this idea of, oh, yeah, I'm going to wake up at 4:30am every day and go to spin class.
You do it for a week or two and then you're like, f this, I'm tired, someone's sick, dog's puking, there's traffic project at work now there's travel, bad weather. All of the things, right? We like all of these obstacles get in the way because it was not realistic. Too much, too fast, too soon. We just create more trauma for ourselves.
And I want to help you to create a plan and create it in a way that feels good, that feels realistic, that feels like you can implement it, that you know the steps to actually focus on and where to put the energy, what that path looks like, right? Because we could know, okay, I'm on this mountain right here, and I want to get to that mountain over there. But we don't always know the steps in between.
And so I'm going to help you to bridge that gap and to build out that bridge of what does that actually look like? But there's a lot of the mental and emotional game of I start taking action and I start to believe in myself.
Even when I don't have the, quote, evidence to. Even when I don't have the evidence to know 100% that it's going to work out, I believe that it will, no matter what. I believe that it's inevitable even when I don't have the proof that it is inevitable. And that is hard. That is a hard place for us as humans to get to because our human brain is wired to keep us safe, to avoid negative emotions, to avoid pain or the threat of pain. And that's okay. But we have to learn how to work with our brains, with our psychology, with our trauma, in order to create this big, bold, amazing life. And I'm going to help you to create a better sense of what it means to truly have your own back, to not throw yourself under the bus, to really learn how to advocate for your wants, your needs, how to evaluate, how to love yourself through the failures, how to love yourself through the mistakes, through the missteps.
And how to keep thinking nice of yourself, how to think better of yourself on purpose, with intention.
You'll learn how to handle missteps and those missed expectations, unexpected challenges that come up. So I'm going to drop a link in the description. You'll have that there so you can register for this workshop. It is going to be about an hour. It'll probably be 60 to 90 minutes Saturday morning. If you can't join me live, there will be a replay. But this is there as a done with you experiment. So for those of you who can make it live, you will get opportunities to ask questions, to get coaching, to work through it. And that's the whole point of this, is to really let things start to simmer, to sink in. That way you can look at it in the morning and maybe you go back to it Saturday night or maybe you go back to it Sunday. You give yourself some time and space to do this, to let it really sink in.
Give yourself permission to decide and you can later give yourself permission to change your mind. That is a healthy thing to do. Permission to pivot, permission to shift, permission to do things a little differently.
All right. It's gonna be awesome. I'm super pumped. I've not done this in a group setting before. Parts of it I have done as workshops for different companies around the country, which has been really cool. I've done some of this work with one on one clients, but I'm now bringing together a couple different aspects all into one workshop that will likely become an annual thing. So this is the start of something new and fun and really designed to help you start thinking bigger. To think about this year, to think about 2028, to start thinking about 2030 and what life looks like, what changes between now and 2028 and 2030, what are the differences? How do things evolve? How do they keep getting better and better? I'm going to also teach you when you aren't sure exactly what something's going to look like, how you can still do this in a particular area. So I look at, for me, I don't know exactly where I'm going to be living, but I know the feel, I know the vibe, the ambiance, the style. I know parts of what I want so I can put that in. So whether I've bought a house or I'm renting or maybe I'm living in another state or in another country, no matter what, there are still aspects that I can focus on creating and bringing to life.
Manifesting, if you will. Oh my gosh. I have the funniest manifesting story from playing cards. I will share that as well. But for now, this is it. I hope you all had a fantastic holiday season and are ready to jump into this new year and to do it with purpose and passion and the self belief and the self trust that you truly can create the life and the body you crave.
If you want some help, I'll show you how.
All right, make sure you save your spot and I will see you Saturday.
Here's to creating the life and body you crave.
[00:26:22] Speaker A: If this episode resonated with you, it's time to break free from destructive cycles around food, alcohol and toxic relationships. Your next step Book your free Break the Cycle call where you'll finally see why your binge eating and relationship patterns are so deeply connected and how to break free from both for good.
You'll walk away with fierce clarity and a game plan to step into a life full of fun, adventure and self love. Grab your spot now at www.bodyucrave.com BTC.
It's time to break the cycle.
[00:26:58] Speaker B: I'll show you how.
