170. Activating the Intelligence of Your Trauma with AnneMarie Tortorigi

[00:00:02] Speaker A: Ready to lose 40 plus pounds without giving up happy hours, weekend brunches, or date nights. Then it's time to uncover the hidden link between binge eating and toxic relationships. And finally break free from both. Welcome to the Hungry for Love podcast with Jillian Scott. Y' all ready? Let's fucking go. Oh, my gosh, y', all, I am so freaking jacked to bring you this episode. This is the first guest that I've had on since 2021. So this is a very special pivotal moment. And also know that you know there are going to be some bugs and some kinks that we have to work out as I start doing some more of these guest shows. But I was so blessed and so honored to have Annemarie as the first. After a long hiatus from having guests on the show. And we are diving into the topic of trauma and deciding how you want to think about it and how you want to use it for yourself, she asks some really pivotal questions around what is this trauma trying to awaken within you? Because it will break you open in all the best ways. The biggest piece that I took away from our conversation was that your trauma can be for you. It doesn't have to be against you. It doesn't have to be a reason as to why you're a victim or why you can't. It doesn't have to hold you back. It doesn't have to be kind of the peak pivotal moment in which your life is now on a decline. What if this lit you up? What if this forever changed you and you catapulted forward, bigger, better, higher than ever? There can be pleasure in the transformation. There can be pleasure as we walk through and navigate the fire. This was such an incredible conversation. I can't wait to share it with you. So without further ado, let me introduce you to one of my good friends, Annemarie. And if you have not taken her yoga class at phase three here in Huntsville, join me in Madison Mondays at 4:30. Or she teaches at the Jones Valley location. 4:30 on Thursdays. I will put all of her links in the show notes as well. Make sure you follow her on Instagram and check out her Peak Valley Creations shop. She has some of the best stuff, y'. [00:02:12] Speaker B: All. [00:02:13] Speaker A: Okay, let's get into it. All right, so why don't you introduce yourself for us? [00:02:19] Speaker B: Awesome. I'm so happy to be here. So I'm Annemarie, and I've had the pleasure of getting to know Jillian through my yoga class. And so that's a big aspect of who I Am. But recently when I've been asked this question in the past, it's been something that has been really difficult for me to answer until recently. And I've had a lot of time. I just turned 34 yesterday. So I've had, yes, happy birthday. I've had some real adult years to figure it out, which is always a refining process. I don't ever think that we land on who we are, if you will. [00:02:50] Speaker A: Because it's growing and evolving. Yeah. [00:02:54] Speaker B: And so leaving it open ended, I think is really important when answering that question because it's, you know, who I am today is going to look very different than who I am tomorrow, who I am next week, next year. But I would say if I had to put it in words. And I actually did an Instagram post on this the other day which was really fun. I grew up riding horses. I'm a horse girl. And since being home, I've gotten to reconnect with a childhood friend who I grew up riding with. And so it's allowed me to immerse myself back in that world and ride again consistently. And so it's really just like a full circle moment for me and my horses growing up. They taught me everything. And they taught me everything. Not using language, but it was like I've been reading energy since before I learned how to walk. Seeing the way that is translated into who I am today has been a beautiful full circle moment because it's like it's. I've carried with me the wisdom that was really given to me through these animals and helped me to evoke in myself if I had to put it in a word. Landing the plane here, I consider myself like a wrangler of sorts, meaning I am not here to keep you safe. I'm not here to keep you comfortable. If anything, I'm here to break you. Right. And raping you is in quotations because. And that's really going to be such a beautiful kind of transition into trauma. Because I think that we hear that word and a lot of people brace and it's. There's this association with, oh, I'm a broken person. And it's all about perception. Right. Because trauma is never really about pain, but it's about how we perceive it. And so my role in the world has really evolved to be. I've considered myself a death doula of sorts. There's many different ways that we die. I think life is a continuous rebirth cycle that we move through. And my life experiences and the gifts that I have to offer because I've Spent a lot of time in very dark places is a hand holding of sorts. I can't do it for you, but I think that I have a real natural ability to hold the flashlight in the dark as someone's moving through these experiences. Because it's messy when you allow yourself to get to that place of real rawness and it's not pretty. And as women, we're really taught to. To keep it together, be demure, to be something that's palatable and it's. [00:05:24] Speaker A: Yeah. To have certain emotions at certain times. How you're allowed to feel, how you should feel. [00:05:29] Speaker B: A lot of you, if you don't question. A lot of just mixed messages. And how we are taught to handle our emotions and what they mean. The way that society has labeled us and inherently we've labeled ourselves, which. [00:05:42] Speaker A: Yes. [00:05:43] Speaker B: See, I'm a wrangler of sorts. Jillian. [00:05:45] Speaker A: I like it. I like it. [00:05:47] Speaker B: It's really become this. Oh. Because it's been really hard for me to name it, but I have experiences in many different types of spaces, if you will, and like the healing world and have experienced many different things myself. I've done a lot of work with plant medicine. I've done a lot of work without it. I've done a lot of work in the trauma space. And the way that I've learned is mostly like on my own. I'm like a lone wolf in that way. And I think that my upbringing, it's like I didn't have friend groups, I had my horses. Yeah, really. I've been used to isolation and now that's great all the time. And so I had to really learn how to also ask for help and receive help, which is its own conversation, if you will. [00:06:28] Speaker A: And that is so common for women too. And especially women having been through trauma. That is such a defining characteristic that I see with so many clients is how hard it is to ask for help. And even when they hire me and then they still feel bad messaging me on voxer or sending an email or things like that, it's. I don't want to bother you. I feel guilty taking up your time. There's this dichotomy, I think, that we get pulled in around not wanting to do it on our own and also feeling pressured like we should have figured this out. There's a problem with you if you haven't. Or something's wrong with you if you can't do it on your own. Because we look around and it seems like on the outside other people are all doing it. And so it's that comparison trap we get into as well. Yeah. [00:07:10] Speaker B: And we're not meant to do it on our own. And then you look at our society at large, and we are, especially in this country, we have removed this, like, tribal aspect of really our nature. Like we were meant to have family close by. We'll have to do another episode on just that alone because get here. [00:07:29] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:29] Speaker B: And I think that that's an important question because we have to know how we got here in order to make the appropriate steps and how to fix it. [00:07:37] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:07:38] Speaker B: Not just for ourselves, but like collectively. This. This topic of trauma is so much bigger than the individual experience and the way that it impacts our families, our communities, our world at large, and the way that we interact with each other and our ability to get our needs met every. [00:07:55] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I know there have been some people on Instagram or Facebook, I've seen people resharing posts or reels about how it. People will just say trauma's fake. It's just an excuse. It's a reason for you to cry or a reason for you to hate your dad, or it's like they just gaslight you. I think there's no validation or even maybe a desire to understand. And it's like they're looking at it from the lens of maybe one person. And so the. And the way that this is ultimately going to flow, I think today is what is trauma? How do we define it and talk about it and then also how do we work through it? Because now we are grown ass adults. Now we can recognize what contributed to trauma, why we have certain patterns and behaviors. But I don't get to keep blaming my dad. I don't get to keep blaming my mom. I also have my own responsibility to look at what continues to hold me back. Part of this for me has been redefining how I think about and how I see trauma, how I talk about it, for sure. And also knowing there are some people that are ignorant who want to speak on the topic and that's okay. That's their right here in the US Especially if they can speak to it. And I also know that I can turn them off or I don't have to agree with this lens of it's fake, it's not real, it's just an excuse. But I see trauma not just as well what happens to you, but what you made an event mean, what you made different circumstances mean. How would you define trauma, though? What is your take on it? Because I know it's so hard, I think, to try to Define or encapsulate all of it. But how would you do that? [00:09:28] Speaker B: Yeah, I think it's. I think it's important. And I love that this is the question because like you just mentioned, we live in a world now, especially with social media, where a lot of these words become clickbait, if you will. [00:09:42] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:09:43] Speaker B: And so companies like Hot Topics and this word is more thrown around than ever. And that's okay. But let's really get to the bottom of what are we talking about here? And like you said, like, what is trauma actually? And the reality is, and we've talked about this before, nobody comes here with a get all jail free card. The birth experience in itself is traumatic. Right. We're born into trauma. We are. That is something that is just of design, really. And I think that's a beautiful segue into my definition of trauma because it is by design, and it's not so much about pain as it is perception. And when we look at trauma, the lens of it not being about necessarily like fixing anything, it's not about fixing what's broken, but more about decoding what's been hidden. It's an opportunity to awaken. So if we think about trauma as like encrypted intelligence that is basically communicating with data or codes, if you will. Right. Put the quotation, because I'm going to define what codes means in a minute. But those encrypted messages, they're carrying the lessons of our soul. It's carrying what we are here and meant to learn, to move through, to experience. So when we can look at it through that lens. And that's not to say that horrible things do not happen. Right. But it is our relationship with those things and understanding not about why me, but what is this trying to awaken in me? What do I need to receive from this? I don't believe that we're broken, and I don't believe that trauma comes into our lives with the intention of breaking us. But like I said, it's an awakening. It's an opportunity to awaken. It's the right amount of pressure that cracks the surface of who you thought you were into the depth of who you actually are. And those traumatic experiences are necessary. It's necessary pressure. It's like it's a refinement process. We have to have those experiences in order to get the depth of who and what we actually are. For that to really emerge. What is in us that we are meant to give to the world, which is really all of our. What we're after. It's like we all came here with something very special to offer the world. I do believe that we all have a very unique soul blueprint, if you will. It's like a fingerprint. And there's no one that can do you like you. And I think that unfortunately, most people live very surface level. A, how we define trauma, and B, how we're treating it, which is trauma is something. It's an opportunity to be a victim. It's an opportunity to deflect and to blame, to victimize yourself. And then what do we do with the side effects of trauma, the heavy emotions that can come with those experiences? We medicate you. We numb you out, which means we're living at surface level. So we have a bunch of people out here just floating around when we don't understand why trauma exists in the first place and what it's actually here, the gift that it's here to give us. And so I mentioned, I wanted to talk about what those codes are, right? If trauma is this encrypted intelligence or data or codes, if you will, what are the codes and what does that actually mean? And I think it's the codes can be considered like the hidden intelligence that lives inside our experiences. It's the wisdom, it's the gift. It's like the take your medicine, right? It's taking something really shitty that happened to you and being able to alchemize it into a real treasure that you're then able to offer in the world. And there's no greater codes that we can uncover than painful ones, because those are the ones that usually they hit the hardest. And so what seems like it could be really cruel or random, is actually embedded with instructions. Every experience is embedded with instructions. You could consider it like our soul technology, if you will. And it's meant to awaken a certain capacity in you. And so no one can define these codes for you. That's up to you. And we'll get into how you do that. But, for example, you experience abandonment in your life, right? Maybe abandonment equals more self love or self trust. Or you've experienced betrayal. Maybe the betrayal was a code for discernment. Every single experience offers a nugget of wisdom. But the thing with that, and once again, we live in a very entitled culture of things just given to us. Codes are not just given to you just because you listened or you experienced a horrible traumatic event. And there's wisdom embedded in this. There's information waiting for you. There's codes waiting to be uncovered. They're not just given to you. You have to engage with it. You have to work with it. [00:14:34] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:34] Speaker B: And that's where I think the magic happens. And that's where a lot of people fall off, especially in the whole victimhood mentality. It's. You can't no longer be a victim and play that card if you actually use your trauma for what it's for. And that card doesn't really hold any weight anymore because there's something bigger on the other side of being a victim that's so much better than the victim card. So much bigger, so much better. So much more fruitful, purposeful. It's the whole cliche turning our pain into purpose. Yeah, for sure, for sure. That's exactly like what we're supposed to be doing. And so it's. How do we engage with that? How do we engage with our experiences with these codes, if you will, that we've been given through our traumatic experience. And that's where creativity comes in. Embodiment comes in. Movement, yoga, exercise or spiritual practices, whether that's church or what have you. Those are the ways that we engage with what's happened to us and are able to translate these raw experiences into usable wisdom. But you have to do something about it. Like you have to engage with it. [00:15:42] Speaker A: Yes, that's the work. The work is that internal mental, emotional side of things. That internal game and the willingness to have the self love and the compassion to be willing to look at your shadow sides, to look at the hard stuff. [00:15:56] Speaker B: Just because you went through something shitty doesn't mean you're entitled to the wisdom that it holds. Yeah. [00:16:00] Speaker A: Yes. Yeah. [00:16:02] Speaker B: And that's where I think people fall off. It's like we said, trauma doesn't make you special. We want it to. Yes. Someone's always going to have it worse. There's always be. It's like the game of comparison. You just, it's just stop playing the game point. We're all moving through some stuff. Okay. It doesn't any of us special now. There's hierarchy to it. Sure. But all of it once again is subjective. So you are going to waste so much energy and time and the comparison game when it's if we just see this as what it is and using our experiences to gain more and more wisdom. It's like I do really see us as like this little vessel that we're in is very much like equipped with ancient knowledge and it is a God technology. We are made of God. There is so much embedded within us that is just waiting for us to uncover and the ways that we uncover it Are these practices. But also, trauma's an amazing tool. Flip the script on what it is. [00:16:58] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:16:59] Speaker B: And then you can really start to embrace your experiences because you recognize whether they're good or they're bad, they're here for you. [00:17:06] Speaker A: Yeah. And I like what you said about the painful triggers will wake you up. It is sometimes the pain and the hard that really activates our consciousness. It takes it out of the subconscious and out of the autopilot and the default. And it makes us pay attention. Attention in a way that we might not have before. And we can be angry or upset or we can blame God or the universe or something or someone else, or we can see it as this is where I needed to be in order to get to a place where I was ready to look at it or I was ready to change or I was ready to do the work, to decode these patterns and to figure out what's actually playing. [00:17:41] Speaker B: Yeah. And the intention of trauma was never meant to break you. Like you just said, it is an awakening. It's really an initiation, if you will, into more. Just like uncovering who and what you are. So if we think about it as if trauma activates codes, then embodiment turns them into intelligence. So the 2 and 2 work hand in hand. And that's a beautiful thing. And so if trauma is going to remain as it should, because it is a gift, let's reclaim it. It's really like an act of reclamation. It's taking something that has gotten a really bad reputation. And let's redefine it. Let's really understand what trauma is. Because like we said, we all have it inescapable for good reason. And that's where it's like, yeah, hell, yeah. That hurt. But what did I gain through that? And what is it here trying to awaken in me? And it's not a linear process. You mentioned the working out. People get really caught up in the metrics of things. And I had this kind of like, epiphany the other day because my relationship with movement has also evolved. Right. I think as women, we get really, unfortunately drawn into this world that measures our worth through the number on a scale. So then our relationship with movement, with our bodies, is really tainted in that way because we're not relating to it in a way where we are seeing it as like, the sacred vessel that it is. And we're punishing it. [00:19:10] Speaker A: Yes, yes. [00:19:11] Speaker B: And I think that's a big thing. And like, this trauma isn't punishment. It's communication. That's a whole Nother conversation. Because we've been punishing ourselves in many different facets in many different ways. And as women, I think, yeah, it's like, what's the number on scale look like? There's a time and place for metrics and goal setting and things like that. But when I really look at just the body as this beautiful communication vessel that it is, and the way that movement and moves through us and has the ability to really heal, help us unlock some of these codes. Your relationship with the movement has to change. Because it's not about perfection. It's not about how it works. It's a divine communion with yourself. [00:19:53] Speaker A: I love what you said there about. It's the intention underneath it. It's not just the action or the habit or what you're doing. It's why I talk about that frequently. It's not just what you put in your mouth. I want to know why. I don't care what you're eating. Tell me why you are. Because that's going to tell me a whole lot more. Just if it's exercise, I can be doing yoga or body P jump or running or something because I'm trying to make up for what I ate the day before. Or I could be doing it because it feels good, because it's a way to challenge myself, because it's fun, because it energizes me rather than tears me down, you know? And so it's not always about the what we're doing as much as why. And we don't always have to change the what. Sometimes it really is that underlying piece of why. [00:20:35] Speaker B: And I think that the world that we're living in right now, we are alive in a wild time. And I think as we see just things beginning to unfold, our relationships with the humanness of who and what we are will be key and so important, which is the feeling side. It's the subtleness, it's the softness, it's the body's wisdom. It's looking at the body as a sacred text that is communicating with you always. Like we are always in conversation. And that's really when I think about what embodiment is and before the call, like sitting with that. Because that word's been thrown around a lot, not just for myself, but out in the world. And a definition on it continues to evolve. But I think of embodiment as it's listening back through the body. Right? So if the mind interprets. The mind is knowledge. The mind is there for interpretation. The body translates. And every emotion that we experience is a For a reason. Every emotion's for a very good reason. And it's a message from our soul. If we can look at it like that. Life becomes more of an ongoing conversation than just a concept. And that's huge. Yeah, that's huge. That's where we start to really understand the language of the soul. So embodiment is all unique to you. The way my body speaks to me is different than yours and his and hers. And so it's our responsibility to engage with and to have conversation with and to learn how to listen to that language. And the mind is an essential piece of that. The mind is a great tool. And so it's the bridge between knowing and becoming. It's the bridge of those two worlds and learning how to allow them to merge in a way that we can start to decode their messages. Your body's always right, or even just. [00:22:27] Speaker A: To decode that something's not right here. I think that's the other piece that I've really started to lean into, is, like, really listening to my nervous system. And what is my body telling me? What's my heart rate telling me? Things like that. And I've started using it in dating, too, which has been really fascinating because my body. There'll be, like, spiky anxiety, or there'll be tension, or even what seems like a not a big deal of a conversation, but it leaves me with my chest tight and my stomach twirling, and I'm like, ooh, something's not safe. Something's not right about this and this environment or this person. And when we get those indicators early on, I think sometimes it's like, I don't have to know why it's there. I can trust that I need to end it. I need to walk away. And I've done some tests with this, too, where I'll notice it one day, and then I'll just explore. Does this come back up over the next week? And then a couple days later, it's those same sensations come back. And then if something's not right, and even just being able to build that trust in yourself and to listen and to just say, okay, I don't have to know exactly why, and I'm not going to listen to the words. I'm gonna listen to the body. Because it was so interesting. His words were apologetic. They seemed like all the right words, like he was doing the right thing. But it left me with this really uncomfortable sensation in my body to where I was like, no, this is right. [00:23:44] Speaker B: No, I think I love that. I love that. Because I think that is one place that a. We weren't taught in school. [00:23:51] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:23:52] Speaker B: We weren't taught ever to listen to the most divine intelligence that there is, which is the language of no words. And like, to what you were saying, it's learning how to listen to these feelings without them even having to have a name. Words aren't necessary all the time. [00:24:08] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:09] Speaker B: You don't have to just. You feel that's enough. You feel it and that's enough. And you learn to not question or feel like you need to put too much time and trying to translate into something you can articulate to someone. Because that's not what it's about. That's not what it's about. And I think that is huge. And it's also. I wanted to. As you're talking, I was, like, shaking my head because I was like, oh, my God. I think as women or I know. Just speaking for myself. And we've had some conversation just about, like, our past and dating and relationships and things of that nature. When you come from a pretty traumatic childhood and a traumatic. What word am I looking for? Roster, if you will. Yes. [00:24:50] Speaker A: I love that there's never just one. [00:24:54] Speaker B: There's not. And. But unfortunately, yeah. My entire life has been very chaotic to the point where, if we're talking, like in this dating situation, I had to learn that those feelings of excitement, anxiety, and just like, tension in my body, what I once took as. Oh, attraction, even sometimes. Right. That's all that I've known. So it's like that feeling of upset and anxiety that could be maybe considered butterflies or maybe it's a spark. And it's. [00:25:27] Speaker A: Yeah, the spark. [00:25:28] Speaker B: That's like your body being like, pump the brakes and run. [00:25:32] Speaker A: Run. [00:25:32] Speaker B: Yes, run. Get out. And I'm finally in a relationship now where I've never. And that almost. And it scares me, especially at the beginning or experience peace and what that felt like in my body, especially to be in relation with another person. And because it was so foreign, I was like, what is this? Because there has never been these big highs and lows, you know, instability and anxiety and how I felt in my body. And it wasn't even about anything that he said. I said. It's never been about really any of the markers that I've looked to in the past. It's truly just based on a baseline feeling of peace. I'm like, trying to, like, hold myself back from running because I don't know what that feels like. But I've had to really learn. Oh, that's what it is. That's what love feels like. Really? [00:26:26] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:26:27] Speaker B: And we're not really shown safe environments from the world at large and especially our upbringing and the examples of relationships that we've been given. And then, boom, you're an adult. Here you go, play. And you're like, hurt if I'm gonna play with the reflection that I've been given. But that's who. That's our human nature. That's what we do. And you can't blame yourself for that. It's built into our biology. We're meant to take and learn and then go repeat. And so it's like, naturally we would fall into those patterns. And so it's not even something to blame ourselves for. It's more just, oh, wow. The recognition is fun. That's funny. That's fun, right? Yeah. [00:27:07] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:27:08] Speaker B: I can see it in a light now that you're like, oh, right, right. No good. [00:27:14] Speaker A: Yeah. We'll have to do another episode around, like, healthy masculinity and healthy femininity and what does that look like? And even I think toxic masculinity gets thrown around a lot. And I think we maybe don't even have a clear picture of what that is. But when I looked at masculine relationships or relationships with men that I had, I don't have a view of what does healthy masculinity look like. And that plays into the dating, and it stems back from trauma and our childhood and all of these things. So I know when we spoke for the first time a couple months ago, Anne Marie was telling me her story, and it is so inspiring and impactful and just to see what she has been through and, like, the grit and perseverance, like, what you have shown and in your 34 years is, like, a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things, like, a fairly small amount of time. But to have gone through so much and to come out of it so wise, like, I feel like you are such a divine spokesperson to be talking about this and you feel that, but it's. That's what I see. [00:28:16] Speaker B: I do. You what, though? I. I do feel that. And that has taken a long time for me to, like, really settle into and to give myself, really, the credit for it. [00:28:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:28:25] Speaker B: Yeah. Because that's another one that we don't allow ourselves to receive compliments, to really be able to step in to the knowing of the gifts that we introduce the way. There's no. You know what? You're right. [00:28:38] Speaker A: You're right. I am a fucking badass and. [00:28:40] Speaker B: Right, Right. Good. It's funny because before we started recording, I was talking to you. My birthday was yesterday and like totally crashed out yesterday. So I was like, I'm really excited that we get to experience this call together. And it be very raw and uncut because that's really where the magic happens. And we all go through those spirals and those breakdowns and it's not enough to just move through them, numb them out, if you will. I've become really adamant about, okay, here I am crashing out again. [00:29:11] Speaker A: You know, sit down and what does that look like? So do you mind, do you mind sharing and like opening up? Like what is crashing out look like? Because I think sometimes when we think about healing too, it's like, that's not okay. Here's what healing is supposed to look like or what it's supposed to be. So we'll get into more of what have you been doing? But first let's talk about what you. [00:29:29] Speaker B: Want to crash out looks like. [00:29:31] Speaker A: Yeah. What is, what does this first stage look like? And knowing that this is part of the journey and it is moving you forward. [00:29:36] Speaker B: Word. Yeah. And I think it's necessary. We talked about earlier in this conversation. We don't really give ourselves the space and the permission to lose our. [00:29:46] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:29:46] Speaker B: And we've been written off. I mentioned earlier, like every emotion is here for a very good reason. And unfortunately women get written off as. She's just crazy. Yeah. Crazy. [00:29:58] Speaker A: Yep. [00:29:59] Speaker B: And it's okay. And. And there's a reason. There's a reason. There's a reason behind my intensity. There's a reason behind my tears. There's a reason behind this morning that I'm feeling like all of it is for a reason. And you can label it whatever you want. I don't care. And our triggers will come in different forms and there's different reasons and why we're upset about different things. But I think this also gets into which. Yeah, we have many follow up conversations to have because I'm already like riffing in a million directions. But when we talk about just, just being a woman and the way that everything that we experience is magnified 10x a man could never. They'll never understand and we cannot expect them to. We're two completely different creatures. I recently self diagnosed myself but like 100%, I definitely have PMDD and I definitely thought that for a while. Am I bipolar? What is going on? Because my mood swings and the intensity in which I feel things is just so dramatic and almost the point. I'm like, holy, who is this? And then it usually will happen right after I ovulate until I bleed. And it's like, the day that I bleed, it's like the veil is lifted and it's like nothing ever happened. Which obviously makes you feel crazy. [00:31:15] Speaker A: Totally. But that's how our cycles work. That's how every woman's cycles work, and to slightly different extents with what we experience when. But I've even started tracking that with the podcast because there'll be some days where I'm, like, dropping F bombs left and right and I'm like, wait a second, we did this last month. [00:31:34] Speaker B: Totally. Which when I think that. And it plays into trauma. Because, listen, defining trauma as really our ally allows you to carry it into conversations everywhere. Because it's like, it's your buddy. Trauma is like, it's not this. We. We've created such a negative connotation around it. And I don't see it all. And I never have. And I've never felt that I was really broken. I felt that I wasn't being heard first and foremost by myself and then by some of the people around me, partners and family and things like that. But when we talk about, like, our cycle and these waves that we move through and you tie that into trauma, it's like I look at every single month, and every time we hit the luteal phase and get into our bleed cycle, it's a reflection point. It's a report card. Right. How do we do this Month? Month. And every month is different. I'll have some months that are pretty like, yeah, my period's like, that wasn't that bad. And it's really not for me, as much my period as it is like, the two weeks before, they could be absolute hell. But it's always a reflection of what my past month looks like and what I'm going through. But those are, once again, it's all tools. Right? They're all. And so when you are hitting, I'll talk about Crash out in a minute, because that's how this started. But you're hitting a moment where you're just like, I'm done, guns blazing. Right? I'll fucking set the world on fire. That's how I feel. There's a reason for that. And usually it's something. There's inconsistencies throughout the month. There's different things that haven't wrapped up or whatever, but they are always. It's always a report card. It's always a reflection back, because then I'll have months that it wasn't that bad. And I look back at the past month, and, yeah, it's actually, things have been good. [00:33:12] Speaker A: Yeah. Which probably feeds also the crazy. Because it's maybe not every month, all the time. It's like. It's every couple of months. There's maybe like a rough month or, like a rough two weeks that we notice. [00:33:23] Speaker B: Right. It really is a. It's a. It's an invitation to pause. And I try and get better at doing that and to really give myself more grace. Because even if there's nothing I can do about it, and I'm aware of what's going. I'm aware of the things that are happening in my life or the patterns that are continuing or the cycles I haven't broken. I don't necessarily be shown. If anything, it's like I'm aggressively aware of them. So I have to have more grace in allowing these more heavy emotions to move through. And that's where it's like, even last night teaching. I cried all day yesterday, Jillian. I cried all day long yesterday. Lead us into my crash out moment and what that looks like for me. I'm a very, very emotional, and I tend to suppress a lot. And I've had to develop a lot of resiliency, which is a great tool. I'm very grateful for that. But sometimes that means that I have to swallow things that I shouldn't. And I only learned that after the fact. After I've already swallowed it, I'm like, damn, I shouldn't have done that. But it's this kind of, like, build. I'm, like, building all of this pressure. I'm a pressure cooker. And it's like something can set me off. And I like to feel that it's a universal experience with women. And the women that I've talked to, I feel that it is, too. And it's a big difference between actually a man and a woman. A man can be upset about one issue, and it's that issue where that issue triggered me. And it also triggered everything that led up to that issue. Because it's not just about the issue. [00:34:55] Speaker A: No, never. [00:34:57] Speaker B: And we have to really look at how we handle stress and trauma and our triggers and the ways in which we have a very natural and biological tendency to package it all. I'm going to package it all. I'm going to scoop up everything that I can in this moment, which you could also see as. Even for me yesterday. It's a purge, though, and it's a necessary process. And so, yeah, it may look like a crash out. And, yeah, I Am inconsolable. I understand what's going on. And if I have the space. And luckily, I had the space to let myself cry because we don't always have that luxury. And so it's like when you have the space to let yourself lose it, I highly recommend losing it. I let myself cry until, literally, I got the class. Like, my throat was dry. I used to live in Colorado, and I would always run into the same man. He was a Native American man at a coffee shop, and we would run into each other all the time, and we would end up sitting and having conversation, and I would cry. And I'm a crier, so it wouldn't always be sad tears. They were just tears. I'm emotional. And he. One time we were talking, and I reached for a tissue to wipe my face, and he held my hand. He looked at me, he said, never wipe your tears. That's holy water. And it's changed my relationship with crying ever since because we may be the only one that cry. It's just us. Him telling me that. I literally, like, my stomach dropped, and then I burst into tears. But it changed my relationship with. With crying. And he said, when you cry like that, or ever, he said, take your tears and bless yourself. Bless your body. If your children are near, Take your tears and wipe them on your children. Don't bless them and realize that this is spirit, this is God moving through you. And those tears are sacred. And they are. They are. And even me, yesterday, for example, that's the most recent one. I saw it as really the purge that it is, because it wasn't just about. Yeah, there may have been something more recent that triggered it, but it was a collective kind of experience, and it was a deeper mourning. It was a lot of unprocessed pain. Because healing is not. I think we hit on that a while ago, and I don't think I ever landed that plane because we were just talking about, like, healing. Time is not linear, so healing is not linear. [00:37:20] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:37:20] Speaker B: And in a world where there's an. [00:37:22] Speaker A: Order of operation wrapped up. Bo, put it away. [00:37:25] Speaker B: That's Y equals Z. And it's just not how it works. [00:37:28] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. With anything, really. And it's like there can be so many waves of emotions. There can be waves of grief or waves of sadness, and sometimes I think it's waves of longing. It's like wanting something and not having it in this moment. And it's. It just shows us what we want. It shows us what our heart's desiring, and it's sitting with the discomfort and peace knowing that what you want wants you back of what's for you, can't miss you, that it's coming, it's on its way, even if it's not here yet. And there's so much faith and belief that it takes to able to hold space for that and to hold those emotions and know that our tears. [00:38:08] Speaker B: And I love the faith card. And I think that's one that there's no more beautiful way to wrap all of this up. Any conversation that we'll have, not of faith. Because at the end of the day, that is, in my opinion, all that any of us are here to really learn. And that's been my lesson. It'll continue to be my lesson, I think, throughout my entire life. Because I have been through some and it's like I also have always been, always had unwavering faith. And my relationship with God has been the one to really get me through. Yeah, I come from a very like Catholic background. I was raised Catholic. I don't necessarily go to church or identify with that anymore. And after I had this conversation with like my family a lot. It's my relationship with God is not bound by or walls. It's not me going to church that defines my sanctity with spirit. Right. I experience God always, every day. That that communication that we're talking about with our body, with our soul, what embodiment is really just our language that we speak to God itself. It's that. It's the divine communication. And that is what trauma here to give us. Yeah, it's here to just strengthen our communication with source, with our. With God, with our life force. It is truly here for us and it's what keeps us human too. And in a world of artificial intelligence, the only thing that's going to matter is what separates us from that which is our human experience. And what comes with that is trauma. We are born into it. It is our duty is our responsibility to work through it, to decode it, if you will. And some people, you can almost gamify it. Right. Especially if you're like working through some. And it's. What are the codes that were given to me and learning how to just play with it, if anything. It's like I'm not really like super big into any one thing, but like the tarot deck. I don't know much about it, but I do know there is one. It's like the joker card. I think that everything. If I'm not laughing, I'm crying. I'm not crying. Yeah, One of the two, because. And I think that's such an important quality to give people. It's like, none of this is that deep. None of it's that deep. And we tend to take things and just run with them and let it destroy us. And at the end of the day, even, like our worst fears, when you really start stripping it away, like strip it all down, you lose your house, you lose your job, you lose your car. But ultimately, you'll figure it out and you'll be supported in ways. And that's like. Grace has been such a huge theme in my life and the ways grace has come in and it's called me every single time. Every time. You can't plan those things. You can't put it on a quarterly report. We can't measure it. And that scares people. But if you're not scared, then you're not doing it. Right. I hope you're scared. [00:40:49] Speaker A: Right? Yeah. [00:40:51] Speaker B: Excites me when I hear people doing things like, you're scared. Good. [00:40:55] Speaker A: Yeah. Because you're on your growth edge. Like, you're starting to step out of that comfort zone, and you're into that growth zone now, and it's going to feel like new unfamiliar territory, uncharted waters. And it's going to feel a little scary. And I feel like typically there's both. It's excitement and a little bit terrified. It's both together. And can we lean in and allow both of those to be there? But I think that's so beautiful, though, that you had this experience. Experience on your birthday, too, where it's like, can I release and keep releasing the past and be able to step forward now into what does this new year look like? What does this new era look like? [00:41:30] Speaker B: That's really what it was. It was a moment of deep reflection. And I have a tendency to also get very negative. But you also have to allow yourself to go there, right? [00:41:41] Speaker A: Yes. [00:41:41] Speaker B: And I like to really practice with. Because I will say, and I think that I've probably already shown this enough without having to say it out loud, but I'm not really of the love and light space. I don't think everything is just, oh, yeah, it's all, no, it's not. [00:41:57] Speaker A: Right. [00:41:57] Speaker B: No, it's not. [00:41:58] Speaker A: Stop stuffing stuff down. That's why we're eating and drinking and looking for people to numb and soothe and escape is because justify really toxic behavior. [00:42:09] Speaker B: I really like to play with. If I'm going down a negative spiral, I'm like, all right, bitch, take it there. So go off. Take it to the very end. Take it as far as I need to let myself go there, let myself get as dark as I need to, because then it breaks. It always does. But where you will run into trouble is when you try and stop it. When you try and be like, I don't need to think that, I don't need to think like that. You know, I'm just going to call in negative experience, you know, like, I don't need to do that. Maybe you do. When we're talking about really processing emotion, it's like part of that is giving yourself permission to go there, wherever there is. Because there's no hierarchy in it. And we like to label things as good and bad things just are. There's no hierarchy. Now you can definitely learn through love just as much as you can learn through pain. So it's not just that. It's not glorifying pain. And I think some people could twist this into thinking that because it's not. But that's not all that it is. It's about our perception. It's about our relationship with said experiences and emotions. Not glorifying or holding anyone above another. [00:43:15] Speaker A: And knowing when to release it too. I think it's like when you give yourself that space and permission of, I can feel the shame or the self loathing or the regret or whatever it is. I'll feel it as long as needed. There will come a point when you're like, and now I'm done and right, done beating myself up. [00:43:31] Speaker B: I do think that it imprisons people more when they cut it off. And so then it has to carry over. Because you never really like self loathing if you never really just like take an afternoon, you have the time, take it spiral, go there. But if you don't give yourself that space, it carries over the next day and then it just kind of like bites off into these little micro pieces that then you have to carry with you. And so then it's like it's always there because you never really just held. [00:44:01] Speaker A: It and it just runs under the surface like a little volcano gonna explode. [00:44:05] Speaker B: At some point and quite literally hold you hostage. It's all a learning process and a learning curve. And we all have different ways in which we process emotion. There's no right or wrong way or one way of doing anything. And I think that's what's so beautiful and also challenging about people even in like the coaching world, like seeking help. Because oftentimes people want to be told what to do. They want to be told like, just tell me what to do. [00:44:29] Speaker A: Yes. I was thinking about this too. Exactly. [00:44:32] Speaker B: I can give you some ideas or. Tell me how you did that. [00:44:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:44:36] Speaker B: How do you write like that? How do you talk? I can't tell you how I. What I've done, because that is my. That's a language only I can dissect and interpret, but I can show you. And that's what we're talking about, like, wrapping it all into this big, beautiful picture. It's like there are practices and there are ways for you to better get to know yourself so that your innate gifts can emerge. If we could coach or give anyone anything, I can throw out some ideas for you to go play with. But ultimately, for example, I teach yoga. That's how we met at Phase three. And you're not here in Huntsville. It's a great gym, but we have to laugh. I'm like, we're glorified volunteers. I don't get paid. It's not like my job. I don't do it because I'm making money doing it. I'm doing it because I've been teaching for a long time, on and off, and I've had many breaks. But why I keep coming back to. To that practice and inviting a class in to come do it with me. A. That creates a container and an energy and like a force field, if you will. It's like practicing in a group like that is so powerful. It's so potent, and so that's worth more than money to me. So for me, already worth it. But that just happens to be one ways that I've experienced. The language of my soul, which is my form of embodiment, has always been movement. And I'm happy to share that gift with other people who experience themselves in the same way. But that doesn't mean it's for everybody. It doesn't mean that my way is. [00:46:03] Speaker A: The highway, but it is the. It is my favorite class. [00:46:09] Speaker B: It is good. It is good because I know that everyone feels that it's much more than just, we're gonna move through a couple shapes together. It's. No, I think yesterday I talked about. It's a kitchen, and we're all alchemists. And to get to come together in a group like that is such a gift because it does amplify. It does amplify the energy. It amplifies our feelings, our emotions, and our ability to process things. We're supporting each other. And that's where it's like, people come into healing spaces. Church could be looked at the same way. It amplifies that's why prayer is so powerful. That's why us coming together and with a positive intention or whatever, me doing it by myself is great. But if I can get 40 people in a room, that just jacked up the power totally exponentially. And I do think group type activities like that, where you do find things, that people are coming together and they're moving through experiences autonomously but collectively. And I think that's so cool. [00:47:07] Speaker A: And it's like, there's space for new people, right? There have been many times when it's, oh, you need some space? Let me move my mat. Okay, come on, there's room for you here. There's this inclusive environment and it's also challenging. And it's like I often end up next to a girl and she's a former gymnast, and so she's got great range of motion, right? And so I'm like looking over, right, like looking over what she do. Oh, maybe I can get a little bit higher. Maybe I can. It's like, what can I do in a good way? Not in a I suck if I can't, but more in, like that challenging way. And it's this invitation to rise and to level up. And I see it that way. And I think that's what you do such a great job of is making that invitation. And everybody who's in that class, especially the regulars, there's this desire for that invitation to say, let's go. And it's this, come with me. I'm on this journey, Let join me on it. [00:47:56] Speaker B: And it is. It's a pretty accurate reflection of who I am, because I am intense and I see that intensity. There has been, like, seasons in my life, especially, honestly, when I was going through divorce, and we tend to really break ourselves apart. Like, what's wrong with me? And it's the comparison and things of that nature that can get really unhealthy really quickly. And one of those themes for me was like, oh, man, maybe I need to be softer. And my idea, even of what it meant to be feminine as well, out of me stepping more into just who I am. Because the feminine is also intense. I think it's like a mother lion. [00:48:36] Speaker A: Yes. [00:48:37] Speaker B: And it's tough love. [00:48:38] Speaker A: There's a fierceness. [00:48:40] Speaker B: It's tough love. And I think that we have gotten pretty soft in our culture. And as a natural Libra, I strive for balance and I rarely hit it. But it's like there has to be. It's not all about softness. There is a necessary force that is required just as Much as our softness is, and we can't lean too far in either direction. And so it's just a swing of the pendulum. And that's all that we always are on and doing and working towards is like striving. So like, oh, we, we swung way too far that way and then as we did, we way too far the other way. And the prayer is just maybe one day we'll meet in the middle, who knows? But just to be discerning of that and of your own opinions and having your own thoughts and your own autonomy over your experiences. And I think that's really important when it comes to trauma, not letting the world define it for you. [00:49:30] Speaker A: I think one of the journeys and the aspects that I've been on is like, how can I protect my own energy? How do I protect my thoughts, my emotional bandwidth? Because my energy centers are all open. Like when I look at my human design, it's all open. So I take on other people's energy, the emotion, not only as a trauma response, but just as how I'm naturally built and wired. In chess, you protect the queen. And if you think about that now as a woman, it's like you are the queen here. What does it look like to protect you yourself, to protect your energy? Not in a hyper vigilant, I'm afraid of getting hurt, but in a. I'm going to manage my resources, which time, money, energy, my words, my breath. And it's just, it's one of those aspects that we have to redefine and decide for ourselves what that looks like. But I found that to be part of my healing journey is really understanding what does that look like? What does that mean? How do I embody this more? What does that look like? But what about for you? What have been some of the parts of your healing journey outside of yoga, which you've mentioned? [00:50:30] Speaker B: Yeah, that's a great question. Honestly, I've always been pretty introspective, so I've always been, and sometimes to a fault because I can get too deep and too heady and too just wound up in my thoughts. But it's also been a great ally for me. And when I was in Colorado, that was kind of like the peak of, of my. I was gonna say the peak of my trauma, but I don't know, it's hard to say. It's hard to put a peak on it because there's been a lot of like, peaks and valleys. [00:50:57] Speaker A: Maybe it's a range. Yeah, like there's a mountain range. [00:51:00] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm a solid mountain. Range, for sure. A lot of fourteeners. Yeah. [00:51:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:51:06] Speaker B: So I'm an athlete, if you will. Right? Yeah. [00:51:11] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:51:12] Speaker B: That's so funny. Yeah. So anyway, I remember it was definitely at one of, like, my peak valleys, which I'm going to. That's funny, because I actually created a brand. We'll talk this all. This all answers your question. Okay. [00:51:23] Speaker A: Yeah, no, you're good. [00:51:24] Speaker B: But I was at a very low point, and I've been in the wellness world, if you will, for a long time. Since I was, like, 18. My ex husband and I, we were in that space. And so it's like I knew all of the tools. I knew all of the tools, the techniques, the breathing techniques, the meditations. I really had an arsenal at my disposal. Disposal of things that should heal me, should fix me, should make this better. Yeah. And none of it was working. I was like, oh, God. And I remember actually saying that. Oh, God. And really getting to the point of I would wake up with just crippling anxiety, like, from my first breath that I opened my eyes, and it's like, oh, it hit. And it was just debilitating. And I had two small children. They were much younger at the time. I just had a lot on me, and I couldn't afford for that to continue. I was like, I like, God, help me. Like, there has to be some relief here. And I remember it just hit me. I was like, okay, I'm gonna start as soon as I wake up. I forgot which little. It was a guided meditation. It was like, nothing crazy. I think it was, like, on YouTube. But I just needed something, like, as soon as I woke up to break the pattern of the anxiety. Like, my alarm went off, and then I would go straight in this guided tape. And sometimes I would kind of fall back asleep or whatever, but I just knew that I had to, like, get myself patterned. And then, like, during that I started, a word would come through or a question or a phrase, and I would just pin it in my head. And when the tape or the recording was over, I would go to my notes app and I would return to that word or the question that I had. And I never considered myself, like, a writer, and I honestly haven't even read that much. I'm more of, like, a experiential type learner. Yeah, hands on. But anyway, I started just unloading in my notes app, and it was kind of like, wow, this is crazy, because I'd never journaled. I'd never done anything like that. I couldn't stick with the routine in that way. But I just started writing, and there was times where I would definitely write in ways and what would come through I could only describe as channeled because it wasn't me. I had very specific questions for God that weren't necessarily, oh, you know, why is this happening to me? But it was kind of like deeper questions of just like, why am I here? Why are we here? And every day. I did that every day for like a hundred days and didn't have a goal with it, but it was like it held me in that space for roughly that amount of time. And so really what that showed me, too, was like, one, yeah, I definitely had a. I had a lot to say. I had this ability to. To write that I didn't really know that I had. And also it helped unlock my creativity. And when we talk about trauma, things that go offline are our sexuality, our creativity, the things that really connect us to God because our nervous system is shot. So those are first functions that they're not necessary for our survival, and so they're typically blocked. And so it was like a. I got to engage with this side of myself that I hadn't really seen before. And it was creative. And at that time, I was pretty freshly divorced. Dating wasn't really in my purview at that time. But that doesn't mean that our sexual energy doesn't still exist. If anything, there's a lot that can be harnessed there in that. And it's our creativity that's a place of creation. I used that in ways that I just started to write and I started to ask more questions. That's really what it was. It was asking questions and it was all for play. Right? None of this was for anyone. None of this was a performance piece. I didn't and still haven't really shared much because I do think that some things are sacred and they're meant to be between you and yourself and you and God. Everything is meant to be broadcasted to the world. Doesn't mean that some things aren't and that you do have things that you should share that could help other people. But there's also discernment and knowing that some of these practices are there for you. So, like, that was a big one and has really carried through in beautiful ways, ultimately to today, where it's how I met Chris, who's my boyfriend and my partner now, who. That's a whole nother podcast episode, because that story is wild. I don't think I've told you the full story, but definitely the ways in which I have Listened. And I smile because you asked at the beginning of this call if I could describe myself. I still stand by wrangler, because that is what I would say. Say what? What I do, if you will. But I also consider myself a first responder. A first responder is somebody who listens to the call response. Right. The call being that of God. I'm constantly online, I'm listening. It's a prayer that I'm open and receptive, that I'm not just open and receptive, but I'm also responding. I'm taking in what I'm hearing and I'm responding accordingly. No matter what it is, most of the time, it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. It's kind of like the gut feeling that you had in your dating. [00:56:25] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:56:26] Speaker B: Of not questioning, but you responded. Responded, yeah, we're all first responders. [00:56:32] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly like that. [00:56:33] Speaker B: Let that be our prayer that we respond with this trauma work. It's okay. Every time we experience something, it's an invitation to listen, to sit down, to listen. [00:56:42] Speaker A: And it builds your self trust. And even when we can look back and we can say, oh, I heard the call, or I heard the siren here and I didn't listen, I wonder why. Like when we can get curious and understand that too, and also just have some compassion for ourselves and it just re. Emphasizes that's what I want to be listening for. That's what I pay attention to. [00:57:01] Speaker B: And you mentioned, I think something earlier and correct me if I say it wrong, but it's like what's meant for you never misses. [00:57:06] Speaker A: Did you say what's for you can't miss you. [00:57:09] Speaker B: So it's like even in what you just said of maybe you got a call and you didn't respond, guess what? You'll get another call. [00:57:15] Speaker A: Yes. [00:57:17] Speaker B: Like really? And that's where faith comes in. Just because you felt like you missed a call, no worries. We'll try again. And maybe the call will be in different ways. And so that's where the openness has to also be a player in this field. Because it's. It's not just auditory, it's not just visual. Like you have to be open and receptive to the infinite ways that God is communicating to you, that your life really is communicating to you. It is not just this kind of, oh, I didn't hear it. It I see my angel number. So it's not. It. No, it's like really being able to broaden your horizons where that's where presence comes in. And this is another really important thing to tie in to the language of our soul. Because our soul doesn't speak in words, it speaks in sensations and presence. And presence is necessary in order for us to really, like, interpret what's being told to us. There's many ways in which my healing has looked. It's like I don't think that I really look at my life as this one big playground of opportunities to experience myself through and my healing through. And we do have a tendency to think that healing looks like a $2,500 tropical retreat. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. I hope one day I get to do that and go on a tropical retreat and get to just have a week that I do the things right. But it's definitely not exclusive to that. And I think that people can really miss out on the opportunity that everyday life. There's magic in the mundane, miracles that happen all the time all around us. And you don't need a retreat, you don't need a ceremony. There are tools that have been very useful to me and that I have engaged with and I find extremely helpful and really uncovering some of the stuff that I think I had really buried down. But that also requires a deep level of discernment and responsibility for self and not accept expecting anything to heal you. That space people will jump. Let's just take plant medicine ceremonies. Right. You see a lot of people just like jumping to ceremony to ceremony. They're not integrating. That's where it's like your trauma doesn't matter if you're not going to do anything with it. So you're right. You will stay a victim if you choose to not engage with the gift that was given to you through a traumatic experience. So, sure. And we all have free will. And that's a choice. [00:59:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:59:40] Speaker B: You can do that. [00:59:41] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:59:42] Speaker B: But when we look at. If your intention is to heal, then you're going to have to be willing to take ownership of these experiences and choose to engage in them in ways that will help you extract the wisdom that's waiting for you on the other side. Yes. [00:59:57] Speaker A: And it's like little bits at a time. When I think about the work and a lot of the healing I've done over the last year, it's been little bits, little bits. One decision at a time, one interaction at a time. These small things, not this like one big magical epiphany. And now all of it like a light switch. I think that's also. Sometimes what we look for is what's the thing where I go from A to B. And I jump and bypass all of these steps that get me there versus it is the little things and the little pieces. Yeah, it's not about dropping £50 in a month. It's £1 at a time. It's this little flow and you will get there. But it doesn't look like what maybe we think it should. [01:00:35] Speaker B: No, people do that too. With. I've sat and assisted in ayahuasca ceremonies and that's like a big. It can be a trendy thing. Oh, like I drink the tea and it saved me. And it's. No, it did not. No, it did not. And if anything, you have to be very careful when you step into to spaces like that. A, because we do open ourselves up to a level of consciousness that we're not really used to. Like a lot of people aren't used to that. And so it's a wildly intense experience on the body and there's proper preparation that has to go in to that. And that can be a whole nother podcast we can talk about because it's a fascinating world and it's helped me in many ways also uncover some of my gifts, especially my ability to assist in that space with creating a container that makes people safe to go there. Yeah, you have to really be willing to get naked, raw, ugly. It's ugly. And if you have reservation, it doesn't care and it will whip your ass. So it can be very painful. I think the. The biggest lessons that I've received, even in those more ceremonial type spaces, were you have to learn how to work with the medicine. And the medicine is not exclusive to a substance. The medicine is found in our trauma, in our experiences. There's medicine everywhere, but you have to learn how to work with it. Meaning you have to learn how to really move with it, to be in your body in relation with your body in a way that allows for more fluidity. Your body is the tool. It's the instrument. It's the instrument in everyday life. It's the instrument. And every experience we move through, it's with you from your first breath to your last. It has seen everything. And so it is the attunement. And one of, I would say, one of the most psychedelic experiences that I've had, if actually the most psychedelic has been childbirth. Another podcast, pin it. Because that's another thing that we have tagged as traumatic. We have tagged as painful. My birth experiences were both, but they were portals. I am such an advocate. And there's no wrong way to give birth. There's no Wrong way to mother. It's not about that. But it does need to be talked about. And understanding what it is and the gift that it has to offer women. And a true rite of passage, a true initiation, a true understanding of our power because it is godly and it is out of this world. Those experiences have been taken from us and in my opinion, for a reason. Because if we knew, if we really knew, this world would be a completely different place. But we have the opportunity to know. And it's not too late. It's never too late. It's here and now. It's the same thing. It's Jesus Christ came to show us. He came to make us conscious. He came to awaken. So may every experience that you have be with the intention of your awakening and have more depth. Yeah, it's totally not exclusive to anything outside of yourself. And I think that's the biggest lesson I learned in any of it. Because I went seeking outside of myself. I took a year and I was like, let this be the year of my healing. And I dedicated it. And I would say yes to any experience that came my way. And I had a lot of very painful ones, A lot of experiences that I was like, I never do that again. Just like full spectrum. But it did show me none of it is necessary really, outside of. That's all within tools. Have a time and a place for sure. And I'm an advocate for those in the right setting. Absolutely. And also your body, and this is a big one, especially like for the work that you do, Jillian, is the safest place that you can be. And to really feel that lesson in my cells was such a profound gift and really changed the relationship that I had to my body and the way that I relate to it, the way that I treat it. Because my body is not a performance piece. And I think that we tend to see ourselves as that. And we're not here to perform, we're here to experience. And that performance has really done a number on our self worth as women and how we relate ourselves, who we are, how we define ourselves, our value. [01:04:48] Speaker A: Yeah. Because so many women don't feel at home and at peace in their body. And it's because it doesn't look the right way, it's not the right size or the right shape. It's. If the body looks different than we think, then I'd be happier, then I would feel safe, then I would feel better. And really it's like until we actually make peace and find our safety and find our home in what we have Right now, everything that we do to try to change is gonna come from punishment or shame or being to fix yourself. Something's wrong with me, and that's why I need to fix myself versus what you're saying of you find your peace and the depth here now in the body that you have now. And I teach that you can love yourself as you are losing weight or as you are maybe changing composition or training for an event. None of those things in and of themselves are wrong. It goes back to that intention piece. But why? Why is this important? Why does this matter? [01:05:40] Speaker B: I'm saying, like, your body is a temple. It is the temple is the temple. And what would you offer to a place of God? The best food, nourishment, care, sleep, hydration. And it. Reframing it as that is, is potent. And it takes time. I miss the mark all the time. But I do try and come back to that space over and over again and remind myself of, yeah, the why and how would I treat the body of God. And it would, most of the time, we would treat it very differently than we do. And that's a starter, that's a starting place. And to see it in that light and to really care for it in that way is transformational. And it evokes pleasure. Let it be pleasurable, especially like a weight loss journey. There's pleasure and transformation. It's an ongoing journey and development and especially too, as we age. And I can't wait to dive more into this myself through my own personal experience. But I don't feel there's enough conversation around, like perimenopause. The beauty of that. Women are at their most powerful, the most wisdom, the most divine. Women are very unique in the way that we go through these pivotal initiations, points in our life that are mirrored by our cycle. Men don't get that, which is why, like, our innate connection to the divine is so intact. Because we are right there. And that's why we typically are more sensitive, more intuitive. We are literally in rhythm with the universe itself. And it's holy. Even just remembering that. How could you do nothing other than look at yourself and be like, you're a total, like, masterpiece. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And this is one thing, you know, that I will say when you start to get on this transformation or healing journey or whatever you want to label it, ultimately, what you will find, even in just losing weight, losing weight will increase your sex drive. And your sex drive, like we talked about, touched on briefly, is very sacred and very much a Divine experience when we understand and relate to it in the way that God intended. And if that's true, then everything that we do, we talked about our body as an instrument. And I do believe that the more clean and preserved and honor that we give to these temples of ours or these vessels, the clearer the communication, the clearer the lines of communication. Everything is inherently spiritual at that point. Right. Everything is for this bigger picture of we ask for God to give us clearer messages, whether that's through our intuition or what have you. And the issue that we experience in a society that glorifies really unhealthy habits, in my opinion, not to get like too heady with it, but in my opinion, it is to disconnect us. It's to disconnect us from God, from the remembrance of who and what we are, which makes us numb, tone deaf, easy to control, weakness. So that should be reason enough to inspire anybody to clean it up. And there's more. All of us can be doing, regardless of your size, it's not about your size. Body comes in many forms. But what we're talking about is, no, I want to clean it up because I want clear contact. I want to be turned on. I want to be online completely. And so how we get there is through eating ourselves. That is the why. Right. It's like the ultimate why is to be closer to God, really. It's really what it comes down to. Because what you'll find inadvertently, even if that's not your set intention, is that you'll open up in ways your capacity to feel more expands. And that's where some of the more unhealthy habits that are really glorified seeks to dampen. And it does. It's a great job of that. [01:09:28] Speaker A: Exactly. [01:09:30] Speaker B: Or the doom scrolling or the numbing out on TV every night, shitty food. [01:09:35] Speaker A: You know, the alcohol, the dating apps, the way that things are wired now. [01:09:41] Speaker B: Yeah. So not there. So disconnected. No wonder we feel like we do. No wonder people are hopefully getting to the point of, yeah, there has to be a change. And what's beautiful is like the stuff that even we're talking about right now doesn't even have to be directly communicated to anyone because it will happen. [01:10:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:10:01] Speaker B: Experience it for themselves. [01:10:02] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:10:03] Speaker B: And that's like the yoga class, right? It's. I couldn't tell you what the experience is like because it's really just, just there's no way to articulate it because it's a feeling. But the magic that happens is through showing up, responding through embodiment, which is movement which is the tuning fork of your language. That's why you feel literally high. You feel connected, you feel open, you feel invisible. You work through years worth of trauma in an hour because the body requires movement. The energy has to have a place to go and talking it out. And talk therapy is great, but it is not the sole solution. There definitely much more required in that toolkit, but it's a start. Just like radical honesty. [01:10:52] Speaker A: Right? It can be a piece of the puzzle. [01:10:53] Speaker B: Yes. And I think that even as a former Catholic, if you will, confession is a beautiful thing. Confession can be a beautiful thing and it can set you free in a lot of ways. So, like, that radical honesty. Now do I feel like I have to go and talk to a priest? No. Is that one way to do it? Sure, sure. But it's not. I don't feel like I have to go do it in that way. But the intention of confession is beautiful, is it is a very potent tool. Radical honesty and just getting it out, like speaking your truth. And those are all ways that you work with your trauma and you work with your trauma and you speak about it radically. Not to project or to blame, but to release it, to let it go. [01:11:34] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:11:35] Speaker B: But it does have to go somewhere and you cannot continue to hold on. So, yeah, it's like we're land the plane with all of it. It's. I think that we have always. We know that we write the story and I think that sometimes we feel like life is writing it for you, or you don't really have control. But the reality is that you hold the pen. Your trauma just handed it to you. Like, here you go. [01:12:00] Speaker A: What, are you gonna write the story now? [01:12:02] Speaker B: Yeah, write the story. [01:12:03] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:12:03] Speaker B: And that's a beautiful relational type of closing, if you will, because it's like the trauma handed you the pen, but you hold it and you get to write about it and you get to tell your story in a way that is empowering, that you get to share your wisdom. And the trauma was your assistant. [01:12:22] Speaker A: Yes. [01:12:23] Speaker B: I love that. [01:12:24] Speaker A: Ah, this was so good. And I have so many notes of future episodes and. [01:12:28] Speaker B: Yeah, totally. Now I know it wasn't going to. [01:12:30] Speaker A: Be one and done Other concepts. I know, but this was such a great place to start and I really appreciate you coming on and sharing such a pleasure, more of your philosophy, sharing some of your story and this as well. And I know there's a lot of vulnerability in that and just like speaking your thoughts. Right. Like when we open up and we start to share, it's this is who I am. It is is my thoughts and what I believe. And so yeah, thank you so much for your time. This was so magical. [01:12:54] Speaker B: Yay. I love you Jillian. [01:12:56] Speaker A: I'll see you next Monday, right? [01:13:00] Speaker B: Awesome. Thank you. [01:13:05] Speaker A: If this episode resonated with you, it's time to break free from destructive cycles around food, alcohol and toxic relationships. Your next step Book your free Break the Cycle call where you'll finally see why your binge eating and relationship patterns are so deeply connected and how to break free from both for good. You'll walk away with fierce clarity and a game plan to step into a life full of fun, adventure and self love. Grab your spot now at www.bodyucrave.com BTC. It's time to break the cycle. I'll show you how.